Legend has it that Abraham Lincoln (“Honest Abe”) “never told a lie” (probably untrue). You may have also grown up hearing about how George Washington ‘fessed up to chopping down his father’s cherry tree at the ripe old age of six (a myth). History has been less kind to the boy who cried wolf.
These stories are just that: Stories. Yet, they’re used—especially with children—to instill the value of honesty, usually with others. Lying can be harmful, rupturing easy-to-lose and hard-to-gain trust and relationships with others. However, what about lying to ourselves? Psychologists share that being dishonest with ourselves can trigger low self-worth, prevent growth and even hurt relationships with others.
Here, psychologists discuss 13 common lies we tell ourselves that cause more harm than good and, in a plot twist, when self-fibbing might have a few unexpected benefits.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
13 Harmful Lies To Stop Telling Yourself, According to Psychologists
1. “I’ll be happy when I achieve…”
The issue with this one is that it hinges on external validation (which you don’t control. Also, ironically, if and when you achieve “the thing,” you may still find you’re unhappy.
“When happiness is always contingent on the ‘next thing,’ it becomes elusive. This mindset can lead to chronic dissatisfaction, where even significant milestones fail to deliver satisfaction,” says Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services.
2. “I’m the only one who…”
Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, doesn’t pull any punches with this lie. He calls it “broad and insidious.” Think statements like, “I’m the only one who feels this way,” “I’m the only one who does this” and “I’m the only one who thinks this.”
“This lie is one of the most harmful because it creates shame and isolation,” Dr. Kain explains. “Having worked with numerous clients over the years, I can assure you that nobody is that unique. I cannot tell you how many times a client will tell me that no one has done what they did and then disclose something another client shared with me earlier in the week.”
3. “If they knew…”
Dr. Kain says this one is a continuation of No. 2.
“If I believe I’m the only one who has done or thought something, I am certainly not going to volunteer this information to you,” Dr. Kain explains. “Instead, I will keep it private. Clients who tell themselves this lie, often wonder why their relationships don’t go anywhere.”
However, he says healthy and intimate relationships demand that we share our authentic selves.
“Being unable to do that is a huge obstacle, though not an irreparable one, as sharing all the parts of ourselves—the ones we like and the ones we don’t—can be learned,” he continues.
Related: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists
4. “I don’t deserve love or happiness.”
Dr. Frank says people with low self-worth commonly have this thought.
“This belief undermines relationships and self-care because individuals start to sabotage opportunities for love or fulfillment, believing they aren’t worthy,” he explains. “Over time, this mindset can reinforce loneliness, perpetuate cycles of unhealthy relationships and hinder emotional well-being.”
5. “Everyone else has it figured out but me.”
Social media makes it easier than ever to fall into the trap of believing you’re behind. Remember, many Instagram reels are of the highlight variety.
“In reality, most people are dealing with their own insecurities and challenges—they just don’t broadcast them,” points out Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “Comparing your worst moments to someone else’s curated content is a surefire way to feel inadequate. Instead, focusing on your own progress and seeking support from others can help shift this mindset.”
6. “What I’m going through can’t compare…so I shouldn’t feel…”
It’s nearly always possible to “have it worse,” but Dr. Kain warns against invalidating your feelings.
“I’ve had clients share with me trauma and pain only to quickly tell themselves and me they should feel hurt or depressed because there are people going through much worse,” Dr. Kain says. “I try to remind these clients that our experience is subjective and what we feel is valid. Trauma is not an either/or experience—either I am traumatized or they are traumatized—but rather an ‘and’ experience. Everyone can be traumatized.”
Related: ‘Am I the Problem?’ A Relationship Therapist Shares 7 Warning Signs
7. “This is never going to end…”
Sometimes, pain can feel that way, can’t it? Dr. Kain empathizes, yet he invites his clients who feel this way to step back and notice evidence to the contrary.
“If I asked them if they’ve ever felt this way before, they can typically recall a previous incident,” he explains. “If I ask them how long it lasted, they can usually tell me when it ended. If I ask them why this time it will be different, they often can’t provide an answer, because there is no reason to believe it won’t stop, except for the lie running through their head. The danger in this lie is that it prevents us from planning for a more optimistic future—something related to mental health.”
8. “I should be grateful.”
This lie is like a free ride when you’ve already paid.
