How can parents prepare to make sure their kids are safe at a sleepover? We answer your questions | Canada Voices

On Jan 30, The Globe and Mail’s generations reporter Ann Hui and culture and life editor Rachel Giese answered reader questions on how parents feel about letting their kids go on sleepovers.

Once a rite of passage, sleepovers have become the subject of intense debate between parents at school drop-offs and on social media. Hui set out to learn why some parents, and particularly millennials, are hesitant to let their kids spend the night at a friend’s house, while others still see it as an important bonding experience.

Millennial parents increasingly saying ‘no’ to sleepovers

Readers asked about the pros and cons of letting their children go to sleepovers, the generational difference between parenting choices and how they can productively communicate their concerns with other parents.

Here are some highlights from the Q+A.

Doing your homework on sleepovers

What kind of research and questions should parents ask when deciding if their child can spend the night at another family’s house or vice-versa?

Ann Hui: My biggest take-away from reporting this story was the list of questions that experts like Rosalia Rivera and Shimi Kang suggested for parents when considering sleepovers.

Basically, there’s a checklist for parents, which includes asking questions like: How well do I know the other parents and family? Have I talked to the other family about who else will be in the home – other relatives like siblings, grandparents, family friends? Do I know what the sleeping arrangements will be? And what are the rules in the host family around technology and access to the Internet?

They also suggest a checklist that parents ask about their own child: Is my child ready for a sleepover? Do they have issues around separation? Can my child communicate effectively and advocate for what they need? Does my child understand body safety, and how to enforce boundaries for themself?

And one last piece of advice that I heard over and over is to make sure your kid has an exit strategy. This means making sure they have a way of communicating directly with you, and a way to leave if they don’t feel comfortable or safe.

How can parents communicate their hesitations towards sleepovers without coming off as too strict to their children and other parents?

Rachel Giese: I think old-fashioned phone calls (as opposed to a grilling in a group text or e-mail) go a long way in opening up the conversation and making it less charged. I also think that it would be important to pick just one or two big concerns to discuss (like your rules around phones or social media, or if your kid has allergies, or needs medication) rather than presenting another parent a laundry list of your worst fears. If the other family are complete strangers, maybe suggest a play date first ahead of the sleepover to build connection and trust.

Parents should be prepared to have some flexibility, not impose their house rules on others, and be aware that kids are probably going to eat junk food and stay up way too late and be monsters when they come home the next day. As well, I think it’s important to understand what your kid might need to make it a fun and safe experience – what are their fears and what are they looking forward to? – and to communicate that

Hui: Ultimately, what Rosalia Rivera, the child abuse prevention educator told me, was that although these conversations can be awkward to have with other parents, it’s best for parents to have those uncomfortable positions rather than putting their kids in an uncomfortable situation.

Something else she said that really resonated with me is that the more parents have these conversations with each other, the more they become normalized. So eventually, having more and more parents openly asking each other questions like: “What is your tech policy?” “Who will be in the home during the sleepover?” will make the conversations feels less uncomfortable. And maybe, sleepovers can become safer overall.

Another thing that Rosalia said that really resonated with me was that sometimes, having these conversations with the other parents, can give you more insight into whether or not you feel comfortable having your child stay with them.

If it’s a question of trust, shouldn’t parents make the effort on the part of their kids to get to know the other parents? It shouldn’t solely be our children’s responsibility to learn how to suss out a risky situation.

Hui: This is a great point that I’ve heard echoed by a lot of other parents. I think you’re right, that parents ultimately have to trust their own judgment – and that that decision has to be based on work they’ve done in getting to know their kids’ friends and families.

But one fear that I heard echoed, over and over, is the increased awareness that, in most cases of child abuse, the offender is someone who is known to the victim – whether it’s a relative, family friend, peer, or someone else. It’s an unsettling question that a lot of parents are having to grapple with.

Have instances of sleepover horror stories actually increased, or are we just hearing about them more because of social media?

Hui: This is a great question, that, unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for. As I note in the story, a big reason behind this debate is the fact that we just don’t have the data around safety of sleepovers. This is true in Canada and the U.S. So, in the absence of data, there’s speculation.

How can parents keep perspective on the warring social media content they see about sleepovers? Is any of it helpful?

Giese: Is social media ever helpful when it comes to nuanced and compassionate discussions? I think having IRL conversations with other parents and listening to actual experts is how to find that perspective and balance about any parenting issue. I also think talking to parents of older kids helps too. But in the end, I think we could grapple with a lot of these issues a little more lightly. I don’t think that going to sleepovers or not going to sleepovers is a make or break life experience. Whatever your choice, your kid is going to be fine.

How sleepovers can impact children

What exactly are the benefits of a sleepover?

Hui: Experts talk about the fact that sleepovers can be an important place for developing friendships, and childhood bonding.

They’re also a great way of encouraging independence and confidence for children. I even read of one expert who suggested sleepovers as a form of treatment for children who have intense separation anxiety.

