It’s a fact of life: Not everyone will like you, and you can’t please everyone. However, some people are frequently labeled “difficult to be around,” often in settings like work, friendships and even intimate relationships. And this isn’t a case of just paranoia that everyone’s mean to you; it’s more of a lack of self-awareness about how their actions and words come off that makes them so difficult for others to be around.
Words play a significant role in whether or not people deem you as a drain to be around or not. This could come as a surprise for some, since we often hear that “actions speak louder than words,” and “it’s not what you say but how you say it.” But make no mistake: words do matter. If you say certain things regularly, people may think you’re difficult to be around and even unlikable.
“Although some words may be viewed as fillers, every word in a sentence contains meaning that can hit us viscerally,” reports Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele. “Positive people add value while negative people take away from it. A persistently negative person could project their own fears and anxiety onto you, making them difficult to be around.”
To help, psychologists revealed seven phrases that can make people think you’re difficult to be around, and how to develop an internal filter.
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7 Phrases That Can Make People Think You’re Difficult To Be Around, Psychologists Say
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1. “That’s not possible.”
Sometimes, this phrase holds true—for instance, you can’t read minds or fly. However, regularly saying these three words can be a major turn-off, especially when a colleague or friend is interested in trying something new. Dr. Leno shares that this phrase can often make someone feel like you’re picking a fight or starting a debate rather than seeking connection and conversation.
That said, there’s often a hidden reason behind the regular use of this phrase.
“Some think in terms of obstacles because it feels safer to prepare for the worst than hope for the best,” she explains.
2. “It’s time to get over it.”
This phrase is nails on a chalkboard, and Dr. Leno notes that people usually say it when they can’t handle someone else’s feelings.
“They relate too little or too much to [a] situation,” she explains. “It’s difficult to be around a person who attempts to ‘time’s up’ your emotional process.”
3. “They/you should’ve known better.”
Sometimes, it’s best not to kick someone when they’re down, especially if they’re already being hard on themselves, like after making a massive blunder at work that led to a suspension.
“Difficult people focus on morality over sympathy or empathy,” Dr. Leno states. “Their perspective may feel unusually cold and unwarranted. Someone may understandably avoid this person, especially during delicate periods.”
4. “You wouldn’t understand.”
This phrase is also often uttered from a soapbox. One psychologist notes that comments like this can come across as condescending and make others feel you’re talking down to them.
“Communicating with an attitude of superiority and that others are beneath you or ‘couldn’t possibly understand’ something that you do is difficult to be around,” saysDr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
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5. “You’re too sensitive.”
If you use this phrase, it’s often a sign that you struggle to deal with someone else’s negative emotions. Yet, people naturally experience positive and negative emotions. That makes it difficult to be around someone who frequently tries to shut down anyone else’s need to discuss a bad day or difficult time.
“Instead of engaging with the content of what was said, it reframes the issue as a flaw in the other person, which can feel invalidating,” explains Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
6. “I’m just being honest.“
Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares that this phrase is often used as a follow-up to blunt or poorly-timed communication. Honesty can build trust. However, what you say and how (and when) you say something all add up, for better or worse.
“Honesty without relational awareness can function more like criticism, especially when it is not grounded in care for the impact on the other person,” he warns.
7. “Everyone else agrees with me.”
Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares that this phrase backfires for several reasons and can make people think you’re difficult to be around.
“This phrase can be an attempt to reduce uncertainty or anxiety in conflict,” he explains. “Psychologically, it shifts the interaction from dialogue to power, which tends to shut people down rather than resolve differences.”
Related: 13 Surprising Habits That Make You ‘Instantly Likable,’ Psychologists Say
3 Tips for Developing a Filter
1. Tolerate discomfort before responding
In a world of texting and various messengers, it’s natural to feel pressed to respond immediately. However, that can often lead you to say things that land you on the “difficult to be around” list.
“A lot of interpersonal trouble comes from reacting too quickly,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. “When someone says something that lands awkwardly or feels critical, the urge is to defend, explain or shut it down.”
It’s an urge worth fighting.
“Giving yourself even a brief pause allows emotions to settle and makes it more likely you will respond in a way that keeps the conversation open rather than escalating it,” he notes.
2. Balance positive, negative and neutral comments
Dr. Smith stresses you don’t need to be positive all the time.
“This would fall into toxic positivity territory,” she states. “But if you notice you are skewed too much—however you define ‘too much’—for yourself, to negative comments during an entire exchange with someone, consider if you’re actually okay with that or want to give more balance.”
3. Consider impact, not just intent
Sometimes, “difficult” people say things out of good intentions. Unfortunately, that’s not enough.
“From a psychological perspective, relationships break down when people focus only on what they meant instead of how their words landed,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa states. “Being willing to hear that something was hurtful, even when it was not intended that way, builds trust. It signals emotional maturity and makes others feel safer being honest with you.”
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Sources:
- Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.
- Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
- Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