“It’s ironic how we can use something designed to be uplifting to beat ourselves up,” Dr. Kain says. “Yes, it is important to be grateful, and there is a significant body of literature to support its positive effect. However, sometimes life is just difficult, and we can’t find anything of any significance for which to be grateful.”
That’s OK.
“Patients feel enormous relief when I tell them sometimes life is just rough and they don’t have to feel grateful every day,” he continues.
9. “No one understands what I’m going through.”
Dr. Kain argues this statement is one of the most harmful lies of all.
“One of our most basic needs throughout our life is to be understood,” he says. “When we lie and tell ourselves no one will understand us, we prevent ourselves from receiving one of the things we need most. Understanding and being understood are the foundation of empathy and connection with others.”
Without understanding, Dr. Kain notes that people feel existential isolation and can develop depression and anxiety.
Related: People Who Were ‘Constantly Excluded’ in Childhood Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10. “If I ignore it, it will go away.”
It’s tempting to try to opt out of problems and pain. However, life is a long game.
“Avoidance may provide short-term relief, but it often leads to bigger problems down the road—whether it’s an unresolved conflict, mental health struggles or financial issues,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. “Facing problems head-on, even in small steps, can prevent them from becoming overwhelming.”
In other words, Dr. Lira de la Rosa encourages people to have that difficult conversation, make a financial plan or seek professional help.
“Addressing issues proactively leads to more long-term peace of mind,” he says.
11. “I didn’t mean it like that, so it’s OK.”
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, notes that this one is an example of a broader myth we buy into about how we view ourselves vs. others.
“Because we are privy to our internal thoughts and feelings, we often cut ourselves more slack than we cut others and see our own actions in a more positive light,” she says. “This prevents us from accurately seeing ourselves and more fully seeing the multitude of layers of complexity of others, which can lead us to be less empathic to others and be closed off when someone shares their perspective of how we came across because what they say does not jive with how we view ourselves.”
12. “I’m doing everything I can.”
There are times when this is absolutely true, and it’s essential to give yourself self-compassion and grace. However, the hard truth is that sometimes it is a lie, and some honest self-reflection (and potentially an objective third party) can help you differentiate between the two.
For instance, Dr. Smith says it’s possible to learn to take a 60-second pause to check in with or ground yourself before snapping at a loved one. While you may not be able to run a marathon, taking small steps toward a more physically active lifestyle—such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator—is often possible.
“We sometimes tend to make something more complex in our mind and then view it as less doable,” she explains. “This holds us back from doing more healthy, nourishing things in our lives. Break it down to a version that can be do-able rather than keeping it too big to seem manageable.”
13. “I’m too old/it’s too late.”
“Believing that it’s too late to change careers, pursue a passion or improve relationships keeps people stuck in fear,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
Good news: It’s usually not too late.
“The truth is, people start new paths at all ages, and the only real limitation is the belief that you can’t,” he stresses, suggesting a mindset shift from “It’s too late” to “Why not now?”
Related: 50 Positive Affirmations To Boost Your Confidence (And Change Your Life)
Is It Ever OK To Lie to Yourself?
Potentially unpopular opinion: Not all lies we tell ourselves are bad.
“Yes, it is OK to lie to ourselves,” Dr. Kain says. “Our minds are very powerful, and just as we can believe negative thoughts and lie about ourselves, we can also believe narratives about ourselves that may not be true at present but are ones we want to see come into fruition in the future.”
For example, he says “fake-it-’till-you-make-it” has its place. Exhibit A: Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour.
Potential exhibit B: You nailing a dream job interview.
“If we have an interview we are nervous about, telling ourselves ‘I’ve got this job’ even though it’s not true yet, can help us be confident and secure, two qualities that may very well get us the position,” Dr. Kain says.
Dr. Smith agrees that lying to yourself is OK sometimes. However, she argues that it depends on the lie, how involved it is and its impact.
“If the lie is small, inconsequential, and does not have an ongoing impact, then I contend it can be OK,” Dr. Smith says. “If it is major, has an impact and relates to something ongoing, that’s when it is problematic.”
For instance, telling yourself you weren’t just snubbed by a random person at a grocery store likely won’t do harm. However, lying that you’re not inflicting physical or emotional harm on someone or telling yourself a loved one who is about to die is going to live another 10 years probably will.
Up Next:
Related: 11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Agreeing With Someone—When You Actually Disagree
Expert Sources:
- George Washington and the Cherry Tree. National Park Service.
- Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services
- Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
- Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
- Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
