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Illustration by Marley Allen-Ash
Who would have thought I would want to be dating in my mid-60s? Most people my age are already in relationships or have chosen to be alone, or perhaps are hesitant like I am. Putting oneself out there when you are not maybe in the best shape of your life, with health issues starting to creep in, is nerve-racking. The baggage we have from previous relationships hangs over our heads and our ingrained habits from day-to-day living may be hard to break.
But here I am thinking I’m brave enough to venture on, or stupid enough to not know any better. I like being on my own and could potentially live out my life this way. And the whole notion of vulnerability in a relationship scares me.
Embracing the unknown is the first step, and being okay with wherever this journey will take me. Living with someone again, possibly remarrying, starting a long-distance relationship or living in our own homes and having weekend getaways, are all possibilities swirling in my mind as I prepare myself.
Assembling the online dating profile is another obstacle. Do I have interesting and attractive photos of myself? Can I avoid the dreaded selfie in front of the bathroom mirror, as I’ve discovered many men post? Opening up my life online to others to read and scrutinize? How can I be funny, serious and sincere all at the same time as I write this profile? Hmmm … second thoughts happen often.
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Why explore dating at my age then when I’m happy with my current life. I can come and go as I please. I can leave dishes in the sink. I don’t need to share closet space, and I certainly don’t have to cook for someone else. Oh wait, I like cooking for others. So cross that off. I am quite comfortable doing things on my own. I recently returned from a solo trip to New York and loved it. I attend films, theatre, ballet and opera, all on my own. I have many friends and am very social.
I could quote the research about living longer as a couple as opposed to being single. The company of another human could be a reason too. It’s nice to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, eating popcorn. Walking down the street hand in hand is a romantic notion that lingers in my mind. Some believe living with another person is companionship at its best.
In my case, I miss being vulnerable. The word “vulnerable” can have negative connotations, meaning a person needing special care or support and protection for a variety of reasons. It can also mean being susceptible to physical or emotional harm. It has more of an allure when described by Brené Brown, a writer who studies courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy. She characterizes it as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
She then goes further to talk about that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone and choose to do something that forces us to loosen control. Vulnerability is essential for deeper relationships, and it takes courage to allow oneself to face this uncertainty. Brown explains that vulnerability can lead to deep fulfilment and that in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. This is what I miss, believe it or not.
I also want to be courageous – to have the courage to tell my story, to listen and respond to my partner’s story, the good and the not so good. Courage to be imperfect, to make mistakes in a relationship and then to discuss and sort it out, attracts my attention.
I crave that deep connection with another person. At this stage in my life, I realize I have to put myself out there to find this. The authenticity of who I really am and sharing it with someone has a profound effect on me. Losing a life partner, and going from having this strong bond, to lacking it in one’s life, is eye-opening.
As humans, personal connection is at the heart of who we are. There are different levels of this connection in our lives, and all are important and necessary. As a mother, I cherish my relationship with my son. As a sister, I love my siblings. And when I was a daughter with living parents, I flourished. Friendships fill part of the void and are essential. I would argue the deep connection with one other person takes this belief a step further and will lead to a more fulfilling life.
I want to be willing to take the first steps, willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. I want to once again develop this connection and explore what it truly means to have such love, dedication and loyalty to one other person. Keeping busy certainly is a way to avoid these thoughts. But in the end, I am getting older. I want to embrace all of life. The Tennyson quote has become my motto: “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
So, if you have any ideas for online profile photos or a meaningful quote, please pass them on as I venture forward without looking back.
Susan Marchiori lives in Waterloo, Ont.
