Despite what you might think, intelligence isn’t just about book smarts. Psychologists say emotional intelligence is highly underrated, but some women have it in spades.
“Emotional intelligence is a measure of self- and social-awareness,” explains Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the Chief Psychological Officer with Recovered.org. “It involves self-regulation, responsiveness to both your own and others’ emotions and understanding of the connections between emotions and behavior.”
Psychologists share that women (or anyone) with high emotional intelligence (EI) usually read the room like no one’s business and can effectively navigate even tricky social situations. What are the signs of an emotionally intelligent woman? Psychologists share 12 things emotionally intelligent women often do that the average person avoids. Read on to find out what they are.
Related: 4 Social Cues Emotionally Intelligent People Always Notice
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
“There are two components of emotional intelligence,” explains Dr. Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, a psychologist, certified perinatal mental health specialist and the co-founder of Phoenix Health. “It is the ability to be aware of, understand and cope with your own emotions, as well as the ability to identify and understand others’ emotions.”
She describes women with high EI as:
- Self-aware (They understand what they feel and why)
- Good self-regulators (They healthily cope with their emotions)
- Empathic (They’re able to understand another person’s feelings)
- Socially skilled (They can navigate relationships and social dynamics effectively)
Emotionally intelligent women sound pretty likable, right? Maybe, but you won’t find them competing in a popularity contest.
“For emotionally intelligent women, it’s not about being liked—it’s about being in integrity with both their truth and their relationships,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.
Related: 10 Things Classy Women Never, Ever Do in Public, According to an Etiquette Expert
12 Things Emotionally Intelligent Women Do Differently, According to Psychologists
1. Names emotions
Emotionally intelligent women are savvy when it comes to verbalizing their emotions.
“The average woman might say, ‘You’re stressing me out,’ lumping everything together and even suggesting that someone else is responsible for her feelings,” explains Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LPof Veritas Psychology Partners. “An emotionally intelligent woman says, ‘I’m disappointed this project didn’t land the way I hoped.'”
She shares that the emotionally intelligent phrase is specific but doesn’t play blame games.
“Being specific like this also allows us to see that the stressor is temporary, which might even set us up for growth for next time,” she adds.
Related: 6 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice Before Anyone Else, According to Psychologists
2. Hits the pause button
In a world of instant gratification, EI women know the power in pausing. For instance, think about how you might respond to a blunt text or criticism in a meeting.
“The average reaction might be firing off a sharp reply or shutting down,” Dr. MacBride reports. “An emotionally intelligent woman pauses. This space allows her the clarity of that emotion, even gives her a chance to self-validate that emotion.”
For instance, she might say, “I’m angry, and it’s OK to feel this way.”
“This pause also allows her to ask herself what she needs from herself to help with that emotion or what a relationship partner can do to help with that feeling,” Dr. MacBride says.
As a result, an EI woman can consider the most productive way to respond and preserve—and even invest in—relationships.
Related: 11 Things the Most Emotionally Supportive Grandparents Do Differently, According to a Psychologist
3. Sets boundaries
One thing emotionally intelligent women don’t do is say yes to everything—they know themselves too well to do that.
“A high EI woman understands that boundaries are necessary, and she is able to assert them without guilt,” Dr. Guarnotta shares. “She asserts her boundaries respectfully, but unapologetically. This is a sign of EI because it requires self-awareness and self-regulation. It also requires tact in how she communicates her boundaries.”
Related: 11 Boundaries Every Woman Should Set by 40, According to Therapists
4. Engages in stress-reducing and soothing activities
No one is immune to stress. However, one reason an EI woman may have declined a happy hour invite is that she knew she needed to take some time for herself to lower stress.
“An emotionally intelligent woman knows she cannot pour from an empty vessel and is intentional in taking care of herself,” Dr. Vinall shares.
Examples of this self-care might include yoga, meditation or walking in fresh air—but it’s highly personal.
“The emotionally intelligent woman tunes into what works for her to release tension and self-regulate,” she states.
5. Reframes setbacks
Emotionally intelligent people may seem so put-together, and they are. However, no one gets their way all day, every day.
“When passed over for a promotion, the average response might be self-criticism: ‘I’ll never be good enough,’ or even offloading hurt, ‘They just can’t see my worth,'” Dr. MacBride says. “An emotionally intelligent woman reframes it.”
She explains that this mindset shift might sound like, “This hurts, but what skills can I sharpen so I’m the obvious choice next time?”
“She makes it about the opportunity to learn something and do better next time,” Dr. MacBride says. “Even if you don’t achieve the goal or outcome, there’s beauty in the growth that can occur.”
Related: 5 Things That Emotionally Intelligent People Do When They’re Disrespected
6. Prioritizes internal over external validation
People like praise. However, emotionally intelligent women can survive and thrive without it.
“Emotionally intelligent women are able to validate themselves without needing to seek validation from others,” Dr. Guarnotta says.
