These Are 9 Surprising Signs of an 'Alpha Female,' a Relationship Expert Says

We often hear the word “alpha” used to describe the pecking order in wolf packs or a man who likes to be in charge. However, “alpha females” are everywhere—and we’re all better for it.

“An alpha female epitomizes poise, confidence, leadership, strategy and independence,” says Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT, C-DBT, a relationship expert and the practice director at Personal Life Wellness Marriage and Family Therapy. “Alpha females garner attention when they walk into a room, are ambitious and capable and bring that same energy into their relationships.”

Yet, alpha females can be misunderstood in part because of gender stereotypes that should’ve been left in previous centuries. Ditching these misnomers once and for all, and learning the true meaning behind this term, can help us elevate our relationships with these assertive, strong women.

You can’t appreciate what you don’t know. Here, Williams-Abaku discusses subtle signs you or someone in your life is an alpha female, the definition she uses for this type of mentally-tough leader and how to get the most out of a relationship with these human gems.

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“Alpha Female” Meaning

“Understanding what an alpha female is can help strengthen relationships and reduce misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations that may cause friction,” Williams-Abaku says. “Alpha females are intelligent, confident, goal-oriented, ambitious and assertive, which can be a considerable asset in a relationship with a partner who values, reflects and appreciates these qualities.”

The official definition from Cambridge English Dictionary corresponds with this, saying this is “a strong, successful woman who likes to be in charge of others.”

9 Subtle Signs of an Alpha Female, According to a Relationship Expert

1. She’s secure and decisive in decision-making

Alpha females may need time to think about something, but don’t expect too long of a lag time between “maybe” and a firm “yes” or “no.”

“She can play the tape ahead and consider how current decisions will impact her future,” Williams-Abaku says. “She can also weigh the pros and cons, increasing her ability to make difficult decisions without prolonged hesitation.”

2. Her standards are high

“Never settle” isn’t just an Instagram caption for alpha females. Williams-Abaku says they have high expectations for themselves and those around them. 

“It is against her nature as an alpha female to settle in any area of life, including romantic relationships,” she explains. “She constantly seeks ways to strengthen and improve her relationships and take them to the next level.”

3. She’s fiercely independent 

Throw your hands up, baby.

“An alpha female values her ‘me time’ and doesn’t need to be glued to her partner,”  Williams-Abaku says. “She has her own hobbies, projects and interests and is more attracted to partners who have their own lives and can maintain their identities.”

Miss Self-Sufficient, indeed.

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4. She doesn’t run from problems

Alpha females are many things. Conflict-avoidant is not one of them, which can rub some people the wrong way.

“If something bothers her, she’ll address it head-on,” Williams-Abaku says. “At times, her directness can be mistaken for harshness or criticism. Her desire to solve the issue and get straight to the point lends to conversations that can feel highly rational rather than emotional.”

5. She’s a go-getter

Alpha females are highly ambitious.

“Her goal-oriented and driven nature inspires her partner and those around her to pursue their goals and think outside the box,” Williams-Abaku says. “It can feel like her priorities sometimes leave less room for the relationship.”

However, Williams-Abaku says that’s another misnomer worth clearing up—an alpha female’s drive for success can be a big win for partners.

“Her desire for relationship success can lead her to openness to prioritize the relationship while giving adequate space for her goals,” she adds.

6. She’s protective

Alpha females are self-driven, not self-centered.

“You’ll notice she’s always looking out for the people she cares about, which can sometimes come off as controlling,” Williams-Abaku says.

However, it comes from a well-meaning place.

“She’s also supportive, loves to see her loved ones win and seeks ways to assist others in achieving their own success,” Williams-Abaku continues. 

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7. She’s self-aware and reflective

Alpha females have high emotional IQs.

“She fears holding herself back or making inadequate decisions, which leads to her becoming hyperfocused on considering her emotions, motivations and actions,” Williams-Abaku says. “This makes her emotionally intelligent but can lead to overthinking and overcritical behavior.”

Yet, even with the overthinking, alpha females will generally come to a quick, decisive decision—they’re multi-faceted rare breeds, indeed. 

8. She can be very hard on herself

Alpha females are their usually their own biggest critics and can struggle to manage disappointment.

“She has a cognitive map of what she wants her life to look like and has difficulty when things don’t go her way,” Williams-Abaku says. “It is hard for her to decipher what is within and outside her control at times, as she expects to make the impossible happen.”

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9. She frequently feels mentally drained or burned out

Alpha females often put a ton on their plates, and the wheels in their heads are typically spinning. It can get exhausting.

“She is a leader who does not always want to have to lead,” Williams-Abaku says. “She craves a space where she can exist and not have to be on or perform without things falling by the wayside or completely falling apart.” 

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How To Win at Relationships With Alpha Females

1. Embrace their power

Alpha females have a perpetual growth mindset, and Williams-Abaku says it’s best to embrace it.

“Respect her drive, independence and desire to avoid complacency,” she explains. “Alpha females do not like to feel as if they are being controlled and thrive on having autonomy. They need to balance being present with others and being present for themselves.”

2. Become a team 

When they run something by you, avoid defaulting to fix-it mode.

“Alpha females are frequently strategists who may need to brainstorm and review strategies but may not always be looking for a solution,” Williams-Abaku says. “Also, recognize opportunities to work and grow as a team. A relationship with an alpha female allows you to be a power couple if you align your values, goals and desires.” 

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3. Step into your power

Alpha females are confident, but that doesn’t mean you have to buckle. In fact, Williams-Abaku says that alpha females love partners who love themselves.

“She values relationships with people who take initiative and are able to handle things without her,” Williams-Abaku stresses. “Stand tall in your strengths, and don’t be afraid to bring your opinions or ideas to the table.”

While many alpha females love literal hand-holding on walks, hand-holding in the figurative sense can lead to the burnout they are already prone to experiencing.

“She values a partner who can lead family or household projects and make decisions without involving her in every step, creating a dynamic where she can escape from constantly fixing, planning, leading and achieving, which she’ll appreciate,” Williams-Abaku says.

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4. Communicate openly and directly

Don’t be afraid to speak up—honestly.

“The conversations that hurt us the most are the ones we don’t allow ourselves to have,” Williams-Abaku says. “Alpha females value honesty and won’t shy away from tough conversations.”

Williams-Abaku recommends addressing concerns rather than letting them fester until you reach a breaking point.

“Use I-statements to help you engage in clear discussions that do not feel like an attack and stick to the point,” Williams-Abaku says. “Alpha females avoid conversations with long-winded people.”

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Source:

• Sejginha Williams-Abaku, LMFT, C-DBT, a relationship expert and the practice director at Personal Life Wellness Marriage and Family Therapy