From a young age, we’re all taught to say sorry—whether we’re taught how to apologize correctly or not, we’re told the importance of the gesture. And as women get older, it seems like they’re apologetic a great deal more than others. So, how do you stop that? And what are the things that women over 50 shouldn’t apologize for? Whether you’re in that demographic—or you are seeking to support a friend who is—you’ve come to the right place.
“Many women over 50 were raised during a time when their value was often linked to being agreeable, selfless and non-confrontational,” explains Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, GA. “This has led many women in this age group to over-apologize, even when no wrongdoing occurred, as a way to preserve relationships or avoid discomfort.”
Although some habits are difficult to break, it’s never too late to embrace the start of a new chapter consisting of fewer apologies for actions that don’t require them.
In addition to Dr. Santorelli, Parade tapped Dr. Christie Ferrari, PsyD, clinical psychologist and founder of Assertive You, to learn about 10 things women over 50 should never apologize for.
Related: 10 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘Sorry’ as a Reflex, According to a Therapist
10 Things Women Over 50 Should Never Apologize For, According to Psychologists
1. Prioritizing Joy
You are allowed to experience and prioritize happiness and joy.
“After years of ‘adulting’ (and possibly even overfunctioning), choosing pleasure, ease or rest is not a luxury—it’s an act of liberation and you have earned it,” says Dr. Santorelli. “You’re allowed to enjoy your life just because you’re alive.”
Part of this can include not apologizing for saying “No” or setting boundaries.
Related: 11 Boundaries Every Woman Should Set by 40, According to Therapists
2. Your Past Choices
Dr. Santorelli emphasizes the importance of recognizing that every previous version of yourself had a purpose, including your choices. Even if your choices and actions deviated from what society deemed as “normal” at the time, it does not mean they merit an apology.
“You don’t need to apologize for the detours, mistakes or missteps,” she explains. “They were part of the process, and you get to move forward without shame.”
When you don’t apologize for your past choices (unless they warrant an apology because you hurt someone or actually did something wrong), you’re owning and honoring every version of yourself, and that’s something to be proud of.
Related: 6 Tips for Cultivating a ‘Growth Mindset’ (And Why It Will Totally Change Your Life)
3. Outgrowing Relationships
Not only are you meant to evolve as you age, but your relationships do too. Some relationships once served you, but no longer do, can leave you feeling drained or unseen, says Dr. Ferrari. While you may feel inclined to apologize for outgrowing a relationship (or multiple), it is not necessary.
Licensed psychotherapist, Rebecca Marcus, LCSW, also adds that it’s okay to outgrow people who “no longer align with your values.”
“Letting go isn’t failure—it’s growth, and it creates space for deeper, more fulfilling connections,” she says.
4. Not Wanting to Reinvent Yourself
Even if it seems like every other 50-year-old you know (or those you watch on TV or see as you scroll through TikTok) is reinventing themselves, it doesn’t mean that you have to feel bad for not wanting to do the same.
“Sometimes growth looks like peace, ease or finally feeling at home in your life,” notes Dr. Ferrari. “Ask yourself, ‘Is this something I truly want or something I feel I should want?'”
As long as you’re content with your answer to that question, you know you’re making the right decision for yourself and have every right to refrain from letting guilt consume you.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Women To Remove These 15 Phrases from Their Vocabulary
5. Not Immediately Responding to Texts
You are allowed to control how much access people have to you and when. This includes when you text or don’t text back. Just because society emphasizes instant gratification doesn’t mean it automatically applies to you.
“You’re allowed to be tired, busy or simply not in the mood to chat,” says Dr. Ferrari. “Constant access isn’t the same as true connection, and anyone who cares about you will understand that.”
With this in mind, you can either choose to completely ignore the message for the moment or respond in a manner that firmly and respectfully lets the other person know when you will be available to engage in a fruitful conversation. While not texting back immediately may seem like a small action, it can go a long way to help you protect your peace as needed.
6. Not Having It All Figured Out
Although you may be 50 years old, this doesn’t mean you have to have your life and future figured out. This might be a time when you’re discovering wants and parts of yourself you didn’t know existed or were previously covered up by other responsibilities that no longer require your attention.
If you’ve found yourself apologizing for discovering new parts of your identity or personality, you really ought to stop.
“There is no rule that says clarity and certainty magically appear at 50,” says Marcus, who is also the clinical director and founder of RM Psychotherapy. “It’s okay to still be learning, evolving and finding your way.”
Related: 11 Best Side Hustles for Women Over 50, According to Career Coaches
7. Needing Rest
Just like you did as a child, you need rest at 50 (and older) to help maintain optimal health. You should never feel the need to apologize for resting, regardless of how much (although Cedars Sinai recommends between seven to nine hours of sleep nightly).
“Wanting time for yourself isn’t withdrawal, it’s self-care and repair,” says Dr. Ferrari.
Dr. Santorelli also adds that “you don’t have to prove your worth through exhaustion.”
The people and obligations in your life who truly care about you would never make you feel as though you needed to apologize for tending to one of your most basic needs as a human being.
8. Taking Up Space
You should never apologize for taking up space in any capacity, whether it be physically or figuratively.
“Whether it’s in a room, a conversation or a career, you don’t have to shape shift for anyone else’s comfort,” explains Dr. Santorelli.
Marcus adds that many women over 50 oftentimes feel the need to apologize unnecessarily for taking up space, especially if they’ve spent the majority of their life caring for others and placing their needs above their own.
Related: 12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say
9. Spending Time Alone
While spending time socializing and connecting with others is healthy, you should stop apologizing for wanting to spend some time alone, too. After all, you’re the one person who knows yourself best.
“You enjoy your own company, and that’s not something to explain or fix,” says Dr. Santorelli.
Besides helping you to recharge for yourself, spending time alone can help you to recenter yourself to better show up for your loved ones.
10. Your Appearance
While you may find it difficult not to allow the countless media messages to make you feel bad about your changing (and aging) appearance, it’s okay to embrace your appearance and be proud of how you look.
“Every wrinkle, line and silver strand is a testament to your lived experience and not something to hide or apologize for,” says Marcus.
Up Next:
Related: 9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist
Sources:
- Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia.
- Rebecca Marcus, LCSW, is the clinical director and founder of RM Psychotherapy and a licensed psychotherapist.
- Dr. Christie Ferrari, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Assertive You.
