The fairytales swear that marriage means you live “happily ever after.” However, “ever after” is a long time, and it’s not always happy. Ups and downs are a part of life and marriage. Sometimes, couples can’t even work through issues in the 90 minutes it takes to finish a Disney movie. Couples counseling can help partners find their ways, but you have to know when to go. That’s why it can be helpful to know about common reasons for marriage counseling.
“Knowing what to look for can improve the timeliness of realizing the benefit of seeking marriage counseling, which allows problems to be less entrenched,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. “When problems are less entrenched, change is usually easier and faster to make happen.”
It’s not magic, of course, but it’s worth rolling up your sleeves. Dr. Smith shares the number one reason couples should consider marriage counseling, plus 10 other instances where it might be a good idea. She also reveals her top advice for approaching couples therapy (including what not to do).
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The No. 1 Sign You Need Marriage Counseling
The biggest sign you need marriage counseling with your significant other is when you’re having unhealthy or unproductive arguments.
“If the feeling in the home is more frequently one of strife and tension, with arguing happening more often than connection and peace, it is worthwhile to consider couples counseling,” Dr. Smith says.
To be clear, she isn’t saying that arguments are bad. In fact, they are normal.
“Arguments happen in the healthiest of relationships, so arguing in and of itself is not the problem,” she explains. “It’s more about how a couple argues and what comes from the arguing that matters.”
Dr. Smith worries that people haven’t been taught how to disagree or manage “big” emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment productively. Which then leads to these kinds of disagreements and fights.
“For this reason, most people could benefit from some level of education to help them grow in these areas,” she elaborates. “While reading or watching videos on one’s own and individual or group counseling can help grow with these skills, couples counseling is another avenue to consider when problematic dynamics occur more frequently.”
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10 More Reasons You Might Need Marriage Counseling
While frequent and unproductive arguing is the number one sign you and your partner should go to marriage counseling, it’s not the only sign. Here are a few other instances where you and your spouse or significant other might benefit from couples therapy.
1. Chronically feeling unseen and unheard
Everyone misses the mark now and again, even in healthy relationships. However, Dr. Smith says it’s worth bringing up if you find it’s a chronic issue.
“If effective change isn’t happening, then meeting with a couples counselor can be an appropriate option to springboard brainstorming of what can help all parties within the relationship feel appropriately heard and seen,” she explains.
2. Going in circles
Conversations shouldn’t feel like a merry-go-round you don’t recall getting in line to ride.
“If it seems like a hamster wheel situation, then consider meeting with a mental health professional for couples counseling to identify ways to break the pattern and help forward movement happen,” Dr. Smith says.
3. Feeling disconnected
This one is going to be highly personal.
“Disconnected can mean a variety of things, so whatever it means to you is within bounds,” Dr. Smith says. “If you are feeling a sense of disconnect in whatever way is important to you, and you and your partner haven’t been able to overcome it on your own, then a couples therapist could be worth considering.”
4. Not feeling cared for
Dr. Smith says this one isn’t about a partner who doesn’t care. It’s about someone who doesn’t feel cared for.
“A person showing care and another feeling the level of care intended is not the same thing,” she explains. “It is important for partners to be able to hear what actually helps their partner feel cared for so that they know where to invest the time and energy in showing care.”
For instance, you may think booking a spa day for your partner who is stressed out by new parenthood or caring for an aging relative is the best option. However, your partner may have just wanted a nap with the door closed.
“Ultimately, we can say we are showing care until we are blue in the face, but if our partner does not feel cared for, it’s for naught,” Dr. Smith says. “Couples counseling is a space where an objective third party can help identify where the misses are happening and brainstorm ideas for connection.”
5. Broken trust
Dr. Smith calls this one a “biggie.”
“As the gist of the saying goes, trust takes a long time to build and seconds to break,” she says. “When trust has been broken, especially if it is a major trust breach, couples counseling is needed to help the couple get unstuck and move forward meaningfully. Broken trust can tap into depths that can be difficult to work through in a healthy way without professional assistance.”
6. Major life event
Whether planned or unplanned, desired or not, major life events can turn couples’ lives upside down. These can include the death of a parent, the birth of a child, a promotion that requires more hours (but way more money) or a job loss. While “going through it together” may sound feasible initially, reality can play out differently.
Dr. Smith says a couples counselor can help you identify a productive path forward.
7. Communication on a specific issue
According to Dr. Smith, topics like parenting, finances or how much to help a loved one can often benefit from an objective “outsider” if a couple isn’t on the same page. That said, if you’re looking for a straight answer, don’t expect one from the therapist.
“The couple’s counselor will not tell a couple what decision needs to be made but can help the couple identify where they are missing each other,” she explains. “A counselor can find ways to assist the couple in better hearing, listening, and expressing themselves to help one another see how they connect the dots and find approaches for how to proceed.”
She cautions that the result may not leave you and your partner in agreement or seeing eye to eye, “but it can help them feel more like a team in how they handle those areas.”
8. Undesired changes in intimacy
These intimacy changes can be emotional, physical, sexual or a combination.
“People change, which means couples have changes to navigate over the course of a relationship,” Dr. Smith says. “No one is going to be or feel the exact same over a prolonged period of time, and sometimes the changes may be undesired.”
If discussing the issues doesn’t help, she recommends a couples counselor, as they can provide meaningful support.
9. Thinking often and/or intensely about someone else as a partner
Dr. Smith says this thought pattern can include fantasizing, daydreaming or less involved, fleeting thoughts of someone else as a partner.
“While aspects of this can be within bounds, it is worth paying attention to the reasons and the impact of thinking often or intensely about someone else as a partner,” she explains. “This can be an indication that something within your own relationship needs to be worked on and improved to make it more fulfilling.”
In therapy, she stresses that a partner doesn’t have to focus on the fantasizing.
“[Instead], a partner… can use the frequency or intensity of the fantasizing as a realization that something can be worked on and improved within their own relationship,” Dr. Smith shares.
10. Wondering if this is the relationship to stay within
“This could involve considering breaking up or divorce, but as a couples counseling provider, the hope would be you are catching this thought at an earlier stage before it has become intense,” Dr. Smith says.
She adds that it’s healthy to consider fit and how you’re fulfilling one another. However?
“If you notice yourself questioning whether this is the relationship for you and are struggling to address that with a partner, then consider couples counseling to help further assess goodness of fit. If the relationship is viable, the provider can help with improvements,” she explains. “Even if it is decided that it is best to part ways, the couple’s counselor can still assist with helping uncouple in healthy ways.”
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A Psychologist’s Best Advice on Marriage Counseling
Marriage counseling isn’t a cure-all and you get out of it what you put into it. So ultimately, your mindset plays a huge role.
“Do go into couples counseling with the idea that you and your partner(s) will have things that can be worked on and improved,” Dr. Smith says. “This mindset of team and all teammates having something to work on allows each to show up ready and willing to work and to do their part for improvement.”
However, she warns against entering counseling with the idea that the therapy will “fix” the other person or your relationship.
“Couples counseling should not be focused on just one person, and counseling in and of itself is not going to fix anything,” Dr. Smith explains. “It’s the work clients do during and outside of sessions that will “fix” things. Attending sessions themselves is not a magic cure. Work has to be done during the meetings and applied between the appointments for change to occur.”
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Source:
- Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
