People with a take-charge, go-getter attitude can inspire others and “rally the troops.” However, as with many traits, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. If someone has a desire to have complete agency over every or most situations, psychologists say they may have “control issues.”
“Control issues are when someone has to be in charge and struggles immensely when they are not in charge, often inserting themselves even if someone else has been identified as in charge and is capable to do so,” says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
However, spotting controlling strategies can be challenging, primarily because these individuals are so determined to get their way that they become sneaky and manipulative. Identifying signs that a person has control issues is crucial for protecting your peace. Psychologists tell Parade11 commonly overlooked tactics people with control issues use and how to reclaim agency over your life.
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11 Subtle Tactics People With ‘Control Issues’ Use, According to Psychologists
1. They act like helpers
One of the trickiest aspects of dealing with someone who has control issues is that they often masquerade as team players.
“They seem really helpful,” Dr. Smith says. “The person may frequently volunteer to take things off of others’ plates or be in charge of ‘helping the team.'”
However, Dr. Smith warns that it’s often a strategy to ensure they have total say in what happens.
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2. They have trouble delegating
When a controlling person is the lead on a project, they may struggle to tap other teammates for assistance.
“Someone with control issues likes being in charge and may have a preference to do projects solo,” Dr. Smith reveals. “If something is to be done within a team, the person with control issues may have difficulty delegating if in a leadership position.”
She says people with control issues who are “team members” may also struggle with sharing the load (and floor).
“If they’re in an equal team position, they may have difficulty creating sufficient space for others to have a valuable, contributing role,” she notes.
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3. They’re rigid to the point of perfectionism
Individuals who strive for total agency over a situation often also aim to become the first person to achieve total perfection throughout their entire lives.
“For someone with control issues, there is a ‘right’ way to do everything, which means rigidity is high,” Dr. Smith reports. “This is fertile territory for perfectionism to rear its head.”
4. They take ‘detail-oriented’ to an extreme
As with rigidity—which can equate to structure in healthy doses—people with control problems can take “detail-oriented” behaviors so far that they become a toxic trait. One psychologist says they may require you to share every little detail before agreeing to anything.
“Asking for more information before saying ‘yes’ is reasonable,” points outDr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele. “However, a person with control issues needs details beyond reason. You will likely regret approaching them for help in the first place.”
5. They give unsolicited advice
This one is related to the desire to appear helpful in an attempt to sway you their way.
“For example, someone might say, ‘If I were you, I would…’ if they are trying to disagree with someone’s decision to suggest something different,” warns Dr. Aerial Cetnar, Ph.D., a licensed therapist, clinical psychologist and founder of Boulder Therapy & Wellness. “It is a way of trying to influence someone’s decision without explicitly telling them what to do.”
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6. They project
Dr. Leno says controlling individuals have a way of acting as if their feelings are yours.
“They might say that something bothers you when it really bothers them,” she says.
For instance, she warns that “I know you don’t really like spicy food” may be code for “I don’t like spicy food, and I don’t want to go to the restaurant that you picked.”
“Oddly enough, the person subjected to this control tactic eventually realizes what’s happening and feels annoyed,” she points out.
However, at first, it can throw you for a loop and make you question yourself.
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7. They’re scorekeepers
We’re not talking about volunteers who keep the scorebook or run the board at a youth basketball game. This type of scorekeeper can be annoying and toxic.
“One tactic used by people with control issues is ‘keeping score’ in a relationship, which might include referencing who did what last and who owes the other person something,” Dr. Cetnar says. “This can… cause the other person to behave as a result of guilt.”
It can also result in transactional relationships.
“People who are controlling… do not give generously,” saysDr. Catherine Hormats, Psychoanalyst LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist and media advisor for Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “They give from lack or from scarcity, from wanting you to do something that they need in order to feel empowered or safe.”
She says a big red-flag phrase a person uses to control a situation (or you) is, “I did XYZ for you; the least you could do is ABC for me.”
8. They enact deadlines
Dr. Cetnar says that people who are controlling often use urgency and pressure to get their way even in situations that don’t need such tight deadlines.
“This can cause pressure for someone to make a decision or agree with that person and neglect any time to really reflect or think about their own preferences,” she warns.
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9. They engage in economic/financial abuse
This one is harrowing, and it’s challenging to identify before it’s too late.
“Money, power and control are the perfect trifecta,” Dr. Hormats says. “Money creates a sense of safety. Our livelihoods depend on it. Controlling people may withdraw or threaten to withhold money as a way to get the other person to submit to their demands.”
You may think the person is being pragmatic financially, and you’re being “too extra” with spending, until you realize that they’re trying to prevent you from meeting your needs and valid, in-budget wants.
10. They isolate you
This strategy is also painful, but it may initially seem like the person really wants to spend alone time with you or protect you. But then it gets out of hand.
“Controlling people may find ways to cut you off from friends and family,” Dr. Hormats says. “Sometimes, you are not aware that this is even happening. They may criticize people in your life, judge your relationships and threaten to leave you if you don’t take distance from the people in your life.”
11. They give you the silent treatment
The silent treatment can throw you for a loop, especially if it’s been decades since you last experienced it as a young child on a playground.
“No one likes the silent treatment, and a person employing it does so to gain compliance,” Dr. Leno says. “They say nothing is wrong when in fact they are boiling internally. Their goal is to get you to recognize the error of your ways by making you uncomfortable. They hope to condition you to behave a certain way.”
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3 Tips for Handling People With Control Issues
1. Assert yourself
Many of us have miles-long to-do lists, and offers of help are welcome. However, you’re allowed to choose what you let go of.
“If someone is always offering to ‘take something off your plate’ that you do not actually want off your plate, do not accept the offer,” Dr. Smith says. “Be assertive and set a boundary that you will be the one to do the thing, whatever the thing is.”
2. Affirm yourself
Sometimes, it’s actually them, not you.
“If you have proven yourself to be capable, then remind yourself that this person wanting control is about their stuff, not about you,” Dr. Smith says.
Of course, self-awareness and reflection are important here.
“If you consistently have fallen short of doing what needs to be done, then consider collaborating with the person identified as having ‘control issues’ to see how you can grow,” she says. “If the person with control issues is too intense to learn from, then collaborate with someone else to improve your capabilities.”
3. Walk away
Sometimes, the best way to deal with someone with control issues is to go no-contact or low-contact. It’s not easy, but Dr. Hormats says there are times when it’s necessary.
“One of the most difficult things to do is to walk away from someone we love,” she explains. “Yet, when we are enmeshed in a controlling, neglectful or abusive relationship, sometimes it’s the only thing we can do. In fact, sometimes it’s what we must do.”
She likes to use the acronym NO, which stands for “New Opportunity.”
“You are worthy of being loved just as you are,” she reminds people. “You are worthy of having your needs met, and you are worthy of someone who does not need to control you in order for you to feel loved.”
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Sources:
- Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
- Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele
- Dr. Aerial Cetnar, Ph.D., a licensed therapist, clinical psychologist and founder of Boulder Therapy & Wellness
- Dr. Catherine Hormats, Psychoanalyst LP, MA, GPCC, a psychologist and media advisor for Hope for Depression Research Foundation