Importantly, this habit doesn’t mean never asking for help—we’re meant to live in community. An EI woman might accept help, such as a meal train, after giving birth. However, she doesn’t need someone to validate her choice to forego timeouts with her toddler.
“She might seek support from others, but she doesn’t need other people to make things okay for her,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “This demonstrates emotional intelligence because it reflects self-awareness, the ability to self-soothe and a healthy level of independence.”
Related: 13 Things People With High Social Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
7. Seeks constructive feedback without getting defensive
Women with high emotional IQs have a perpetual growth mindset, and they know that it involves learning about ways that they can improve at work and in their personal lives.
“She wants to know how others are experiencing her and to do better,” Dr. Guarnotta says. “She views feedback as valuable in helping her grow, rather than something to fear. This is a sign of EI because it takes a well-regulated ego to be able to hear feedback without getting defensive and rejecting it.”
She points out that these women also know when to take someone’s feedback with a grain of salt.
Related: 8 Phrases To Shut Down Conflict That Instantly Make You Sound Classy
8. Takes accountability without over-apologizing
Dr. McGeehan says this skill is hard to master, but it’s one of her favorite things to witness in women with high EI. She says it shows a balanced sense of self that can take accountability without tying it to their self-worth.
“Rather than shrinking under guilt or taking responsibility for others’ emotions, they clean up their side of the street clearly and confidently,” she says. “They apologize for the impact, acknowledge growth edges, but do not imply that they are a bad person for having made a mistake in the first place.”
9. Takes comfort in others’ discomfort
This one may look rather sadistic at first glance. But stick with us.
“Emotionally intelligent women allow others to be uncomfortable without rescuing or over-explaining,” Dr. McGeehan notes. “I get real jacked about this one because it really bucks the narrative that good women need to rescue everyone around them.”
She points out that the average woman may—understandably, given generations of messaging—rush to try to smooth things over or lighten the mood. For instance, the average woman might start making jokes about how much she loathes bath time with her toddler after mentioning that she needs to be home for it, and therefore cannot take on a last-minute task at work.
“Emotionally intelligent women can hold space for discomfort, knowing that repair often requires a bit of rupture first,” she says. “This capacity to stay grounded through emotional messiness is a profoundly beautiful way to build deep, meaningful connections with themselves and those around them.”
Related: If You Use These 3 Phrases, You Have Higher Emotional Intelligence Than Most, Psychologists Say
10. Asks for what they need
Emotionally intelligent women save the subtle clues for Murder Mystery Night.
“Emotionally intelligent women also ask for what they need instead of hinting,” Dr. McGeehan points out. “Rather than hoping others will read their minds or prove their love by anticipating needs, they choose clarity and understand that healthy relationships require honest communication.”
She raves that naming your needs reflects emotional maturity and shows you don’t need rescuing.
11. Celebrates others
Emotionally intelligent women don’t think of friends, family and colleagues as rivals.
“Emotionally intelligent women do not view life as a zero-sum game, recognizing that others’ gain does not mean their loss,” Dr. Vinall says.
12. Assumes the best in others
Dr. Vinall shares that women with high emotional intelligence aren’t gullible but do tend to give others the benefit of the doubt—at least initially.
“When in conflict, an emotionally intelligent woman does not rush to judgment or react heatedly, but pauses to consider alternate perspectives and explanations,” Dr. Vinall reveals.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Women To Remove These 15 Phrases from Their Vocabulary
The #1 Way Women Can Build Emotional Intelligence
Want to develop more emotional intelligence? “Take a pause,” Dr. Guarnotta advises.
She explains that a pause means taking a moment between a trigger (like a comment about your career choice) and your reaction.
“It can be as simple as taking a deep breath or walking away for a minute,” she explains. “This is one of the building blocks of self-regulation.”
During this pause, Dr. MacBride shares that you might ask yourself, “What’s my goal here?” or “How do I want this person to feel in response to what I say next?”
“That short gap gives your brain time to switch from instinctive reaction to thoughtful choice,” Dr. MacBride says. “When we respond with emotion, driving the bus, the Amygdala has taken control, and it can be a bit of a reactionary driver. Pausing interrupts emotional hijacks. It lets the prefrontal cortex come online and add a bit of reason and logic.”
That doesn’t mean crafting an emotionless response—you’re human after all.
“A response that is a blend of emotion and logic is often the sweet spot that helps keep healthy boundaries that align with your values and long-term goals, rather than escalating conflict or regretting impulsive words,” she says.
Up Next:
Related: 5 Things That Emotionally Intelligent People Do When They’re Disrespected
Sources:
- Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, chief psychological officer with Recovered.org
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist
- Dr. Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, psychologist, certified perinatal mental health specialist and the co-founder of Phoenix Health
- Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP psychologist and works with Veritas Psychology Partners
