8 Genius Tricks That Actually Work When Playing Hard To Get, According To Relationship Psychologists.

When you’re crushing on someone, it’s tempting to go hard, do your Sally Fields Academy Awards impression and say, “I like you. I really like you.” Yet, sometimes, it’s best to pull back and play hard to get instead. But it can be tricky to know exactly how to play hard to get after meeting someone and before starting an official relationship.

Like many games, playing hard to get is an acquired skill—it might even come after feeling like you’ve been a little clingy. To help you develop this tactic, relationship psychologists have opened their playbooks and revealed eight genius tricks for playing hard to get that actually work.

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Why Play Hard To Get?

“The chase is exhilarating, especially if you like the person doing the chasing. It can make you feel adored and even valued,” says Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of DML Psychological Services, PLLC.

Playing hard to get can also be a practical approach to relationships, especially at first.

“You are maintaining some control over how the relationship progresses,” explains Dr. Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D., LMFT, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist. “You are able to take a beat and see what happens with a potential partner when you are not overly available to them. It also allows you to prioritize yourself over being in a relationship.”

Related: Why Therapists Are Begging People To Stop ‘Dry Texting’

How To Play Hard To Get, According to Relationship Psychologists

Here are eight ways of playing hard to get that relationship experts swear by.

1. Ditch literal instant messaging

In today’s high-speed digital world, we don’t need to race to pick up a telephone or wait for dial-up Internet to log on and be able to message someone we don’t live with. Yet, slowing the pace of your response time can work wonders when playing hard to get. Bonus points if your delayed response is because you’re genuinely out and about with friends because you have a life outside of this person.

“This gives the impression that you’re independent and self-sufficient, which can make you more attractive,” says Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., the director of Nobile Psychology. “It can also increase the other person’s interest and respect for your time as they realize how valuable your attention is.”

Dr. Nobile clarifies, however, that it’s important not to wait so long that a person thinks you’re ignoring them.

2. Maintain your own life and interests

OK, this one isn’t just “bonus points” if it’s genuinely the reason for not responding to a text immediately. Dr. Nobile suggests continuing to have other interests—and talking about them with the person—is a solid tactic when playing hard to get.

“Showing you have a whole life outside of the relationship—and can do just fine without their input or approval—makes you appear more self-assured and desirable. It makes the other person see you in a more complete light, as a full person in your own right, not dependent on them,” she explains.

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3. Say no to plans

While you may want to hang out 24/7, a little distance can make the heart grow fonder.

“Decline a date but offer a maybe on a future date,” Dr. Leno suggests. “The difference between this approach and a full shutdown is it offers some hope and says you are interested.”

Dr. Le Goy double taps on the last part—don’t make saying “no” a habit (unless you genuinely aren’t interested in the person or their date ideas).

“If you are never available to someone, they will eventually stop trying to hang out with you,” Dr. Le Goy explains.

4. Make your time together golden

When your “no” and “maybe” from tip two turns into a yes, make the time together enjoyable so that it leaves the person craving more.

“Make an effort to smile, offer small, appropriate tidbits about yourself and give them some compliments,” says Dr. Connally Barry, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. “Spending time with you should be thought of as a rare treat, not a time to be ignored.”

5. Limit compliments

Dr. Nobile suggests giving compliments as a light sprinkle rather than a generous pour.

“Don’t try to smother your lover with praise and adoration before they can get to know you,” Dr. Nobile says. “When you do pay them a compliment or show affection, make sure it’s genuine and specific.”

Related: 130 of the Best Fun and Flirty Texts To Send the Guy You’re Crushing On

6. Play coy when they flirt

Playing pretend isn’t just for kids.

“Act as if you don’t realize they are flirting with you,” Dr. Leno recommends. “In this case, they are forced to tell you they are into you. There is no assuming on your part. A person who’s clear about their intentions may be worth your time.”

7. Flirt lightly and pull back

Flirting back if you’re interested? 20/10 recommended, even if you’re playing hard to get. The key is to be strategic about it.

“Look people in the eye, exhibit interest in them, but then don’t be over the top,” Dr. Nobile says. “Don’t express too much emotion too soon. As you move into light flirtation, turn it into something more neutral. Leave it open for the other person to guess your interest level.”

Dr. Nobile says the push-and-pull creates emotional excitement.

“Perhaps the most potent aspect of this approach is the hot-and-cold contrast—as you show interest and then pull away, it makes the other person want you more,”  she explains.

Related: The Most Flirtatious Zodiac Signs, According to Astrologers

8. Mention past interests/relationships

Break a golden rule (with caution). 

“It’s not recommended to discuss them in any real detail,” Dr. Barry clarifies. “[But] giving a short rundown over your past hobbies or romantic partners can be a way of expressing your continued maturity and your discerning taste in future romantic prospects.”

Short and mature are the keys to success with this one.

“None of that, ‘Oh, they were crazy,’ nonsense,” Dr. Barry says. “Instead, point to something more vague and plausible, along the lines of ‘The communication wasn’t working for us.’”

She explains that you can offer more important details if the relationship progresses.

Related: 275 ‘Favorite Things’ Questions to Instantly Get to Know Someone Better

5 Times Not To Play Hard To Get

1. The person doesn’t seem interested in you

Dr. Barry says playing hard to get can backfire if you like a person, but they don’t appear that into you.

“This can further decrease both attraction and liking of who you are as a person,” Dr. Barry says. “So, perhaps keep the ‘leave-them-wanting-more’ mentality to interactions with people with whom you already have chemistry.”

2. You’re not interested in them

Dr. Le Goy doesn’t recommend playing hard to get if you don’t intend on dating the person. It’s unfair to them—and you.

“You don’t want to make someone jump through hoops if there is nothing they could do that would make you want to be in a relationship with them,” Dr. Le Goy explains. “You also don’t want to play hard to get because you are trying to avoid being in a relationship. You want to make sure that you are being honest with yourself and others about what you want and that you are emotionally available to date.”

Related: 50 Interesting Questions to Text a Guy or Girl That’ll Get the Conversation Going

3. You obviously like them

The jig is up.

“If you are really into someone who’s showing interest in you—game over,” Dr. Leno says. “Tell or show them that they have your attention.”

4. You’re in a well-established relationship

While some mysterious or coy texts can be seductive, playing hard to get as a baseline is a stale party foul.

“It leads to excessive emotional distance at a time when openness and vulnerability are likely to be more advantageous in developing the connection further,” Dr. Nobile says.

Related: The #1 Biggest Red Flag When Flirting Over Text, According to Eli Rallo

5. The person wants you to quit it

It’s only a good game if everyone is having fun. If the other person lets you know they’re feeling frustrated or confused by your mixed signals, pivoting is important. 

“It’s time to stop playing hard to get—you need to be clear about what’s going on for you so the relationship can continue to grow,” Dr. Nobile says.

Up Next:

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Expert Sources

• Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of DML Psychological Services, PLLC
• Dr. Patrice Le Goy, Ph.D., LMFT, a psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist
• Dr. Catherine Nobile, Psy.D., the director of Nobile Psychology
• Dr. Connally Barry, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks