When my son moved to a new country, I learned how my mother felt when I came to Canada | Canada Voices

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In 1990, I left my hometown of Beijing, crossed the Pacific Ocean and came to North America.

In 2024, more than 30 years later, at about the same age, my first-born son headed in the opposite direction. He left his hometown of Toronto, crossed the Pacific Ocean and went to Asia. Now he sends me weekly e-mails and photos from Taiwan. It seems that he lives happily on the island.

“He is just like you,” my Taiwanese friend Maria said.

It’s true. I am adventurous. At the age of 18, I left Beijing, China’s Northern capital, for Nanjing, known as the Southern Capital, to attend college, more than 1000 kilometres away from home.

In my 20s, I read the Taiwanese author San Mao’s books, such as Stories of the Sahara. I was inspired and wished to travel the world like her and write my own stories. Eventually I ended up in Canada, the land of maple leaves.

My all-time favourite song is the folk classic, The Olive Tree, also written by San Mao. Its lyrics include the lines: “Don’t ask me where I came from / My hometown is far away / Why do I wander / Wander far / Wander.”

My eldest son is adventurous, too. He once landed a small plane at the Toronto Island Airport at night. He probably got my gene. (I climbed Mount Fuji in my 60s). Since he graduated from high school, our mother and son duo have travelled to Vancouver, Hong Kong, San Francisco, Singapore, Tokyo, Taipei and Melbourne. He always came back with me. But this year is different. At 28, he travelled alone in January and hasn’t returned since.

Only after my son’s departure, did I realize what I had done to my mom years ago, and she was the dearest person in the world. Now I know exactly how she felt. I miss my son as much as my mom missed me when I was in Canada. Back then, my mom asked me to return home. Now I, too, ask my son to come back. He has just picked up some Chinese in Taiwan. His first complete sentence in Mandarin was “I am not coming home.” He was serious and there was no smile on his face, which broke my heart.

In August, our family went to Taiwan to see him and explore the island. My son showed us around Tainan, where he chose to live. He fondly called it “my city.” Then together we visited the famous Sun Moon Lake.

After the brief family reunion, we had to say goodbye. At the Taipei airport, I hugged my son one last time with tears in my eyes, then returned to Canada and left him behind.

I was sad and felt like I was losing my son. You are grieving your son, my doctor friend Elizabeth wrote in her e-mail.

My second son tried to comfort me, “You still have three other children with you.” But that didn’t stop the pain. My daughter reasoned with me, “He is already an adult. He can make his own decision. He is happy there. People are nice. The rent is much cheaper than Toronto and food is fabulous. Don’t you want him to be happy?”

Yes, of course. But I can’t help thinking about him every single day. Is he feeling lonely? I often wonder.

I watch Taiwanese news every day. Before a typhoon hit the island in October, I reminded my son to buy enough food and water. A mother will never stop caring about her child, grown or not.

I still don’t understand why he had to leave Toronto. I keep sending him photos of the city, the CN Tower, Centre Island, subway trains, streetcars, tour buses. I secretly hope that my photos will make him homesick and bring him back eventually.

Su Shi, the well-known Chinese poet of the Song Dynasty, wrote these famous lines: “People part and reunite. There are sorrows and joys. It’s like the moon, sometimes bright, sometimes dark, sometimes full, sometimes not.”

I console myself with those timeless lines when I miss my son. I know he might find a lovely Taiwanese girl and settle down there. I guess I’ll wait and see. Now I am looking forward to our next visit in January when our family will head overseas to see him again. Together we will celebrate the Chinese New Year, the most important holiday in our calendar.

Gu Zhenzhen lives in Toronto.