My divorced parents are back in the sack, Canada Reviews

Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters. 

Dear Sangita:  My parents got divorced when I was 10, and I’ve made my peace with it. But I visited my mom’s house a few weeks ago, and my dad’s car was in the driveway. When I entered the house, they were both just sitting at the kitchen table — but looking weirdly disheveled. My dad said he came over because he needed help with something legal. Keep in mind the two of them basically never talk. It all made me think that they might be hooking up again — and it’s freaking me out! Should I confront them both? Or try to stay blissfully in the dark? — Reverse parent trap

Dear Reverse:  Stay blissfully in the dark! It sounds like the divorce was amicable for your parents. It wasn’t an awful relationship to begin with, and they’re having a little bit of fun. That’s actually none of your business! They’re just two adults that are enjoying themselves. You don’t know exactly what they’re doing — maybe it was a one-time thing. But either way, it’s really not for you to know. You’re just making assumptions right now. If anything did happen, and if it does move into a relationship, you can be sure they’ll talk to you about it. For now, you didn’t see anything. You don’t need to know.

I’m sure the divorce was difficult for you when you were a child, and you had to go through that process and heal from it. But at the end of the day, maybe it could be nice that your parents have found each other again. For now, though, just leave it to them!

Dear Sangita: I’ve been dating my partner for three years now, and it’s been great. At the start of the relationship, he mentioned some family friends in his life, and I didn’t think anything of it. Once we got more serious, he explained that they’re actually his ex, from five years ago, and her daughter (who isn’t his) — it appears he’s kept up a relationship with them all this time. He’s offered to babysit for her many times; he goes to her daughter’s birthday parties. When I met them for the first time, I could tell how comfortable he felt with both of them. I feel weird about it and worry it’s going to affect our relationship. Should I say something? — Blended family blues

Dear Blended: It sounds like he sees this little girl as his family, even though she’s not biologically his child. He was in a relationship with this woman, so he must have taken care of the child, and he loves her child — and that comes with the mom. I would be jealous, too, but this is where confidence comes in with your relationship with this man. You need to talk to his ex — you’re so fixated on his relationship with her, but it’s really about the daughter. There’s more of a bond between him and the child than with his ex, and he’s keeping his relationship with her intact because he’s attached to her daughter. I think if you have a real conversation with his ex, that will help you understand the relationship. It’s ultimately a really beautiful, wonderful thing that your boyfriend wants to keep this bond with this child. 

It’s rare for a man to want to do that — ultimately it’s not his child, and so he didn’t have to be in her life. You can’t say to your partner, “I don’t want you to be seeing this little girl anymore.” She brings him happiness, right? I would never take away someone who is loving from a child.

Dear Sangita: I met a guy on a dating app in December 2023 and we have been texting since then, but I still have not been able to go on a date with him. He lives in Toronto and goes to university in Ottawa so we weren’t able to meet during the school year, but when summer came around I tried to organize something and found it really hard. We never ended up seeing each other. A few times he’d say yes, we’d have everything booked and then the day before I’d ask him if he’s available and he’d have a detailed response as to why he can’t make it (e.g. a baby shower his mum just told him about or his cold came back after walking in the rain). Now he’s gone completely quiet and isn’t replying to my texts. Is it time to give up? I still really like him. We have absolutely amazing conversations through text that go on for days at a time and I have opened up to him about things like my dad having cancer and me having anxiety issues and he has been so nice about it all. He sends me pictures of his dog! Why is he so nice to me yet won’t go out with me? — Fearing the friend zone 

Dear Fearing: You’re penpals — he’s finding comfort with you, and you’re finding comfort with him, and it’s possible he doesn’t want to ruin that, because he has this outlet that is a friendship. Maybe one day he’ll want to take your relationship the next step forward, but if he’s making excuses, that’s a sign that he’s happy where the relationship is.

If you’re gaining a friend who you can talk to about serious things, that’s a good thing. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing — you have a pen pal, and you tried to take it further, but he doesn’t want to go there right now. That’s OK! Maybe he has a girlfriend, but I think ultimately he’s finding a lot of comfort in you, and that’s a beautiful thing.

I bet if you take the conversation back to a friendship kind of tone, he will respond. Put it casually: “I appreciate our conversation and the great friendship that we’ve created between us, and I’m always here for you.” I don’t think you need to give him an ultimatum.

Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to advice@postcity.com or submit it here.

More from Sangita:

Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it? 

Dear Sangita: ​​My friend is obsessed with her dog, and it’s getting to be too much. She invites us all to her dog’s birthday parties, and she often will turn down invites from us because she “needs” to stay with her dog. I’ve spent a lot of money on gifts for this dog and I’m tired of it. Am I being unfair?

Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?