Illustration by Photo illustration by The Globe and Mail. Source: istock
Ask a Child Psychologist is a new series of columns offering insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well-being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
Separation and divorce are among the hardest transitions a family can face, often bringing confusion and emotional pain, especially for kids.
In my practice as a child psychologist, I have seen how the impact of parental divorce on children can vary widely. Factors such as age, temperament, the level of parental conflict and the quality of parenting after separation, all play a role.
Research shows that individuals affected by parental divorce have a higher risk of developing a variety of mental health conditions – but also that these impacts have lessened over time. This suggests that many parents today are better equipped to support their children through the process, and that children can adapt and thrive with the right supports.
One of the strongest predictors of emotional distress is the level of parental conflict – especially if it continues during or after the separation. Children do better when there is stability in their routines and when both parents remain warm, responsive and involved. Positive co-parenting and access to a strong support network can make a meaningful difference in how children cope.
If you are going through a separation or divorce, here are seven strategies for supporting your children during this time of change.
1. Be honest but reassuring
Offer simple, developmentally appropriate explanations. Younger children need brief, concrete statements such as “Mom and dad are going to live in different homes, but we both love you very much.” Older children and teens may want more context. Be honest but avoid blaming, and always reassure them that you are still there for them.
2. Tell them it’s not their fault
Children of all ages can wrongly believe they caused the separation. Younger children may say things such as “Was I bad?” while teens might internalize guilt or question past actions. Be clear and repetitive in assuring them: “This was an adult decision. There is nothing you did or could have done to change it.”
3. Create a safe space
Encourage emotional expression, whether it’s through words, behaviour, art or play. Younger kids might act out or regress – respond with patience and calm. Older kids might shut down or act distant – check in regularly and offer opportunities to talk without pressure. Let them know all feelings are valid and that you’re there to listen and support.
4. Maintain routines
Structure helps children feel secure. Stick to regular mealtimes, school attendance, bedtime rituals and weekend plans. Younger children especially benefit from predictable routines and visual tools (such as calendars or charts). Older children appreciate knowing what to expect too, and involving them in scheduling decisions, where appropriate, can help them feel more in control.
5. Be mindful of what you say around them
Children, regardless of age, are often more perceptive than we realize. They tend to absorb not just what is said, but how it is said, even when they appear not to be listening.
Avoid arguing or speaking negatively about the other parent within earshot. For younger children, this helps preserve their emotional security; for older children, it reduces the pressure to take sides and supports their ability to maintain strong relationships with both parents.
In my clinical practice, I’ve found that even small gestures can have a profound impact. Whenever possible, model respect and cooperation – especially in the way you speak about your former partner. Referring to them as your child’s mother or father, rather than as your ex-wife or ex-husband, may seem minor, but this subtle shift in language can help reinforce a sense of stability, continuity and care for your child.
6. Help them understand new concepts
Children may struggle to understand terms such as “custody” or “visitation.” Break it down in a way that makes sense for their age. For a younger child: ‘Custody just means who takes care of you and when.’ For a teen: “We’ve made an agreement about how you’ll spend time at each house, and we’ll adjust as needed.” Stay open to clarifying these concepts over time.
7. Remind them they are loved
Tell your children – often and clearly –that they are loved, not just in words but in actions. Younger children may need physical affection, regular affirmations and repeated reminders. Older children may not ask for reassurance, but still need to hear that you care deeply and that your support isn’t going anywhere. Let them know: “We may live in two homes now, but we are still one family, and we will always be here for you.”
