Why being single has become an identity | Canada Voices

Dr. Yuthika Girme is an associate professor at Simon Fraser University and the director of the Secure Research Lab, which studies the complexities of intimate relationships and the lived experiences of single people. Her work on singlehood has drawn growing attention, partly because being single is on the rise.

Statistics Canada found that in 2021, 39 per cent of people aged 25 to 29 were in a relationship compared with 68 per cent four decades earlier. In the United States, a 2020 report from Pew Research Center showed that half of single Americans were not interested in dating or having a romantic relationship. A survey conducted in December by The Globe and Mail through Nanos found 88 per cent of respondents were not interested in dating, though many of those surveyed may already be married or in committed relationships.

Despite more people staying single – whether by choice or circumstance – there is a relative lack of research about the trend compared with studies about couples. Girme’s work helps bridge that gap, looking into the challenges and hardships of being on your own, as well as ways to be happy without romantic partnerships. The Globe recently spoke with Girme about what drew her to this research and what her findings reveal.

What drew you to study single people and the work you do at Simon Fraser University’s Secure Research Lab?

I originally trained as a relationship psychologist. As an undergraduate student, I came across research and a course on close relationships. What fascinated me most is that our close relationships with family, friends and romantic partners can be the absolute best thing for people in terms of belonging, needs, intimacy, closeness and companionship. It can also be the worst thing for people in terms of conflict, rejection, insecurity, abuse and trauma.

I became really interested in trying to understand when and for whom relationships can be beneficial. I do think that singlehood and romantic relationships are two sides of the same coin. I don’t think you can fully understand how one operates without the other.

I’ll give you an example: We tend to prioritize marriage and family. We see this in the way our institutions are built. We see this in the way we offer couples discounts to things, tax benefits or health insurance benefits that are afforded to coupled people. All of these things are missed out on for people who are single.

Why are more and more young women pro-single?

Why is there a lack of research about single people compared to couples?

That’s such a good question. When people were doing research on close relationships, romantic relationships were such an easy, accessible context for us to explore. Historically, research on single individuals has often been comparative work. We’d find that coupled people, on average, are happier, better off and healthier. They live longer than people who are single.

Even if you’re tracking the same individual over time, when they partner, they see increased well-being. But the research usually didn’t ask why these things happen. I think that’s where our research steps in: We’re trying to understand the “why.”

Maybe a person is experiencing discrimination for being single. They’re experiencing social pressure to marry and partner up. But I also think singlehood research is rapidly growing right now because we’re starting to see more single people in society.

Being single is on the rise. Why do you think that is?

There’s lots of reasons. I would say that most people still are open to the possibility of romantic partnership. Maybe a little less so with marriage among younger cohorts, but certainly long-term committed relationships. What we’re seeing among younger people is a delay in committed partnerships. People are wanting to take time to really figure out who they are as a person.

They want to achieve certain educational and career goals in their life before considering romantic relationships. A colleague of mine wrote a paper where they looked at people’s income and found that for a lot of people, they want to be financially secure before they enter into committed relationships.

There are things with dating culture that have made dating really challenging for young, single people who want to partner. I also think that there is an increase of people who want to remain single for a considerably long time, if not forever. We see those trends, particularly among single women.

Can you talk to me about the positives that can go along with being single that your research highlights?

One of the biggest trends is that singlehood allows for greater autonomy and freedom and independence. It allows single people to pursue educational outcomes and career goals, travel, leisure, self-care and personal growth.

One of the messages we’re trying to get out is that it’s important for people to find ways to be grateful for the opportunities that singlehood gives them and build a relationship with themselves. As a society, we don’t necessarily think about that as an active relationship to cultivate, regardless of people’s relationship status.

It’s also totally common and valid that some people struggle with it. You could very much appreciate all the autonomy and independence that you get, and, at the same time, recognize that although you have wonderful friends and family, it’s not the same as having a romantic partner.

If there are people who choose singlehood out of their autonomy and volition, more power to them. We should also help ensure that those single individuals who choose to be single can have really thriving lives and still feel supported without having to conform to these romantic relationship ideals.

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Do you think people internalize stigmas about being single?

Yes, and we have tried to assess this in our research. We created a scale called the relationship pedestal belief scale. It’s a self-report measure that people can fill out and it tells us about their own endorsement of relationship pedestal beliefs: the extent to which they think that people have to be in a romantic relationship to be truly happy and fulfilled in life.

When single people endorse these relationship pedestal beliefs, we find they actually fear being single more. That is associated with being less happy. Interestingly, we also find this with people who are in a relationship. If you believe you need to be in a relationship to be truly happy, that also makes you fear being single down the road.

Not only is that associated with lower life satisfaction for coupled people, it actually makes them less satisfied in their relationship with their partner. A more moderate approach is trying to understand how people can be happy in their given situation, regardless of whether they are coupled or single.

This interview has been edited and condensed.