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If you were to look through the boxes in Duncan and Barbara Stewart’s basement, you’d find thousands of greeting cards filled with handwritten messages. The Toronto couple, who began their relationship in 2004, have written cards for each other on every date-night since.
Each time they go to a restaurant, they sit at separate tables and write out what the other person means to them before joining together, opening the cards and reading them aloud.
“Each card almost always follows the same format: Here’s what’s going on in our life, here’s what I value about you, here are things you’ve done lately that are special to me, here’s how I feel about you,” Duncan said. “You’d think you’d get tired of saying it 50-plus times a year, but you don’t.”
By keeping up with this tradition, the Stewarts are doing what many experts say is key to a happy relationship: maintaining a ritual.
“Relationship rituals are the small routine actions that happen between a couple, either intentional or naturally, that signal to your partner that ‘you matter to me,’” said Stephanie Boucher, a registered psychotherapist and founder of the Mindful Loft in Ottawa. “They do not need to be grand gestures or even romantic, but their consistency is what makes them valuable.”
Research suggests that couples with these rituals report more positive emotions, such as gratitude and closeness, and greater relationship satisfaction and commitment than those without them.
Emotional security
Relationship rituals can help couples create emotional safety, Boucher said.
For Guy Milner and Roger Helfrick, who have been together for 30 years, that sense of security is one of the things they appreciate most about their ritual.
Every few days, the Edmonton couple will sit in their living room and Helfrick will read aloud to Milner. This started early on in the COVID-19 pandemic, when the two were stuck at home with not much to do. They found it connected them far more than sitting next to each other and reading separately.
Though they don’t always share the same taste in literature (Helfrick enjoys magical realism, while Milner prefers non-fiction), Helfrick makes an effort to find books that Milner will like. Usually, they read non-fiction books about how to live a more meaningful life.
“It helps to foster conversation about what we’ve been reading,” Helfrick said. “We will tend to compartmentalize and live in our own little worlds, so it brings an opportunity for us to discuss.”
Milner said he particularly appreciates that their ritual is a predictable, safe invitation to sit down together and enjoy something uplifting and positive.
This, Boucher said, is precisely the point.
“Predictable moments of connection help give routine confirmation of the union between two people without having to think about it,” she said. “Your nervous system notices all these little rituals you develop with your partner and signals to your mind that your relationship is secure and safe.”
Making time for the relationship
Couples may naturally develop small rituals early on in a relationship, but the busyness of everyday life, especially when you have young children, can get in the way, Boucher said.
For Alexandra Hill and Christopher Langford, the impending birth of their third child in 2022 left them struggling to make time for each other. Between work, social commitments and kids’ activities – and the earlier bedtime such a busy life required – their regular evening date nights felt rushed and tired.
They started doing “date days” instead, taking a day off work every month or two to explore Toronto, go for brunch, see a matinee show or go to the spa.
“Having this time together, when we feel rested and at our best, allows us to go deep in conversations that we normally don’t have the time for,” Hill said. “It’s also given us a chance to tap back into some of our shared interests that were the foundation of our relationship before kids, like our love for live theatre and music.”
The importance of intention
While relationship rituals can be romantic and sentimental, Boucher said they can also be as simple as having coffee together every morning, watching a show at night or having a meaningful way of saying goodbye whenever one of you leaves the house.
What matters isn’t the size of the gesture – it’s the thought behind it.
“A factor that often makes these rituals slip between the cracks is overlooking or underestimating just how impactful they are,” Boucher said. “They need to be maintained intentionally.”
Research suggests that both members of the couple must see a practice as having symbolic meaning, rather than simply being a routine, to experience the benefits. Ultimately, it’s about finding something that connects you to your partner and helps you both feel appreciated, valued and loved.
In the case of the Stewarts, giving and receiving cards not only provides the couple with a ritual they can both cherish, it’s also an opportunity to reflect on what they love about each other and express it on a regular basis.
As Duncan put it, it’s about treating your partner like you would a cat: “The cat doesn’t want one big gesture every year, it wants ear rubs every eight minutes, and humans are the same,” he said. “We respond really well to small, repeated acts of kindness and gratitude.”
