Dear Sangita: I was in a four-year relationship, and my partner cheated on me. I’ve been trying to move on and get over it. But now for the past month, he’s been coming in every single week to my place of work (I’m the manager at a restaurant) — with the person who he cheated on me with. It’s getting under my skin and makes work so unpleasant. What should I do? — Cursed by the cheater
Dear Cursed: This is a bizarre and awful scenario. If he cheated on you, you would think he would be embarrassed and wouldn’t want to be around you at all, let alone coming to your place of work. I assume that he knows your schedule, which means he’s deliberately coming in when you’re working — he’s trying to get under your skin.
He’s either so much of an a**hole that he’s actually going out of his way to taunt you at your place of work and potentially try to make you jealous with this new girlfriend, or there’s some unfinished business and he feels like he needs to see you or talk to you for some reason.
Either way, you have a few options: one is to suck it up and just go to work and deal with it, or you could find a way to communicate with him and ask him to stop. If someone did that to me and walked into the restaurant I worked in, I wouldn’t serve them. I’d get someone else to serve them. I wouldn’t want to give the power to him, and I would find ways of not being around him if he’s not someone who will listen to reason. You could change your shifts at work, or your last option is to find a new job entirely. It’s not fair that someone who has already done something so awful to you would have such an impact on your work life too, but you ultimately need to look after yourself and do what will bring you peace.
Dear Sangita: My mom is 85 and she still lives in the house we were born in. I really think it’s time she moved. There are a lot of stairs, and I’m worried for her safety. But I can’t convince her to move into a place that’s easier for her because this is our childhood home, and she’s very emotionally attached to it. I’ve done whatever I can to keep her as safe as possible, but I think now it’s time to move her out. What should I do? — Aging pains
Dear Aging pains: I recently had to get my parents to move out because my dad was not doing well, and there were stairs in the house. We moved them out and they live in a condo now. I learned from that experience that you have to be sensitive to what they’re feeling. Rather than telling your mom what to do, which is something a lot of adults are guilty of, you need to put the power in her hands. Ask her if she really feels like she’s safe there.
She’ll probably say yes at first, but go over all those scenarios, such as: “Is it hard for you to go up the stairs?” My parents eventually realized they couldn’t manage it.
Of course this will be difficult for your mother. This is the next chapter of her life and probably her last chapter. So take the journey with her: visit places with her, go through old keepsakes with her. You might be feeling rushed to do this now, out of fear and worry for your mom, but I would come at this situation from a place of empathy for how difficult this process will be for her.
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Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?
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Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
