Phrases like “your feelings are valid” and “that’s valid” have become more commonplace nowadays—especially in parenting. Rolling your eyes is easy—you never heard these phrases growing up and turned out fine…
…did you?
Actually, never feeling validated as a child can actually have long-term effects.
“Validation is foundational to developing self-worth and emotional resilience,” says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. “It also helps build healthy relationships. If a child’s feelings or needs are dismissed, ignored or invalidated, they may internalize these experiences. This leads to difficulties in how they view themselves and how they interact with others as adults.”
As a result, people who never felt validated as children often develop certain traits. Psychologists shared these telltale characteristics and tips for working through lingering issues from a childhood that lacked validation.
Related: People Who Didn’t Receive Positive Reinforcement as Children Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
11 Common Traits of Adults Who Never Felt Validated as Kids, According to Psychologists
1. Chronic self-doubt
Validation helps build self-confidence, so lacking it can have the opposite effect.
“In childhood, they were not validated, so they struggle to trust their own instincts as adults,” Dr. Schiff says. “They will second-guess themselves and not feel confident. This self-doubt can create indecision and anxiety while keeping them stuck both personally and professionally.”
For instance, Dr. Schiff says people may struggle with decisions, such as whether to take a new job (or press “send” on the application in the first place).
2. Imposter syndrome
The lack of self-confidence and all that second-guessing can also manifest as imposter syndrome.
“Someone who didn’t receive validation growing up may feel like a fraud, even when they achieve success,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. “They may believe they’ve ‘just gotten lucky’ or that they’re faking it since they never felt truly acknowledged for their worth or talents as children.”
3. Perfectionism
There’s healthy striving, and then there’s perfectionism. The latter is toxic, impossible and a common trait of people who were constantly invalidated as kids. Dr. Schiff says this perfectionism stems from a constant need for the external validation they grew up without. However, she says perfectionism creates significant pressure, anxiety and risks for burnout.
“They may overwork and avoid mistakes at all costs while feeling inadequate,” Dr. Schiff says.
4. Hyper-independence
There are times when a DIY approach to tasks is a positive. However, we weren’t meant to do this entire life thing alone.
“Having never experienced emotional support or affirmation, they may convince themselves that they don’t need anyone and that relying on others is a weakness,” Dr. Hafeez says. “While this can be a survival mechanism, it can also lead to isolation, burnout and difficulty accepting help when it’s genuinely needed.”
5. Emotional suppression
The “your-feelings-are-valid” types have a point—and are likely building long-term emotional health.
“If a child learns early on that expressing their emotions results in dismissal or punishment, emotional suppression becomes a coping mechanism,” says Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. “As adults, these individuals struggle to identify, process, and express their feelings. They may avoid vulnerability for fear of being judged or misunderstood.”
6. Lack of empathy
Empathy can help people build authentic relationships. However, it’s hard to develop this skill when you didn’t receive it as a child.
“Unfortunately, when people are not taught empathy in childhood but instead are invalidated, they often tend to lack empathy and compassion in adulthood and may have a difficult time knowing how to comfort,” says Dr. Lienna Wilson, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist.
Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
7. Poor self-esteem
This one goes along with self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
“Poor self-esteem…is more likely to happen if childhood invalidation takes a form of comparison,” Dr. Wilson says.
Dr. Wilson says comments like, “Why can’t you get good grades like your sibling?” or “Why can’t you practice as much as your friend?” can shape a person’s internal narrative about themselves.
“Inevitably, the child may grow up feeling that he is not good enough in sports or smart enough in school, and then it will transfer to a lack of confidence in the workplace,” she says.
8. Fear of rejection
Life requires putting yourself out there—whether you’re asking a cool colleague for coffee, a crush on a date or a friend working for your dream company about the new, open position that matches your skillset. However, people whose childhoods lacked validation may be afraid to take these steps.
“If a child is not validated, they may later overanalyze interactions and avoid any situations where they could potentially be rejected,” Dr. Saidi says. “They may avoid taking any risks in relationships, careers, or creative endeavors because the possibility of rejection would confirm their belief that they are not good enough.”
9. People-pleasing tendencies
In a never-ending quest for external approval, people who weren’t validated as kids often develop people-pleasing tendencies.
“They will be overly accommodating and avoid conflict so that they cannot be rejected,” Dr. Schiff says.
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10. Difficulty setting boundaries
People-pleasing tendencies can trigger challenges in setting and maintaining boundaries.
“Lack of validation can lead individuals to believe their needs don’t matter,” Dr. Saidi says. “As a result, they may say yes to commitments that they may dread or struggle to walk away from unhealthy relationships. The inability to advocate for themselves comes from the fear that setting boundaries can push people away.”
11. Difficulty forming deep relationships
These traits can have a ripple effect, affecting connections with others.
“If a child’s emotions or identity were disregarded, they may struggle to form close, trusting relationships in adulthood,” Dr. Hafeez says. “They might keep people at arm’s length, fearing vulnerability, or they may inadvertently choose partners or friends who also fail to offer emotional support. They may have trouble accepting love or support because they never learned to recognize or receive it as a child.”
Related: 11 Phrases To Use That Communicate ‘You’ve Hurt Me,’ According to Psychologists
How To Heal From a Childhood That Lacked Validation
1. Validate yourself
It starts from within—give yourself the validation you needed and deserved as a child.
“Affirm your own feelings, needs and desires,” Dr. Schiff says. “Replace negative self-talk with positive self-affirmations in order to build a stronger sense of self-worth. Journal your accomplishments and acknowledge them with pride and kindness.”
2. Surround yourself with supportive people
Prioritize spending time with people who genuinely care for you and build you up.
“If you have a difficult time finding positive qualities in yourself, these are the people who can help you by naming some of the good qualities that they admire in you,” Dr. Wilson says. “If you like how they support and treat you, then you can try to treat yourself in a similar way.”
3. Seek therapy
One of those supportive people can be a licensed mental health provider.
“Therapy can provide a safe space to explore unresolved childhood trauma,” Dr. Saidi says. “Working with a therapist to explore and process childhood experiences can help you better understand how they may be negatively impacting your life now. Techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help reframe negative core beliefs formed in childhood and replace them with healthier, more empowering thoughts.”
Up Next:
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources:
- Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
- Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind
- Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
- Dr. Lienna Wilson, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist
