Hormbles Chormbles! Try saying it out loud. It’s like they invented a new kind of intrusive thought, a brand designed to jar you awake at 1 a.m., your heart racing to the ambient threat of chormbles. Hormbles Chormbles is breaking all technology. When I try to type it, it autocorrects to “hormones.” When I say it into a voice recorder it assumes I must mean “hormels rhombus” or “horrible storm.” I am walking around my apartment muttering she hormble on my chormble til I disrupt because I am too online but honestly what the hell else am I supposed to do with this information, Mr. Hormble?
Hormbles Chormbles is the latest venture from RXBAR cofounder Jared Smith, and if you go to hormbles.com, an address they had to assure GoDaddy wasn’t a typo, you’ll see what they’re actually trying to disrupt is the concept of a chocolate bar made with sugar. “Candy never really made sense,” they write, as if they have never eaten it before. It’s candy. You eat it and it tastes good. Then they write “Hormbles Chormbles chormbled Chormbles so for once in a Hormble all Hormbles could chormble. If Hormbles chormble Chormbles, Hormbles should share Chormbles for all Hormbles to chormble” and I am wondering if I had a stroke or if reading that sentence gave me one.
The website features photos of beautiful women-laughing-alone-with-hormbles-chormbles like they’re totally unbothered by the eldritch curse written on their snack. A Hormbles Chormbles comes in flavors like classic milk, cookies & creme and salted fudge. They are made with 10g of whey protein and allulose and monk fruit extract. That’s about as much protein as two eggs in one candy bar, making the Hormbles Chormbles part of a wave of “functional” and “guilt free” snacks and drinks that are making eating kind of exhausting.
Okay I think it’s the “s” that’s messing me up? Like Hormble Chormble is an atrocity but at least that could be the name of a singular bar of chocolate. But Hormbles Chormbles implies that there is a plurality in the singular. Wheels within wheels! Is this referring to the crunchy bits in each bar? Are those the hormbles chormbles, or just the chormbles and hormbles some sort of otherworldly adjective modifying the chormbles? God forbid they come up with a different product and we get a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita situation on our hand that’s like a Hormbles Chormbles Honeycomb.
Maybe they taste good! Maybe Tony Chocolonelyed so Hormble could Chormble and we’re entering a new age of something packed with protein actually tasting like a treat. Or maybe they taste, well, horrimble, because does a chocolate bar where chocolate is the fifth ingredient listed really sound good to you, Miss Ratatouille? That’s just the way the hormble chormbles.
I just can’t get over this. Hormbles Chormbles sounds like the Teletubbies trying to curse you out. Hormbles Chormbles didn’t respond when we asked what the inspiration behind the name was, but I guess credit where credit is due to marketing, they’re clearly in on the joke, and here I am, thinking about Hormbles Chormbles. In fact, it is consuming me. I wish you a hormbles chormbles! And with your spirit!