There’s also the fact that they’re fun. What kid wouldn’t want to go on a never-ending playdate with their closest pals?

The risk of something bad happening to your child could outweigh all the positives, since such an incident could traumatize your child for life or worse. Do the positives really outweigh the risks?

Hui: For me, the main take-away from my reporting is that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to making the decision on whether or not to let your child attend.

But what’s important, if you do decide to let your child go to a sleepover, is that you’re doing your due diligence: Asking questions of yourselves, as parents, and questions of the host family, to make sure you understand all of the potential risks, and that you’re making sure your child is as best prepared as possible.

I worry the “helicopter parenting” I see from other parents is stopping our kids from being independent and resilient. Is this not just an extension of that? Or did the parents you spoke to treat sleepovers differently than other risks in their kids’ lives?

Hui: The main difference I heard was just the amount of time kids can spend at sleepovers, unsupervised. And while that’s always been true of sleepovers, experts pointed out that there are new risks that exist today that didn’t exist for kids, say, 20 or 30 years ago. Most of those risks involve technology, and use of devices. The potential for bad things to happen today because of cameraphones, social media, and online predators, is something that parents a few generations ago just didn’t have to worry about.

The other main difference is that we just have a greater awareness today around the prevalence of child abuse. Whether it’s headlines coming out of the music industry, Hollywood, sports, or even the Catholic Church, we’re learning a lot more now about just how common child abuse is in our world. The latest statistic I could find in Canada is that, as of 2018, almost one-third of Canadians said they had been subjected to physical or sexual abuse before the time they were 15.

Why do you think sleepovers carry such strong memories for those who had them growing up? And why do you think there has been such a large response from readers to this article?

Hui: I think part of the response comes from exactly that: the strong nostalgia factor, and that so many readers grew up with such powerful, personal memories from attending such sleepovers. It’s a subject people feel personally invested in, because their own personal memories.

I think that any time the subject of parenting comes up, it can expose a nerve. Readers may feel defensive about their own parenting choices, or as though their own experiences are being invalidated.

My kids love going to sleepovers and we love to host their friends, too. How can we make sleepovers safer or include kids who aren’t allowed to stay overnight?

Giese: That’s a really thoughtful question: how can all kids, even those who are not permitted to go to sleepovers, be included? I’d suggest first talking to the parents of those kids about what they think would make it more safe and fun. I also think something like a daytime pyjama party could be one way to be inclusive. Another is to host a small gathering in a neutral space like a park that includes parents so that they can get to know each other and socialize while kids are playing.

A generational question

Did reporting this story change your thinking about whether you’ll allow your daughter to have sleepovers when she’s old enough?

Hui: Sleepovers were not at all a thing in my home growing up. Don’t get me wrong. This was the 1980s and 1990s and peak of Sleepover Culture. There were movies and TV shows and even YA book series devoted to sleepovers.

But my parents were immigrants, and, as with many cultures that aren’t from North America, sleepovers were 100% no go. So I desperately wanted to attend sleepovers, and always assumed that, as an adult, I would let my own kids have sleepovers.

So, a few months ago, when the mom of one of my daughter’s friends first suggested a sleepover, I surprised myself. To be clear, my daughter is just 4. But my hesitation wasn’t just around her age. I, too, had been subject to a lot of the horror stories from social media – my own timeline is filled with “experts” discussing why they would never let their kid go to a sleepover.

So part of taking on this story was wanting to better understand, for myself, how to think about the issue. I still haven’t come to any conclusion either way. But I do feel confident from my reporting that I at least have a good list of questions to ask myself – and other parents – before deciding on each invite.

Why do we need to frame this question against millennials vs other generations. Surely there have been some parents allowing sleepovers and others not in past generations?

Giese: I hear your point. But the reason why we looked at it generationally is that it is millennials who are grappling with this right now. They are the demographic with school-age kids. There is a specific context to parenting young and preteen kids at this moment. As someone with a kid a decade older than those in Ann’s story, social media and smartphones were not as big a factor, not quite as omnipresent, in my son’s and his peers’ lives as they are today.

I also think that many parents of young children are still finding their equilibrium after the pandemic and still dealing with how lockdowns affected them and their kids, their sense of security and safety. I also think that our discourse (especially on social media) around all aspects of our lives has become increasingly loud and fractious and judgmental. It’s a very different set of pressures that millennial parents are facing compared to other generations.

Isn’t this trend related to many people’s desire not to know their neighbours, and doesn’t that represent a disintegration of community? If so, is there a solution?

Giese: I do think there’s a community component to this. I was very easy about having my son go to sleepovers and having his friends sleep over at my place. But I knew all the parents and families to some degree: from his hockey team and from the neighbourhood. So a lot of the fears that parents cited in Ann’s story about strangers weren’t a factor for me. I also found sleepovers to be a form of community building for parents. In my case, we didn’t have grandparents or other family nearby for child care, so sleepovers were a way to have a night off and a break, or a way to provide that for other parents.