Have you ever wondered how the lack of affection you experienced as a child may continue to shape the way you navigate relationships today? It’s a sobering thought, but the absence of those small, tender gestures—whether it was a hug, kind words or the attention you needed—left behind scars that are invisible to the eye and never really fade away. Instead, they linger long after the years have passed. Because of that, they quietly shape how you experience love—and even self-worth—as an adult.
As you get older, it’s natural to think you’ve moved beyond the hardships of your past and to assume that with time and maturity, those childhood wounds have healed, leaving you free from their grip. However, the truth is, the absence of tenderness during those formative years doesn’t ever go away for good. It can follow you into adulthood, manifesting in subtle ways that you may not even recognize at first.
That’s why understanding their connection to who you are today is the key to breaking free from their patterns that may still define you. To learn more about the traits people can develop who receive very little attentiveness and warmth as children, we spoke to psychologists Thea Gallagher and Caitlin Slavens. Together, they reveal everything from how not experiencing a lot of affection as a child can shape people’s behaviors, the characteristics they can develop, as well as strategies and tools to help adults work through that pain and begin the healing process.
Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
14 Common Traits of People Who Received Little Affection as Children, According to Psychologists
1. They Have Overachiever Tendencies
“People who have experienced this may become ‘doers,’ and constantly strive to prove their worth through accomplishments,” Slavens notes. “It’s a way for them to seek the validation they missed out on as kids.”
Related: People Who Grew Up With Emotionally Immature Parents Often Have These 12 Traits as Adults, According to Psychologists
2. They Are People-Pleasers
“To feel valued, they might prioritize others’ needs above their own, even when it costs them their own comfort or well-being,” Slavens explains.
Gallagher adds, “They may also do this to gain the affection they missed out on and go out of their way to please others.”
3. They Are Self-Critical
“A person who didn’t experience much affection during their childhood may often be very hard on themselves as an adult, with a negative inner voice that says, ‘I’m not enough,’ or, ‘I need to be better,’ because they grew up without affirming voices,” Slavens reveals.
4. They Have Difficulty Regulating Emotions
“Without early emotional support, they may struggle to manage their feelings when they are older,” Gallagher says. “This can lead to them having mood swings or emotional outbursts.”
5. They Are Chronically Lonely
“Despite being surrounded by people, someone who grew up with little affection may feel a persistent sense of loneliness and isolation as an adult,” Gallagher affirms.
Related: 6 Behaviors That Signal a Person’s Lonely, According to Psychologists
6. They Have an Impaired Sense of Self
“As an adult, they might have a weak or confused sense of identity,” Gallagher stresses. “They will also feel unsure of who they are or what they want in life.”
7. They Don’t Know How To Identify Their Needs
“Because their own needs weren’t acknowledged as children, when they grow up and become adults, they may not fully understand or prioritize their personal needs and boundaries,” Slavens states.
8. They Have Difficulty Receiving Affection
“Even as adults, they might struggle to accept affection, compliments, or acts of kindness, and feel uncomfortable,” Slavens points out.
Related: 14 Phrases That Make You Sound ‘Instantly Uptight,’ According to Etiquette Experts
9. They Have Fear of Abandonment
“They can have an intense fear of being left alone by someone they are close to, which can cause them to cling to relationships or push people away to avoid potentially getting hurt,” Gallagher says.
10. They Have Difficulty Trusting Others
“Trust issues are common, as they may have learned early on that people are unreliable or untrustworthy,” Gallagher explains.
Slavens agrees, adding, “Without early experiences of consistent affection, trusting that people will be there can feel foreign or even unsafe to them.”
11. They Are Hyper-Independent
“Some people cope with their lack of affection as a child by convincing themselves they don’t need anyone’s help at all,” Slavens shares with Parade. “This results in them leading to a self-reliant, but often lonely, lifestyle.”
12. They Have Low Self-Worth
“A lack of affection can lead to feelings of worthlessness and a persistent inner critic that undermines their confidence,” Gallagher reveals.
Slavens adds, “Their belief that they’re not worthy of love or attention, can result in them settling in relationships or accepting less than they deserve.”
13. They Have a Fear of Vulnerability
“Being open about feelings can feel scary for people who weren’t given much affection growing up, as they weren’t used to their feelings being validated,” Slavens mentions. “Due to this, they can keep their emotions tightly locked away.”
14. They’re Afraid of Rejection
“People who have experienced this may shy away from new relationships out of fear that they won’t be valued or wanted,” Slavens tells Parade.
🩺 SIGN UP for tips to stay healthy & fit with the top moves, clean eats, health trends & more delivered right to your inbox twice a week 💊
How To Work on Yourself if You Received Little Affection in Childhood
Though there is not one solution that will help everyone, there are a few things our experts suggest trying out.
Practice Self-Love
“You have to work hard to like yourself and while that can be difficult to do, you need to practice,” Gallagher tells Parade. “You can start by talking to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend or your child.”
Slavens adds that besides speaking to yourself kindly, you can also work on giving yourself a break in tough situations.
“You should try to be gentle and kind to yourself when you make mistakes or feel insecure,” she advises. “You can also treat yourself to something comforting and remind yourself that it’s okay to get help.”
Stop the Cycle
“Giving affection to yourself or others might feel really awkward since you aren’t used to it, however, it will feel more natural eventually,” Gallagher says. “Take some time to explore your triggers and patterns and then you can work to break the cycle.”
Learn To Identify and Name Your Emotions
“Many adults who didn’t get much affection struggle with recognizing their own feelings,” Slavens points out. “That’s why practice checking in with yourself daily and naming what you’re experiencing to get in touch with emotions you are experiencing is important.”
Celebrate Small Wins
“Set small goals and celebrate each win, whether it’s taking five minutes for self-care or sharing something that is bothering you. These small moments reinforce your worth and build self-esteem,” Slavens suggests.
Related: People Whose Parents Weren’t Affectionate With Each Other in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4 Tips For Healing
From getting professional help to finding other ways to deal with the hurt you’ve been bottling up, our experts say there are several things you can do that can help you heal. It may even surprise you, how simple some of them are.
1. Reparent Yourself
“Treat yourself with the kind of care and gentleness you needed back when you were a child,” Slavens says. “This might mean setting boundaries, creating a comforting routine, or giving yourself the positive affirmations your inner child deserves.”
2. Write a Letter
“Write a letter to those who neglected you,” Gallagher advises. “You don’t have to send it to them, but it can be healing for you to write it down.”
3. Seek Support
“Whether through therapy, support groups or trusted friends, processing these emotions in a safe space can help release them,” Slavens points out. “It can especially help if you can talk with someone who understands the unique type of hurt you have experienced.”
4. Journal
“Write down the things you wished someone had said to you as a child,” Gallagher suggests. “Once you do that, then say them out loud to yourself.”
Up Next:
Related: People Who Were ‘Constantly Excluded’ in Childhood Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources
- Thea Gallagher, psychologist
- Caitlin Slavens, psychologist
