4 Healthy Expectations To Have in Your Relationship, According to a Psychologist

Whether entering a new relationship or dating for the first time after being in a gaslighting relationship, you may wonder what realistic standards are. Is it okay to expect your partner to adopt some of your values, or just respect them? Are some communication preferences seen as “the norm,” or actually unrealistic? Is it a bad thing to not see eye to eye on everything? What are healthy expectations in a relationship, exactly?

Below, a psychologist shares factors to consider when answering this question for yourself and your partner(s). Discover the difference between expectations and standards, why some unspoken expectations can cause problems and how to better communicate in your relationship.

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What’s the Difference Between Standards and Expectations in a Relationship?

Have you ever realized that you and your friend or partner were on different pages about what constitutes a “requirement” in relationships? Or maybe you’ve heard that relationship “standards” are a good thing, but your ex said you expected too much?

If so, you may have come across the two words that sound like they’re the same thing, but aren’t: “standards” and “expectations.” Knowing the difference between them is the first step.

“Standards in relationships are the baseline, minimum requirements that must be met for you to engage in the relationship,” says Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who specializes in couples therapy and women’s mental health, and has 15 years of experience.

If someone fails to meet one of your standards, she continues, you’re probably looking at one of two outcomes: a dissolution of the relationship or the compromising of your integrity. In other words, the relationship falls apart, or your needs aren’t met in it.

Expectations may be smaller, daily actions that people may disagree on—to some extent. “Expectations, on the other hand, are beliefs about how someone should behave, based on your needs and wants,” she adds.

Examples of the two often differ. Standards might be your partner valuing loyalty or being driven in their career, while expectations might look like who covers the bill at the first date, who’s in charge of yard work or if one partner should open the car door for the other.

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Why Expectations in a Relationship Can Cause Problems

While standards can help us maintain positive relationships, expectations aren’t always “fair” in the same way. “Expectations often reflect our assumptions rather than our agreements,” Dr. Burrets says. “Assumptions are particularly harmful when they are unspoken.”

For example, your partner may feel hurt that you haven’t shared words of affirmation in a while, not realizing that that’s not your primary way to show love. Or you may have expected a more expensive or meaningful gift for your anniversary than the gift they gave you.

Standards aren’t always spoken either—for example, you may want a partner who’s hardworking, and you look for that rather than say it outright—but with expectations, the specifics may look different. “When expectations are not clearly communicated, the natural consequence is often disappointment or frustration based on a misunderstanding,” Dr. Burrets clarifies.

She adds that expectations can be rooted in fear or insecurity, making them unrealistic. Think about the way you might expect your date to compliment your outfit every time you go out because your ex always did. That’s essentially what we’re talking about here. It’s understandable, but will require communication, and doesn’t mean the new partner is showing red flags.

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What Are Reasonable Expectations in a Relationship?

Expectations can be fair too. To determine if yours are, Dr. Burrets shares two shortcuts to consider.

First, is there an absolute, such as “always” or “never,” in the expectation? If not, it’s more likely to be reasonable. “Expectations involving absolutes—like expecting the other person to always have sex on a regular basis, to always agree with you or to never change their appearance—are often unreasonable,” she says.

Second, honestly evaluate if the expectation controls or limits your partner’s freedom in some way. She gives the example of expecting your partner to not have any friends of the sex they’re attracted to. “Healthy relationships are grounded in a sense of security, but expectations that serve to control your partner are usually deeply rooted in fear and insecurity,” she adds.

If your expectation passes those two tests, you’re probably good to go. Ahead, let’s look at examples.

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4 Healthy Expectations To Have in Your Relationship, According to a Psychologist

1. Connection

Feeling disconnected from your partner? Maybe you two haven’t had meaningful conversations much lately or have hit a dry spell. It’s healthy and normal to want more.

Dr. Burrets says ways to connect in a relationship vary from “open, honest and regular communication” to “emotional support during difficult times, physical touch and intimacy, and quality time spent together.”

2. Autonomy

At the same time, wanting space from your partner is healthy and fair, according to Dr. Burrets. She believes desiring a balance of connection and autonomy is reasonable.

“Both partners need to be free to live life in ways that are independent from their partners,” she says. Whether that looks like wanting friend time on Friday nights, needing alone time every now and then, or wanting to attend your weekly kickball game without your partner, know it’s okay to want and ask for that.

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3. Mutual respect

Sure, relationships may require compromises when it comes to where you go out to eat, but respect isn’t something that can healthily be compromised. “It is reasonable to expect mutual respect in a relationship,” Dr. Burrets says.

This may look like valuing each other’s feelings, boundaries and opinions, she says, and won’t be found in relationships where any kind of abuse is present.

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4. Teamwork or shared effort

In relationships, you do a lot for each other that’s direct—such as being a sounding board and initiating sex—as well as a lot that’s indirect, such as housework and handling bills. Getting some help in these departments is another healthy expectation.

“It’s fair to expect both partners to contribute meaningfully to the care and protection of the relationship,” Dr. Burrets says. “This can look different in every relationship, but the key is that there’s a sense of teamwork and shared effort.”

What Are Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship?

Besides the earlier examples—like always having sex on a regular schedule, or your partner never changing their appearance—here are a couple more unrealistic expectations to note.

1. Mind reading

Do you expect your partner to know when you’re upset and need to talk things out, or when you’d prefer space? If so, you’re not alone—Dr. Burrets says mind reading is one of the most common expectations she sees—though it’s also unrealistic.

Basically, mind reading is “the belief that our partner should be able to know what we need without being told, and then provide it,” she explains, adding it can lead to conflict and resentment. This is where communication comes in. Tell your partner what you need!

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2. A complete lack of conflict

While it’s nice to think of an argument-less relationship, it’s unrealistic, according to Dr. Burrets. “Expecting to never argue or disagree with the person with whom you are most deeply interconnected is unreasonable,” she says. If you don’t have conflict, she adds, there probably isn’t much intimacy.

This isn’t all bad, either: Dr. Burrets says that being able to manage conflict with your partner can lead to greater satisfaction and closeness in the relationship.

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How To Manage and Communicate Expectations in a Relationship

Expectations can be healthy in a relationship, and most (if not all) of us have them. To ensure they don’t mess with your relationship, Dr. Burrets recommends taking a few steps.

First, she encourages understanding your boundaries. While you might have a general idea, do you know what they are specifically and why they’re important to you? “Expectations can be formed on our past experiences, our values and our fears,” Dr. Burrets says. For example, maybe you expect your partner to be the one who plans dates because your dad did that for your mom.

Next, communicate those expectations. “Ideally, our expectations should be communicated proactively, that is, before a misunderstanding or disappointment transpires,” she adds, noting this is more likely to lead to the desired outcome.

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Other best practices Dr. Burrets mentions are avoiding a tone of criticism and blame, and checking in with your partner about their expectations. She suggests saying something like, “I feel taken care of when you check in with me occasionally” instead of “You never text me!” It feels different, right?

Sometimes your expectations won’t align, and that’s okay. “Work to find compromises where there are expectations that are not aligned,” she advises. They may also change over time, Dr. Burrets continues, so discussing expectations is “an ongoing process, not a one-time event.”

Ultimately, you could say healthy expectations are all about the Cs: clear communication and compromise. “Managing and communicating our expectations, as well as being open to feedback about your partner’s expectations,” Dr. Burrets says, “can go a long way toward mitigating disappointment, misunderstanding, resentment and conflict in a partnership.”

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Source

• Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles who has 15 years of experience and specializes in couples therapy and women’s mental health