Vera Ilnyckyj says that she’s grateful for her divorce, which gave her a fresh direction.Glenn Lowson
In 2009, Vera Ilnyckyj went on a trip that would change her life. She flew from Calgary to Singapore to visit her then-husband’s parents for the holidays. When they landed, her husband of four years said he wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce.
“I didn’t go into marriage to get a divorce. I wanted to make this a success,” she explains. “For the next two weeks, I pretended that things were okay even though, obviously, they weren’t.”
When it was clear that her marriage was over, Ms. Ilnyckyj says she felt that her life as she knew it was over, which it was in a certain sense. But as she started to heal she found a new chapter, launching a life coaching business and helping other women navigate difficult turning points.
In this three-part series, Plot Twists, we explore how people can often feel overwhelmed by life’s unexpected challenges and unsure of how to navigate through them. We’ll meet three individuals who’ll share their experiences and their lessons around triumphing over adversity.
Ms. Ilnyckyj talks about how she managed to get to the other side after the sudden loss of her marriage.
In the early days after your husband asked for a divorce, what did you find yourself reflecting on?
One of the key things was that I had stopped listening to my intuition. I’d stopped listening to myself through the process. In fact, I knew it wasn’t the right thing even before we got married.
I showed up to the church [on my wedding day]. Right before I walked in, I broke out in hives, which is not a thing that happens to me. I think it was my body telling me this isn’t the right decision. But I went through with it anyway. Then four years later, this happened. It just collapsed.
What was your initial reaction?
It took a couple of months to actually say, “Okay, yes, we’re going to get a divorce.” There was a period of time where I was like, “No, let’s fight for this. Let’s go to counselling. Let’s try to make it work.” There were conversations and discussions around that. From my perspective, I wanted to see if we could make things work and put things together.
Losing love can be a chance to reflect, find your inner strength and make a new beginning, says Vera Ilnyckyj.Glenn Lowson
How long did it take after that shock to accept what was happening?
At different points, I was in denial. Then there was the shift to knowing that I needed to make this a reality in my eyes and start telling people, which is always the hard part. There was a lot of guilt that I needed to work through, that I was letting people down in my life. It was challenging to tell my parents and grandparents, and those people that are closest to me, that this was going to happen.
How did you make the shift from devastation to healing?
I think a part of it was accepting my responsibility for it. Because before this all happened, I had this sort of preconceived notion or perspective. I would look at other people getting a divorce, and you’re like, “Wow, people get so angry, bitter and resentful. How can people get to this point?”
You marry because you love this person. All of a sudden, you’re ready to do all these horrible things to them. You’re saying horrible things. You’re taking them to court. You’re fighting. I realized how quickly you can get sucked into this negativity and blaming. I decided fairly early on that I didn’t want to be that person. And I had to really take a look at myself and say, “Well, what responsibility did I play in this?” It’s a two-way street. I went through with the marriage. I had a role to play.
What positives emerged from the experience?
As terrible as it was, I’m grateful for it because it led me to counselling and doing a lot of therapy. When I worked with a coach at that time in my life, I learned a lot about myself, setting boundaries, where this may have stemmed from, and what I could do with it moving forward. It was really the start of me creating what I’m doing now. Not that I would have thought about that 15 years ago.
What lessons do you have for others going through the end of a relationship?
It was the start of me realizing that accepting responsibility is the key to things, because we get to decide every day. I don’t want to be a bitter person. I want to be a person who’s optimistic, takes control of her life, and moves through things with grace, hope and integrity. I have to decide every single day that this is how I’m going to show up in the world.
As a life coach, do you draw from your own experience to impart advice to your clients?
People will say, “I don’t know how you went through it.” Well, because you make a decision to do it. I tell people all the time, “You’re stronger than you think.” People are super resilient. You have what it takes to get to the other side. Even if you’re stuck in this mire, or you don’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m telling you it’s there.
