A Psychologist Is Begging You To Stop Using These 2 Phrases at the End of an Argument

Some people argue for a living, like lawyers and, for better or worse, politicians. However, you may prefer to avoid conflict at all costs. Or, you may enjoy a good fight but find your way of arguing is causing you to lose friends (and not just on Facebook).

It’s impossible to walk through life without disagreements. We all bring different experiences and perspectives to the table, and sometimes they clash. Conflict can be productive even if it’s initially uncomfortable. You may want to skip ahead to the kiss-and-make-up (or resolution) stage. However, knowing how to end an argument will ensure it does end.

“Understanding how to end a disagreement is essential for maintaining a relationship, avoiding stress and encouraging communication,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist. 

Conflict can be a source of delayed gratification. The communication style you use to reach the resolution stage can improve how you connect (including communicate) with the people you are arguing with in the long term.

“Not only will this practice increase professionalism, but it will also create an efficient workplace and help you develop personal skills in empathy, patience and understanding,” Dr. Stratyner says. “It also sets a precedent for others and makes our society more respectful and collaborative.”

Wouldn’t that last part—about making society more respectful and collaborative—be nice? If you also think so, you’ll want to avoid using these two phrases at the end of an argument. Warning: They’re easy defaults. Dr. Stratyner also shares tips on what to say instead.

Related: 15 Phrases To Disagree Respectfully, According to Psychologists

2 Phrases to Never Use to End an Argument, According to a Psychologist

Dr. Stratyner is begging people to delete the following phrases from their rotations:

• “Who cares?”
• “Calm down.”

Let’s start with “Who cares?” because Dr. Stratyner cares very much about nixing this irritating question.

“These dismissive words can heighten, not diminish, conflict,” she stresses. “They suggest apathy, shut down communication and disrespect the other person’s experience or thought, leaving things unresolved and open to resentment.”

Indeed, it sounds rather belittling. “Calm down” makes Stratyner’s no-fly list for the same reason.

“When you say these words, it can appear dismissive and belittling, as if they are being dramatic and overblowing the situation,” she explains.

By the way, has this phrase—or variations like “relax”—ever gotten anyone to chill? 

Related: 9 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Saying Yes, According to Psychologists

What To Say Instead To End a Disagreement 

If you find yourself using these phrases, no shame. They’re common, and others may have used them on you in the past. However, Dr. Stratyner says replacing them with alternatives is far more productive and can help you build relationships and actually end an argument.

One of Dr. Stratyner’s go-to’s is: “I respect your opinion even though we disagree.”

“Recognizing the difference and respecting it can conclude the disagreement without the need for one to win,” she explains.

She also likes the question: “Where can we go from here?”

“This involves negotiating a solution and cooperating by changing the battleground to solving the problem,” Dr. Stratyner adds.

Related: 5 Phrases a Relationship Therapist Is Begging Couples To Stop Using ASAP

3 General Tips for Ending an Argument Without Ending Relationships

1. Listen to the other person’s point of view

According to Dr. Stratyner, the polarizing nature of social media and the 24-hour news cycle can make us hyper-focused on ensuring our voice is the loudest. However, relationships are two-way streets, and so is conflict resolution. 

“Taking note of the other’s point of view is respectful,” Dr. Stratyner says. “You can either repeat what they’ve said or say, ‘I get what you’re saying.’ This makes both parties feel validated and heard, which is one of the most important factors in resolving things.”

Related: 13 Things To Never Do After a Fight With Your Partner, According to a Therapist

2. Avoid dismissive or deflective expressions

Phrases like “You’re making a fool of yourself” or “There’s no point” have a similar effect as “Who cares?”

“[They] reject the other’s feelings can further escalate an exchange,” Dr. Stratyner says. “Rather, approaching the issue with reason and compassion will be the key.”

Related: 12 Common Passive-Aggressive Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Psychologists

3. Negotiate solutions instead of playing the blame game

Pointing fingers generally isn’t a winning closing statement.

“Aim to work cooperatively to identify solutions for the conflict,” Dr. Stratyner says.

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She recommends asking questions like:

• What can we do to address this?
• How do we move forward from here?
• What would make the two of us happy?

“This creates an environment that promotes working toward something positive rather than getting mired in the conflict,” Dr. Stratyner explains.

Up Next:

Related: If You Use These 3 Phrases, You Have Higher Emotional Intelligence Than Most, Psychologists Say

Source

• Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist