Mental health experts repeatedly report that gaslighting has become a buzzy, misused and overused word—even when it’s referring to gaslighting in a marriage.
“The term gaslighting has been adopted into popular culture and is often used incorrectly,” says Dr. Kathy Richardson, Ph.D., an assistant professor of clinical mental health counseling at Lebanon Valley College. “When two people are having a disagreement, or they view a situation differently, that is not gaslighting. It is also not gaslighting if someone confronts you about something or says or does something that you don’t like.”
However, gaslighting is also something that can happen in relationships, and it’s a form of emotional abuse that can affect anxiety, depression, sleep and other aspects of your physical and mental health.
“In its truest sense, gaslighting occurs when one person deliberately manipulates situations to make the other person question their reality,” she explains.
Dr. Richardson says gaslighting can happen within marriages. She notes that it’s vital to understand the signs of gaslighting in a marriage and what to do to protect your well-being.
Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
Gaslighting in a Marriage: 5 Clear Signs
1. Name-calling that makes you question reality
Name-calling may not break your bones. However, it’s a sign of gaslighting when the names hurled in your direction cause you to question your reality. It’s also emotionally abusive, even if it doesn’t leave physical scars.
Dr. Richardson says common names gaslighting partners might use are “crazy” and “unstable.” For instance, after being called out for raising their voice, she explains a gaslighting spouse may say, “You’re crazy. I wasn’t yelling at you.”
“This is also a very defensive response, but it’s drawing on gaslighting techniques that make someone question their perceptions and reality,” she shares.
Related: 6 Things a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Married Couples To Stop Doing
2. Blatant lying
The spouse who name-called also lied about yelling, but there are also examples.
“Let’s take this a step further and say that in response to partner B’s excessive spending, partner A takes partner B’s credit card out of their wallet without them knowing about it,” Dr. Richardson says. “When partner B asks if partner A knows where their credit card is, partner A lies and says they do not.”
This lie causes (completely unnecessary) stress and panic while also distorting reality—the pillars of gaslighting.
3. Accusations
Say the argument between Partner A and Partner B overspending keeps going. Dr. Richardson says Partner A could kick the gaslighting up a notch by lodging an accusation at Partner B, like, “See? You are so irresponsible. You always lose things. This is why you cannot be trusted with money.”
“These behaviors are red flags of gaslighting because they are very intentional and designed to make someone question their reality,” she explains.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
4. Isolating you from family and friends
Dr. Richardson warns that gaslighters will frequently try to turn their partners against loved ones.
“The motivation behind this is that it is easier to manipulate and control someone when no one else is watching,” she says. “A relationship is not an island and cannot exist on its own. Humans are social creatures, and it is important for married persons to still have a community beyond their marriage.”
For example, a gaslighting spouse might say, “Your mom never wanted me to tell you this, but she told me when we met that you can never be trusted with money. She’ll deny it if you ask her because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
5. Turning you against things you love
Dr. Richardson says that people who gaslight their partners don’t always stop with people. They may also try to turn you off to things you love, like a hobby or cherished item.
“For example, an abusive partner might tell someone that…they constantly lose things, so that they cannot be trusted with a family heirloom,” she explains. “Again, the point of this behavior is to make someone question their ability to care for themselves and others, including other things, and then they need to be dependent on their partner for help.”
Related: ‘I’m a Psychologist—Here’s the #1 Reason You Might Need Marriage Counseling’
What To Do if Your Spouse Gaslights You
1. Lean on your support system
Your spouse may try to isolate you from the people you love, but Dr. Richardson says they’re crucial.
“It is important that we have other people involved in our lives. This can include family members or friends,” she explains. “When one partner is isolating the other from those that they care about, it is much easier for them to engage in abusive behaviors such as gaslighting because there is no one else around to point out what is happening.”
Related: 13 Things To Never Do After a Fight With Your Partner, According to a Therapist
2. Trust your gut
Sometimes, our bellies deliver the hard truth that our heads and hearts try to deny.
“We all have intuition, and our bodies are programmed to let us know when something doesn’t feel right,” Dr. Richardson says. “In order for someone to successfully gaslight another person, they need to create enough distrust so that the person no longer listens to their instincts. If a situation feels unsafe or unhealthy, it probably is. Seek out a neutral party to talk through.”
3. Practice self-compassion
Dr. Richardson says self-compassion is built on self-kindness, mindfulness and common humanity.
“It is not about self-pity but is about learning to treat ourselves the way that we would treat a loved one,” she says. “We are often our harshest critics, and learning to be gentler with ourselves is often the first stop in healing.”
She explains mindfulness involves recognizing how we are internally and externally. It can help us tune into our intuition.
“Common humanity is the recognition that we are human beings with flaws,” Dr. Richardson says. “We make mistakes, we make bad decisions sometimes, we are not always our best selves, and sometimes we choose the wrong partner.”
Normalizing these experiences can help us become more compassionate with ourselves.
Related: Men Who Haven’t Matured Emotionally Usually Display These 10 Behaviors Without Realizing It, Psychologists Say
4. Seek help
Help might include individual, couple’s or family therapy.
These are big, important notes: “It is important to remember that we cannot force another person to get help, but we can get help for ourselves,” Dr. Richardson says. When someone is the victim of gaslighting, they may need to work with a trauma specialist to help them recover and rebuild their sense of self.”
She adds that you’ll want to learn ways to manage conversations or interactions with an emotionally abusive person.
“Couples or family counseling is contraindicated if abuse is actively occurring in a marriage,” Dr. Richardson says. “However, if the perpetrator has gotten individual help and is on the road to recovery, couples counseling can be very helpful to work on rebuilding trust and learning new, healthy relationship patterns.”
Up Next:
Related: 7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists
Source:
- Dr. Kathy Richardson, Ph.D., an assistant professor of clinical mental health counseling at Lebanon Valley College
