A 2019 Canadian Health Survey on Children and Youth found 71 per cent of youth aged 12 to 17 reported experiencing bullying in the past 12 months.skynesher/iStockPhoto / Getty Images
One of the most heart-wrenching experiences for a parent is watching their child endure social isolation. I often hear stories of children who feel lonely and disconnected, and for many parents, this evokes painful memories of their own childhoods marked by bullying or exclusion. That sense of not belonging can, in many ways, be considered a form of trauma. On occasions like Valentine’s Day, similar to social media, the need for validation and belonging is especially poignant. The number of valentines received can feel just like the number of likes or shares on a social media post – an unsettling measure of worth and popularity.
When children feel isolated, I often try to understand the root cause. Is this a case of intentional cruelty from others? Is the child different in a way that unintentionally attracts negative attention? Or could the issue lie in the child’s social skills? Perhaps they struggle to grasp the social dynamics within their peer group, making it harder to form friendships.
If the issue stems from bullying, the responsibility lies with the bullies and the adults who fail to foster a respectful and inclusive environment. After all, bullying has well-documented psychological effects, including depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, as highlighted by a 2021 Frontiers Psychology article. Unfortunately, research also shows that childhood bullying is alarmingly common. A 2019 Canadian Health Survey on Children and Youth found 71 per cent of youth aged 12 to 17 reported experiencing bullying in the past 12 months.
Adults hold significant power to make a difference by emphasizing the importance of small acts of kindness. Encouraging discussions about how simple gestures – such as inviting an isolated child to join a lunch table or a recess activity – can have a profound impact. Creating opportunities for children to collaborate, work or play together fosters inclusion and creativity in meaningful ways. For instance, one inspiring example involved a teacher assigning the role of “classroom documentary filmmaker” to a shy, isolated child. This task allowed the child to take photos and videos of their peers, creating slideshows to highlight the week’s best moments. The role gave the child a reason to approach others, leading to natural interactions that gradually developed into friendships. By the end of the school year, that child was no longer lonely and had formed a vibrant group of friends.
If the challenge arises from a lack of social skills, key adults in a child’s life must step in and support their social development. When I work with a child on “friendship skills,” I emphasize that to have friends, one must first be a good friend. This approach empowers children by giving them a sense of control and agency, helping them develop self-awareness and insight. Instead of merely practising isolated social behaviours, they reflect on personal values, the meaning of friendship, and human relationships.
Once this foundation is established, fostering social skills can be more effective. Adults can focus on teaching basic kid etiquette – skills such as sharing, not being bossy, taking turns, avoiding tattling and refraining from name-calling. It’s also important to weave in values such as taking responsibility for one’s mistakes, offering forgiveness and considering situations from another person’s point of view.
Another vital lesson is about managing gossip. I teach children to think of mean-spirited gossip as a chain of falling dominos. When they hear something unkind, they can stop the chain by refusing to pass it along – breaking the domino line so negativity doesn’t continue. This principle extends to online behaviour for adolescents and teens. I advise them to avoid liking or sharing content that has been posted without permission or that is meant to humiliate someone. True integrity lies in doing the right thing, even when it’s difficult and no one is watching. Choosing respect and empathy in all interactions, both in person and online, is key.
Ultimately, addressing social isolation and bullying requires more than surface solutions. It requires nurturing empathy and strong values. Intervention is key and adults play a vital role in fostering inclusive, kind environments. Small acts of kindness build confidence, friendships and compassionate leaders who spread positivity. Valentine’s Day reminds us that such gestures create meaningful change, helping children build a more connected, caring world.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She is also practising registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta and Northwest Territories. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.
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If you have questions about navigating the complexities of youth emotional and mental well-being, we want to hear from you. Are you trying to figure out the best way to support kids’ mental health? Grappling with special education needs? Helping your adult children make school or work transitions? Submit your questions, comments or concerns for Dr. Roberts to consider addressing in future columns. This does not replace professional medical advice.
