Getting an “I’m sorry” from a parent may feel unheard of. In some families, parents take on the role of the “all-seeing and all-knowing” adult. While some may view this role as necessary to provide sturdy leadership, psychologists share it’s actually harmful. Apologies are a gift from parents to young children.
“Hearing ‘I’m sorry’ from a parent teaches a child that mistakes are a normal part of life and that relationships can be repaired,” says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “When parents apologize, they model accountability, safety and respect…A simple apology from a parent can validate a child’s experience, help them feel seen and reinforce that love isn’t conditional on perfection.”
Yet, adults who never heard “I’m sorry” may grow up to develop some complex traits. Here, Dr. Lira de la Rosa and two other psychologists share 10 common characteristics of people whose parents never apologized to them as children.
Related: 10 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say
10 Common Traits in Adults Who Never Heard ‘I’m Sorry’ From Their Parents as Kids, According to Psychologists
1. Difficulty accepting apologies from others
Some people “can’t take compliments.” However, if your parents rarely (if ever) apologized to you as a child, you may struggle to take an “I’m sorry” seriously.
“If you haven’t ever received an apology from the most important people in your life, you will struggle to understand this is a healthy behavior and therefore struggle to accept it in adult relationships,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “We gravitate toward what we are used to, not what is healthy, even when we want to grow. In these instances, an apology may even feel threatening or insincere because you won’t know how to receive it.”
Related: People Who Received Very Little Affection in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Trust issues
Trust is a pillar of healthy relationships, but not hearing “I’m sorry” can make it a challenge.
“When a parent never takes accountability, a child may learn that people can hurt them without making amends,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “As an adult, they might hesitate to rely on others or expect that conflicts will never truly be resolved.”
3. Trouble admitting fault
This one likely comes as no surprise, given that your first teacher was “without fault.”
“I always tell my clients, ‘It’s hard to speak a language we’ve never heard,'” Dr. McGeehan reveals. “It doesn’t make sense that we would be able to engage in a behavior we have never seen, and saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the primary way we model accountability and admit our human faults.”
Related: People Who Weren’t Told ‘I Love You’ in Childhood Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults
4. Perfectionism
Another pitfall of growing up with parents who acted like they were perfect? You may now be on the spinning hamster wheel of attempting to achieve perfectionism.
“If a child never saw a parent admit fault, they might believe mistakes are unacceptable,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “This can lead to self-criticism, fear of failure and intense pressure to get everything right, even at the cost of their own well-being.”
5. Low sense of self
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, commonly sees patients who never heard “I’m sorry” growing up exhibit a sense of self that is so low that they do not think they’re worthy of respect.
“If a person has not experienced an apology, they may come to [think]…that it is OK to be treated any way by others,” Dr. Smith explains. “Being apologized to helps us develop a sense that we are worth people acknowledging their impact and errors. If this is absent from our upbringing, it can influence how we see ourselves and how we allow ourselves to be treated.”
6. Over-apologizing
Perhaps surprisingly, you may overcompensate for your upbringing by falling over yourself to tell others the words you desperately needed to hear growing up.
“They may have learned that keeping the peace means taking responsibility for everything, even things outside their control,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
7. People-pleasing
This one is another trait aimed at “keeping the peace,” often to your detriment.
“Sometimes, when a person has not seen ‘I am sorry’ modeled or taught, they become overly compliant and want to avoid any sort of tension,” Dr. Smith says. “In an effort to appease and keep peace, the person will become overly accommodating and people-pleasing.”
8. Conflict struggles
As you can likely tell from Nos. 6 and 7, people who grew up without hearing “I’m sorry”—which is often part of a repair—can struggle with conflict. Dr. Lira de la Rosa says it usually takes one or two extremes, and a person either avoids conflict or turns up the heat too high.
“Some people grow up to avoid conflict altogether and assume disagreements will never be resolved in a healthy way,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “Others might go in the opposite direction and escalate conflicts quickly because they never learned that calm, productive resolution is possible.”
Related: People Who Didn’t Receive Positive Reinforcement as Children Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
9. Emotional disconnect
After going so long without hearing “I’m sorry” from the most important person or people in your life, it’s understandable if you feel chronically emotionally disconnected.
“Apologies are part of emotional intimacy,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares. “Without them, some people grow up feeling distant in relationships or struggle to express their own needs. They may assume that talking about feelings won’t lead to understanding or change, so they keep everything bottled up.”
10. Hyper-independence
The emotional disconnect may have a ripple effect that sees you taking an entirely DIY approach to life, even though humans are social beings.
“If someone struggles to regulate and express their emotions, they are going to struggle to identify what they need,” Dr. McGeehan says. “Our body and intuitive connection to self is what communicates to us what we need. If we are shut down from this, we will have no idea…what we need and…how to ask for help.”
She says people can become hyper-independent when they don’t believe they have needs.
Related: 9 Common Signs of ‘Betrayal Trauma,’ According to Psychologists
3 Things Ways To Learn About Apologies as an Adult
1. Find a healthy role model for emotional presence
Dr. McGeehan says that finding a healthy role model for emotional expression and vulnerability is the “quickest way” to heal the trauma you experienced growing up in a home that didn’t involve parents apologizing.
“For example, a leader who admits mistakes and shows genuine remorse when necessary can create an environment where vulnerability is seen as strength, not weakness,” Dr. McGeehan explains.
From this role model, she says younger-you will learn it’s safe to express emotions and vulnerability, which matters as you learn it’s OK to apologize.
Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively
2. Sometimes, apologies aren’t needed
If you’re an over-apologizer, you’ll want to learn when to say “I’m sorry” and when it’s unnecessary.
“Some people over-apologize, and that takes away the power of an apology,” Dr. Smith reports. “Apologizing for any and everything is too much. Being attuned to when we do something that warrants an apology is healthy and appropriate.”
For instance, apologizing to someone who lets you know that interrupting them mid-sentence in a meeting was hurtful is warranted. Apologizing to a client for not being available at 3 a.m. when your contract explicitly states you’re available from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. is unnecessary.
3. There’s a ‘good’ way to apologize
Spoiler alert: Dr. Smith says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” is not it.
“A better approach is, ‘I’m sorry that my actions had a negative impact on you,'” she explains.
Also, while words matter, actions do, in fact, speak loudly.
“The saying, ‘The best apology is changed behavior,’ is there for a reason,” Dr. Smith says. “Apologizing for something and then doing the same thing again is not meaningful.”
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Sources:
- Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
- Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
