Alexa Mazzarello, left, with her son Henry, husband Justin Bull and daughter Maya.Supplied
In this new series, Sliding Doors, we explore real-life crossroads that shape personal ambition: Take the leap or play it safe? Move forward or pivot? We talk to real people facing real-life decisions and speak to experts about the ambition and intuition behind these kinds of choices.
Since becoming a mom to two kids, Ottawa photographer Alexa Mazzarello has been focusing on themes of ‘matrescence’ in her work – the transition a woman goes through to become a mother, from preconception to pregnancy to birth and beyond.
Ms. Mazzarello didn’t always know if motherhood was right for her. Growing up, her dad ran his own construction business and her mom was an accountant. After her mom had her second child, she decided not to go back to work, instead staying home to raise Alexa and her two siblings.
“Seeing that growing up, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids, because I just thought that meant I had to give everything up for the children,” says Ms. Mazzarello, 37.
The decision whether to have children or not is a dilemma faced by many Canadians. In a 2022 Statistics Canada survey, one-third of respondents between the ages of 15 and 49 said they did not intend to have children. Canada’s birth rate has been declining for 15 years; in 2023, 10 out of 13 Canadian provinces and territories had record-low birth rates, with the lowest in British Columbia, at one child per woman.
Global factors can play a role in whether or not someone chooses to become a parent; a 2023 study found that 39 per cent of Canadians surveyed hesitated to become parents due to climate change, while a 2024 study found that 41 per cent of Canadians say financial security is the biggest reason they’re waiting to have children.
Fears that are ‘rooted in the future’
Keltie Maguire is a motherhood clarity coach. She says that while it’s important to consider these kinds of big external factors when choosing whether to have kids, what matters the most is a person’s personal desires.
“It’s important that we think about, ‘Do I want this?’ If so, how much does [that choice] warrant the challenges associated with that?” she says.
Originally from Vancouver, Ms. Maguire lives in Munich, Germany. At 42, she’s child-free by choice, and runs her business, Kids or Childfree, to help women who are grappling with this major life decision.
Ms. Maguire says that many of her clients’ fears are “rooted in the future.” What if they have a child, only to discover that they don’t like being a mom? On the other hand, what if they choose to stay child-free, and realize “the stamps in my passport aren’t actually going to bring fulfilment in old age?” Ms. Maguire says, quoting one of her clients. (Biology can also play a role in this decision-making, as fertility can decline with age.)
Through workshops and one-on-one coaching, Ms. Maguire helps her clients get clear on which life experiences are most important to them, and what their values are. For example, by remaining child-free, someone may be able to pursue a career or passions that would be harder with children, such as being a freelancer or travelling extensively. If someone does want children, Ms. Maguire helps them uncover what their unique version of parenthood could look like, and how it might differ from what they saw growing up.
Shifting roles
Despite being “totally hesitant” to become a mom, Ms. Mazzarello says it was still something she thought about in early adulthood. When she fantasized about her future, “I knew that being a parent was something I didn’t want to miss out on,” she says.
Ms. Mazzarello and her husband Justin had their first child, Henry, in 2021. The couple married in 2022 and welcomed their second child, Maya, in 2023. “I was just overwhelmed by the amount that I loved [them],” Ms. Mazzarello says. “I couldn’t believe that you could even love something this much.”
Photograph by Alexa Mazzarello, 2021.
Though she grew up fearing that having children would mean sacrificing her passions, Ms. Mazzarello says motherhood hasn’t taken away from her career as a photographer. In fact, she’s currently in the process of opening her first-ever studio in Ottawa.
“When I photograph now, I have new eyes,” she says. “I feel more connected to the world – everybody at the heart of it is the same, wanting to provide for their family, love their kids.”
Until recently, Ms. Mazzarello has been the primary parent in her household. With the new studio opening, that role will shift, she says.
“The most important decision I think that you’ll ever make is who you have children with,” Ms. Mazzarello says. “Having children, juggling work lives – all these things are very stressful, but [Justin and I] found that we could weather the storm together.”
Respecting freedom of choice
For those who are still weighing their options, Ms. Maguire says it’s important not to “villainize” the choice to stay child-free. Women, especially, may fear they will be judged for deciding not to have kids.
“We’re asking this question [about having children] because we recognize we have a choice, which is something that women haven’t had in the past,” Ms. Maguire says.
Growing up in a traditional Italian family, Ms. Mazzarello says there were always pressures and expectations to do things a certain way; not only to have kids, but also to get married before having kids, something she and her husband didn’t do.
“I have always walked to the beat of my own drum and tried to do things that felt right for me,” Ms. Mazzarello says. “Everybody has had to just deal with that.”
