Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters.
Dear Sangita: My sister is having an affair with a married man and it’s completely ruining our relationship. I’ll put it bluntly — I don’t approve of her lifestyle. I think it’s irresponsible and awful to interfere in another person’s family/relationship like this. She sees it as a fun fling and says I’m worrying too much about it and it’s not a big deal. I find it hard to be around her now because all I’m thinking about is her relationship choices. How do I manage this? I don’t like feeling distant from her but I just can’t approve of what she’s doing. — Sinning sister
Dear Sinning: You 100 per cent should feel comfortable stepping away from your sister — you don’t want to be involved with any of this. You absolutely can tell your sister that it’s bothering you and, essentially, say, “Live the life you want to live, but I don’t appreciate it, don’t approve of it and don’t think it’s the right thing to do” and then walk away. You’re siblings — when she gets through this phase, you’ll most likely come back together. Of course you don’t want to be distanced from your sister, but you do want to be distanced from what she’s doing. It’s OK to tell her, “I don’t want to be a part of all this. When you’re done with it, call me.”
Dear Sangita: I think my fiancé did something untrustworthy on his friend’s bachelor trip — and now I’m worried he’ll do the same on his own bachelor trip. He travelled to Montreal with his friends and told me that they ended up hitting it off with a group of girls. One girl’s name kept coming up, and when I pressed him on her, he got a little cagey and just said they were all hanging out as a group. I have this feeling that he did something he doesn’t want to tell me, not necessarily cheating, but not necessarily NOT cheating. He is otherwise so loving and loyal. Am I marrying a soon-to-be cheater? — Bachelor trip blues
Dear Blues: If you feel something did happen, there’s a good chance that something did. But bachelor parties are sometimes a bit of a grey area; not everyone knows what is or isn’t allowed. I remember my husband went on a golf trip for his, but if he had said they’re going to a strip club after, I don’t know how I would have reacted. Maybe I would have been comfortable with that, knowing it was just for the bachelor party. These kinds of events are just so hard to navigate.
In your case, he has his own bachelor trip coming up soon, so this can be a discussion you can have ahead of time — setting boundaries in terms of what you are both OK with (or not). As for this situation, I don’t think you need to worry that you’re marrying a cheater. If your fiancé has never given you a reason to doubt him until now, I think it’s OK to move on from this. You can use this situation as a basis for the conversation around setting some ground rules for his trip, but I don’t think you need to panic. He did, after all, willingly tell you about this woman — there may have been some behaviour you wouldn’t approve of, but that doesn’t mean cheating. Of course, if there have been red flags before, then that’s different. But if you know him, you love him and you trust him, this shouldn’t change that. Just have a frank discussion so it doesn’t happen again.
Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to advice@postcity.com or submit it here.
More from Sangita:
Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?
Dear Sangita: I’m engaged to a married man. He was supposed to have mailed in the paperwork before he proposed to me, but I found out after that some documents were missing when he did. Was I wrong for calling off the wedding?
Dear Sangita: My New Year’s resolution is to break up with my awful boyfriend and start dating his best friend! His best friend is just a much better fit for me. Neither of us have acted on it, but I want to. How do I do this without breaking up their friendship?
