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No one likes feeling guilty. It’s uncomfortable and heavy. Most of us experience guilt after saying or doing something that harms another person, and our instinct is usually to avoid the feeling or push it away as fast as possible.
Halifax-based psychologist Chris Moore believes guilt deserves a second look. In fact, he argues that guilt is not simply an unpleasant emotional burden – it can be a powerful force that helps repair relationships.
Moore’s interest in the emotion is deeply personal.
More than 40 years ago, when he was a student at University of Cambridge, he was involved in a drunk-driving incident that killed a cyclist. After attending a house party, Moore and a group of friends decided to drive home in a car that was not theirs but had keys in the ignition. Moore was in the passenger seat and fell asleep. The next thing he remembered was waking up with blood streaming down his face.
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Their car had struck a group of students cycling home. One person died and several others were injured. Moore describes the moment afterward as a swirl of shock, horror and overwhelming regret – emotions that would stay with him for years.
The experience eventually led Moore, a professor in the department of psychology and neuroscience at Dalhousie University, to write a new book called The Power of Guilt: Why We Feel It and Its Surprising Ability to Heal.
In an interview with The Globe and Mail, Moore talked about the surprising role guilt plays in our lives and why we shouldn’t be so quick to run from it.
The Power of Guilt by Chris Moore.Supplied
What exactly is guilt?
Guilt is a cocktail of three emotions. There’s fear or anxiety about the damage that might have been done to a relationship. There’s compassion for the person who has been hurt. And there’s self-directed anger about what you did.
So, guilt is not just an emotional reaction to doing something wrong. It’s actually a relationship management system. It signals that we may have harmed someone and motivates us to repair that damage. If you feel guilt, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It usually means you care about other people. In that way, it’s a pro-social emotion. It’s a little prod telling us that our relationships need some care.
You make a strong distinction between guilt and shame. Why?
Guilt is feeling bad about something that you did (an action), whereas shame is feeling bad about yourself (being a bad person). Shame is more person-focused; guilt is more action-focused.
When you feel guilt, you’re thinking, “I did something wrong.” That can motivate you to fix the problem. But when guilt shifts into shame, you start to beat yourself up. Shame can make people withdraw from relationships, feel unworthy and become depressed or angry with themselves. Guilt tends to encourage repair. Shame tends to shut people down.
Halifax-based psychologist Chris Moore says guilt can be a powerful force that helps repair relationships.Supplied
Why do some people feel more guilt than others?
People who experience guilt more strongly often care deeply about their relationships. Some might call these individuals people-pleasers. Individuals who score high on agreeableness and empathy tend to be more guilt-prone because they’re more attentive to the emotional impact their behaviour has on others.
Research suggests women feel more guilt than men. Is that genetics?
Part of it has to do with the way relationships are structured in society. Women often play a larger role in maintaining the emotional health of relationships within families and communities.
On average, women also score higher on personality traits linked to guilt, such as agreeableness and neuroticism. Their relationships often involve closer one-on-one emotional connections, which can increase the likelihood of feeling guilt when something goes wrong. Men’s relationships more often involve group activities, where the emotional investment in individual relationships may be lower.
How can parents encourage healthy guilt in children?
The way parents respond to a child’s behaviour can make a big difference. If a child hurts someone and a parent says, “Look what happened to Johnny – he’s crying,” that encourages the child to think about the other person’s feelings. It stimulates empathy.
But if the parent focuses only on punishment – telling the child they’re bad or scolding them harshly – the child may experience fear and shame instead of empathy. Healthy guilt comes from understanding the impact of our actions on others.
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What is the best way to overcome guilt?
The most powerful antidote to guilt is forgiveness. If you’ve harmed someone, a genuine apology and an attempt to repair the damage are essential.
For a relationship to heal, though, both sides have to want that healing. If the person who was hurt does not want to forgive you, then self-forgiveness can work as a substitute for other forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness often isn’t easy, but it can be helped by reflecting on these things: Did I do everything I could do to mend the relationship? Would I forgive myself if I was the one who was hurt and I received a full and honest apology? If the relationship is over, then the guilt has become spurious and so it makes sense to let it go, if you can.
Your book is dedicated to the victims of your accident. Why?
Some of the student cyclists involved in the accident came to see me in the hospital. They told me they forgave me, which was an extraordinary act of grace. Their forgiveness had a profound effect on me, both in that moment and throughout my life. If they had not forgiven me, my life might have been very different. When someone gives you a second chance like that, you feel a responsibility to use it well.
That experience showed me the real power of guilt – not just the pain it brings, but its ability to lead to forgiveness, healing and change.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
