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A buttoned-up communication style has its perks. It exudes polish and confidence, lending itself well to the workplace and even conflict resolution in your personal life. Yet, it can go too far and become uptight. Think about how uncomfortable it feels when you have the top button of a shirt or blouse buttoned up for hours. Specific phrases can make others feel a similar discomfort.
It happens to the best of us. Kristi Spencer, an etiquette coach and founder of The Polite Company, has to reflect on coming off as too uptight at times. For Spencer and her peers, coming off as “too uptight” can be an occupational hazard. You may relate or have other reasons for coming off as instantly uptight, like stress or pressure to be perfect. A little self-awareness can go a long way in loosening up.
“It’s incredibly important to know how to connect with people to build relationships,” Spencer says. “We can all improve our actions, appearance and words, which affect how we are seen by others and how we affect interactions.”
Understanding phrases that make you sound instantly uptight is an excellent first step. Etiquette experts share top examples—some may roll right off the tongue—plus, tips to loosen up.
Related: 6 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice Before Anyone Else, According to Psychologists
14 Phrases That Make You Sound ‘Instantly Uptight,’ According to Psychologists
1. “I told you so.”
As cringe as this one is, it’s a default phrase in certain situations.
“This phrase usually pops up after someone shares something important to them, and honestly, it probably has nothing to do with you,” Spencer says.
People usually want congratulations or to center themselves.
“Resist the urge to make it about you,” Spencer says. “If you must congratulate yourself for predicting what was going to happen, give yourself an invisible pat on the back, but don’t say it out loud.”
Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Stop This Surprisingly Common Habit in Social Settings
2. “Obviously.”
One word can take a phrase from chill to uptight in a New York minute.
“This phrase can come off as patronizing and has a way of shutting down conversations and making you sound arrogant,” Spencer says. “If you feel like you need to point out something that someone should already know, just say it with kindness.”
3. “I must insist…”
Firmness certainly has its place (i.e., “I must insist you not make me work until midnight.”). However, flexibility does too, and this phrase exudes none of it.
“This expression signals a desire for control and an unwillingness to bend,” says Mason Farmani, an intuitive personal and corporate life coach. “It can bring a feeling of rigidity, indicating that the speaker would rather stick to the rules than collaborate.”
Related: 16 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound More Intelligent, According to Etiquette Experts
4. “Per my last email…”
Yes, typing the same thing twice is annoying. No, this phrase does not communicate it effectively.
“While often used to remind someone of something they missed, this phrase is passive-aggressive, and you definitely come across as uptight,” says Jules Martinez Hirst of Etiquette Consulting, Inc. “To prevent this, you should take a more relaxed approach and say, ‘Following up on…’ Then, mention the detail that was missed.”
5. “Let’s circle back.”
This phrase is also common in the corporate world. However, Spencer isn’t a fan.
“This phrase can make it seem like you don’t value others’ ideas or input,” Spencer says. “If you do use it, be sure you actually follow up, so your words and actions align, which makes us come across as sincere to others.”
6. “That’s not how it’s done.”
Says who? Farmani says this phase suggests you have a rigid mind and “unthinking respect for tradition or protocol.”
“It can be dismissive and stifling suggesting that there’s only one way to do things,” Farmani says.
7. “Let me be perfectly clear…”
Hirst warns that this phrase comes off as authoritative and intimidating.
“Most of the time, you should not have to assert yourself this strongly,” Hirst says. “Instead, take it down a few notches and offer clarity. Saying, ‘Just to clarify…’ will come off warmer and show you are approachable.”
Related: 13 Best Phrases to End a Meeting, Plus the #1 Way You *Don’t* Want to Close It Out, According to Psychologists
8. “Let’s stick to the agenda.”
Keeping meetings on track respects everyone’s time. However, this phrase can appear too stuffy and may even squash openings for people to share great ideas.
“Agendas are useful in some contexts, but overemphasizing them can smother creativity and spontaneity,” Farmani says.
9. “With all due respect…”
It’s a classic for all the wrong reasons.
“This phrase is dismissive and condescending,” Hirst says. “It should only be used in serious discussions where you must counter an opposing point. Never use this phrase in a casual conversation.”
10. “I appreciate your input.”
Seeing this well-meaning phrase on a list of statements that make you sound uptight might be a plot twist.
“Although this sounds polite, it often feels stiff and dismissive,” Spencer says. “Instead, try being specific about how someone’s input helped you. A sincere ‘Thank you’ is always a great place to start.”
11.“If I may be so bold…”
Hirst says this phrase is outdated and overly formal.
“You should feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with confidence,” Hirst says. “If not, try something much less formal like, ‘May I offer a suggestion?'”
Related: 15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists
12. “I’m entitled to my opinion.”
Of course you are, but you don’t necessarily need to use this phrase to communicate that.
“This phrase is a total conversation killer because there’s nowhere to go after it’s said,” Spencer says. “Instead, try saying, ‘I see things differently,’ and keep the conversation going until you find some common ground.”
13. “You’ve wasted my time…”
Arguably the harshest one on this list, this phrase is a surefire way to turn people off and instantly uptight.
“While this is an important point that can be true and necessary to communicate, be aware when and how you are deploying this one — it’s a doozy,” says Jenny Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry.
14. “Let’s GO.”
This one is also a no-go, according to Dreizen.
“While there are times we need to make demands on others, we want to be careful how we wield this power,” Dreizen says. “Be aware of the power dynamic in your given situation and try to respond in a more equitable manner.”
Related: An Etiquette Expert Is Begging People To Think Twice About This Common Social Habit
How To Come Off as Less Uptight
1. Embrace body language
Words don’t say everything.
“Your body language can tell the other person just how comfortable you feel,” Farmani says. “Sit or stand with your arms and legs uncrossed, lean slightly forward when talking to someone and use gestures to illustrate your comments.”
Farmani says this stance helps you appear more approachable and confident. One simple, cost-free move provides the perfect finishing touch.
“Smiling can make you feel better and help relax those around you,” Farmani adds.
2. Peep your eyes
Speaking of body language, several etiquette experts we spoke with focused on the eyes.
“Eye contact is key,” Hirst says. “A relaxed expression comes across as much warmer than glaring at someone like you are shooting lasers out of your eyes.”
Dreizen suggests gentle eye contact (but not laser-focusing your eyes into theirs) and avoiding a habit that may have been a signature move of teenage you.
“Don’t roll your eyes,” Dreizen says.
Related: ‘I’ve Been an Etiquette Expert for Over 20 Years—Here’s the #1 ‘Eye Contact Rule’ To Follow in a Conversation’
3. Take it easy
Dreizen says people often come off as uptight when they speak in a clipped way. However, you risk coming off as uninterested.
“Slow down your speech, soften your tongue and give space and time for the conversation you are having,” Dreizen says.
4. Inject humor
Show you don’t take yourself too seriously by using humor—even if it means laughing at yourself after uttering one of the above phrases.
“We all have awkward moments,” Spencer says. “A little humor can go a long way. When you don’t take yourself too seriously, you invite others to relax around you, which will spark connection.”
Up Next:
Related: 7 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to Etiquette Experts
Expert Sources
- Kristi Spencer, an etiquette coach and founder of The Polite Company
- Mason Farmani, an intuitive personal and corporate life coach
- Jules Martinez Hirst of Etiquette Consulting, Inc
- Jenny Dreizen, a modern-day etiquette expert and COO of Fresh Starts Registry
