I should preface this by saying that I’ve been monogamously married for almost 11 years. My last “first date” with a stranger took place at a random slice shop before seeing Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World in ths. The date was terrible. He was a bad kisser and worse conversationalist, and after that night, I never saw him again.
Thankfully, I had the wherewithal to take him to a pizza shop that wasn’t my pizza shop. My place was where I downed white slices with Diet Cokes with my friends after school and late at night when we didn’t want to go home, lounging in the back booths making up stories about whoever shared the dining room with us. Instead, it was somewhere with a good enough slice, and crucially, a place I’d never have to return to with sullied memories. There is lots of advice on what makes a great first date restaurant — not too loud, good lighting, effortlessly chic. But may I suggest a different criterion: make sure it’s just fine and utterly forgettable.
You know exactly the kind of restaurant I’m talking about. The restaurant that makes really satisfying pasta in a city full of restaurants making really satisfying pasta. The bar with $14 cocktails that’s just as good as the one 10 blocks away. The taco place with an Instagram wall. Does it have burrata on the menu? Perfect. It’s a neighborhood place but not your neighborhood place. It’s not hot and new, but it’s interesting enough to look like you’ve actually put some effort into planning the occasion.; It’s not a popular stalwart or a place you have any emotional tie to, just a nice restaurant that’s completely interchangeable with a dozen other restaurants where you are.
The reason you do this is because first dates shouldn’t be about having a singular restaurant experience — an exciting meal can be a distraction to the task of getting to know someone.
But crucially, a first (or second or seventh) can go south. Any date is a gamble, but the first is a particular adventure, with the thrilling potential of meeting someone great always undercut by the reality that this may be a disaster. You just don’t know. But if you suddenly find yourself speaking to an anti-vaxxer or someone who thinks women shouldn’t have jobs or tells you you’re not as hot as they hoped, you can leave without worrying that you’re missing out on what was a hard-to-score reservation. And if you retain negative memories of the restaurant because of the date — no big deal! You haven’t lost anything beloved or interesting to you. Honestly this is applicable in a host of potentially unpleasant situations, whether that’s meeting a friend’s new boyfriend you hope will be an ex-boyfriend very soon, or if you’re entertaining your boss from out of town.
Of course, if your date suggests a hot new place you’ve been dying to try, it could be a sign that you’re aligned in your tastes. It also could just be that this person is trying to show off. But even then, the joy of trying an exciting new place is to focus on what it offers, which is difficult if you’re also trying to assess if the person across from you is someone you’d eventually want to introduce to your friends (or just take home).
Because that is the goal here. Presumably you’re on this date because you hope to find someone you can share many meals with in the future. That’s why you choose a satisfyingly mid restaurant. You still want to look like you made an effort, and have a good meal: After all, if things go well, this may end up being your spot. But what I’m getting at is that restaurants can be special places that you want to share with people who have demonstrated they’re worthy. You want to know someone well enough to know they’d appreciate your favorite bar as much as you do, or that they’re not going to walk into your favorite hidden gem and think it’s not that special. Don’t share your best spots until you know they’re going to stick around for a while.
