Illustration by Drew Shannon
Thomas Verny is a clinical psychiatrist, academic, award-winning author, public speaker, poet and podcaster. He is the author of eight books, including the global bestseller The Secret Life of the Unborn Child and 2021’s The Embodied Mind: Understanding the Mysteries of Cellular Memory, Consciousness and Our Bodies.
Following my column last month on loneliness, I received many questions from readers pertaining to friendship. In this column, I shall address this subject based on what I’ve learned in 60 years of clinical psychiatric practice and 80-plus years of living.
Someone even more ancient than me, Aristotle, in Nicomachean Ethics, identified three types of friendships: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of virtue (or the good). [1].
A friendship of utility is based on providing practical benefits to all involved. For instance, person A drives person B to the office one week, and person B reciprocates the next, and on it goes. In the car, they have pleasant conversations. Their friendship does not extend beyond this arrangement.
In contrast, a friendship of pleasure is based on shared enjoyment, such as participating in activities like playing golf or tennis together. The “friends with benefits” dynamic might fit into this category, though it could also be argued to belong to utility.
Aristotle observed that both types of friendships tend to be short-lived, often fading when the circumstances that initially brought the friends together change or when they drift apart.
The most profound type, a friendship of virtue, is grounded in mutual affection, respect and genuine concern for each other. Unlike the first two, this friendship involves a sincere desire to help and support the other person without expecting anything in return. The following discussion will focus on friendship that includes romantic couples but does not address issues that arise with sharing a home or a bed.
Friends provide emotional companionship, and a sense of belonging, making life more meaningful and fulfilling. To belong is to matter. [2]. At its core, friendship is about connection. Intellectually challenging friendships keep your brain agile and protect your cognitive function. A good friend will support you when you are in the dumps and make you feel better about yourself [3] while decreasing feelings of isolation [4].
Friendships work very much like a garden, apple orchard or corn field. If you wish to have a garden bursting with flowers and bushes, or to grow a good crop in your apple orchards or corn fields, you need to clear it of weeds and pests and nourish it with fertilizers, water and sun.
Weeding (or when to start removing weeds and insects):
- When you start taking your friend for granted and you or your friend points this out to you. Such as when you “forget” to thank your friend for small acts of kindness, like dropping off a loaf of bread you just baked. Or you gradually hug your partner less frequently. Or you start neglecting your hygiene or appearance.
- When you notice that you or your friend seem to have a growing number of hostile exchanges. At a restaurant the other day I overheard the following conversation. “Is that a burrata toast you are having?” “No.” “What is it?” “It’s a ricotta toast.” The woman could have said, “no,” with a smile, “it’s ricotta” instead of just no, period with a scowl thus making the questioner feel like he asked a stupid question. The tone and facial expression also matter. Her “no” sounded and looked hostile. The conversation continued to escalate. When they left, they did not look happy.
- When criticisms rise and praises decline. In a good relationship, positive feedback should exceed negative comments. If the needle starts moving toward fault-finding, it indicates troubled waters are ahead.
- When you avoid addressing misunderstandings. When you are silent about some hurt that your friend has caused you, it will foment a growing resentment and bitterness on your part and to confusion for your friend, who will sense that something is wrong, but not know what it is. If you want to preserve this friendship, say what’s bothering you as soon as possible. Say it carefully and with a minimum of hostility at a place that is private and have the conversation when you both have time.
- When you keep secrets. This is like the above, but it can cause even more emotional damage to your relationship. Secrets are slow acting poisons to a friendship of virtue. Usually, we hide something that would show us in a bad light and be a source of embarrassment to us or the other person. If you do sit on a secret or secrets, consider which outcome is more desirable for you: watching your relationship deteriorate or, by making a clean breast of it, become your authentic and better self. I hate to say this because it is such a cliché, but it happens to be true: honesty is the best policy.
Planting
Friendships formed in elementary school, high school or university, during early employment, while playing on sports teams, or taking children to daycare or kindergarten, tend to last for a long time. However, as you grow older, friends can move away, others may become sick and debilitated, or addicted to alcohol or drugs or become overly religious or subscribe to conspiracy theories you do not support. The sad fact is that you gradually lose these former friends one by one. The bells are ringing. Time to look for new friends.
There are many places and many ways in which you can meet potential friends. At a party or at a library or while shopping you may strike up a conversation with a person who looks approachable. If, for example, in the supermarket you notice a man searching for something but having a hard time finding it, you may offer to help. “What is it you are looking for?” The man says he is trying to find anchovies. If you know where they are, you can guide him to it or help to find them. While walking, you may start a conversation, “I like to add anchovies to my Caesar salad, is that your plan?” or “are you new to this area?” etc.
Do not hesitate to engage in small talk for fear of sounding superficial. Being able to make small talk comes naturally to some. Others must learn it. Matt Abrahams, a lecturer of Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business, [5] considers small talk the gateway to deeper, richer talk. Research has shown the beneficial effects of small talk on health and well-being. Gillian Sandstrom, an associate professor in the psychology of kindness at the U.K.’s University of Sussex who has researched the effects of minimal social interactions holds that small talk helps us to feel like we belong and that we matter to other people. It’s like a shot in the arm boosting our mood [3 ]. You will find that most people are really nice and kind if you approach them in the same way.
Making new friends requires friendliness on your part. So does taking a genuine interest in people and a cheerful countenance. Nobody is attracted to a sourpuss.
Cultivating
Just as a garden needs regular maintenance to thrive, so do relationships. Building strong connections requires:
- Active listening by which I mean paying full attention, avoiding interruptions and responding thoughtfully. I remember once meeting R D Laing, the famous Scottish psychiatrist. When I spoke with him, he looked straight into my eyes and I felt like he was looking right into my soul, for lack of a better word. Ever since, I have tried to look into the eyes of the person I am speaking to. Active listening communicates to your friend that they are seen and understood.
- Being centred and feeling grounded helps you to stay focused on what your friend is saying.
- Fostering a supportive and positive environment where trust and respect can grow.
- Openness and honesty at all times. Living with hidden resentment and bitterness is very unhealthy.
- A willingness to adapt to new circumstances, as people can change over time.
- A sense of humour. Having a good laugh together is the super glue to a healthy relationship. But never make fun of your friend even if it’s just meant as a joke. These things usually backfire.
- Be generous with praise and expressions of gratitude.
- While disagreements may arise occasionally, a strong friendship will navigate differences while preserving mutual appreciation. As Heraclitus, a Greek pre-Socratic philosopher, said: “it is what opposes that helps” and “from different tones comes the fairest tune.” [1].
- Remember that you don’t want your friend or partner to be a carbon copy of you. That would make for some really dull conversations. Value and enjoy the differences.
- Emotional vulnerability and the knowledge that sharing your thoughts, feelings and needs will be met with compassion and kept confidential.
- Many people, especially men, have trouble owning up to mistakes and being able to say sorry. Don’t be one of them.
- A good friend serves as a mirror, reflecting both strengths and weaknesses, ultimately promoting self-awareness and personal growth.
- In today’s digital age, friendships often span great distances, allowing people to stay connected across large expanses of time and space. However, while virtual interactions help maintain relationships, they cannot fully replace the depth and warmth of in-person conversations and shared moments.
You may find that despite faithfully practising all the suggestions set forth above, some people you have tried to befriend fail to reciprocate. It is a fool’s errand to keep trying to befriend a person who seemingly resists all your overtures. Stop stewing about it. Let it go and focus your energies on family and friends who respect and love you.
Weeds and pests will grow on their own; flowers, apples, corn – not so much. Remember, good friendships require consistent intentional effort.
References
- Nodelman, U., Allen, C., & Perry, J. (2003). Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.
- Lambert, N. M., Stillman, T. F., Hicks, J. A., Kamble, S., Baumeister, R. F., & Fincham, F. D. (2013). To belong is to matter: Sense of belonging enhances meaning in life. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39(11), 1418–1427.
- Sandstrom, GM, Dunn, EW. (2014). Social Interactions and Well-Being: The Surprising Power of Weak Ties. Pers Soc Psychol Bull.;40(7):910-922.
- Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999
- Abrahams, Matt https://www.gsb.stanford.edu/business-podcasts/think-fast-talk-smart-podcast
