It might be a cliché, but the truth is that you only get one first impression, so you’d better make it count. And this is especially true when it comes to your partner’s parents. But let’s be honest: you have to continuously put your best foot forward with your significant other’s family because whether it’s your second or 40th time getting together with them, you can still do something to make them dislike you.
Even if they aren’t particularly intimidating, it can be anxiety-inducing to know that they’re observing what you do and say. And if you accidentally make a wrong move or unintentionally blurt out a comment that someone takes offense to, it can negatively impact their opinion of you. So if you’re nervous about one of your first outings together, or want to make sure you never do something to ruin the relationship you already have with them, it would be good to learn what things can make you “instantly unlikable” to your in-laws, according to psychologists.
Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a family psychologist, tells Parade that a healthy relationship with in-laws is one that “has boundaries,” as well as “resilience and flexibility.” But to build that relationship, you have to start with a good foundation. And that means avoiding any missteps that might make your in-laws cringe.
To find out what behaviors to avoid with your in-laws, we spoke to Dr. Smerling as well as psychologist Dr. Meera Khan, PhD, PsyD, to find out what common things make you “instantly unlikable” to your spouse’s family.
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7 Things That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ to Your In-Laws, Psychologists Warn
1. Not making eye contact
While we can’t all be perfect with this one 100% of the time, not making eye contact can be a real downer.
“It doesn’t make the person feel important and heard,” Dr. Smerling shares. “It doesn’t make the person feel as though you’re really trying to make contact with them and it becomes a very artificial relationship.”
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2. Coming on too strong
There’s a fine line between asking genuine questions and interrogation, and you shouldn’t let your first few interactions with your in-laws veer into the latter.
“This can be perceived as aggressive, fake and not likable,” says Dr. Khan, “Which impairs your ability to build genuine connection with your in-laws.”
Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t participate in a discussion with your in-laws, but if you are a talker, she suggests taking a beat to “observe and learn the family system” before jumping in too aggressively.
3. Constantly looking at your phone
In 2026, it’s hard not to look at your phone regularly, but constantly checking your cell in front of your in-laws without a valid reason is a big no-no.
“That makes people feel very insignificant,” says Dr. Smerling, adding that it sends the message that something else is more important than your relationship with your in-laws.
4. Not saying “thank you”
It sounds pretty basic, but not saying “thank you” when the occasion calls for it is always a major red flag. Therefore, sharing your gratitude can only earn you points with your in-laws.
And Dr. Smerling says that being polite and gracious, especially earlier on in your relationship, is key because “it shows that [you ‘re] willing to be kind.”
Related: 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your Partner
5. Being negative
We all know the stereotype about in-laws being overbearing and hard to connect with, but going into a meeting with that in mind can severely affect your relationship.
“If you already think in-law relationships aren’t good, then you’re likely to feel that way and confirm the bias or not give it a full chance,” says Dr. Khan.
Related: 10 Ways To Become Someone Who Avoids Negativity, According to Psychologists
6. Being combative
It’s normal to argue with family members, but early on in your relationship with your in-laws, it’s important to try to avoid framing your interactions as a battle you need to win.
“This creates contention and makes the focus about ‘winning’ over each other instead of fostering connection,” says Dr. Khan. “There will be disagreements and differences when two different family structures come together; focus on joint solutions and mutual ground.”
Related: 9 Things Healthy Couples Do Differently During Disagreements, Therapists Say
7. Disrupting the family dynamic
“Conflict with in-laws can often stem from people feeling their pre-existing relationships are being replaced or broken in place of the new one,” Dr. Khan shares. “The best way to address this is to make sure those people [and] relationships still have time together.”
In other words, don’t try to get in between your partner and their parents.
Dr. Smerling agrees, saying, “When there is a healthy level of intimacy between a mother and a child… that should be maintained.”
Related: A Psychologist Is Begging Mother-in-Laws To Stop Making These 6 Common Mistakes
How To Make a Good Impression
Psychologists recommend doing two things consistently to make sure your good impression continues month after month, year after year.
Be on time
Punctuality is a very easy way to convey respect right away. Though running a few minutes late might not hurt, being an hour late without warning will definitely send the wrong message.
Related: 8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Mother-in-Laws Do Differently, According to a Psychologist
Be curious
Keeping an open mind and an open heart is critical when it comes to fostering a good relationship with your in-laws.
“Approach with warmth, kindness and curiosity to understand and get to know them without bias as much as possible,” Dr. Khan shares.
Dr. Smerling agrees, saying, “You have to start out being open and loving to your in-laws because they’re the ones that brought you your partner.”
That said, don’t feel like you have to limit your conversations with your in-laws to your partner, either (though asking about their childhood can certainly be a good place to start).
“Be curious about who they are. Be curious about what they do on a daily basis,” Dr. Smerling advises. “Curiosity is the thing that makes you likable.”
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Sources:
- Dr. Kathryn Smerling is a psychologist and licensed clinical social worker who specializes in individual and family therapy. She is also the author of Learning to Play Again: Rediscovering Our Early Selves to Become Better Adults.
- Dr. Meera Khan, PhD, PsyD, is a psychologist with LifeStance Health who specializes in treating anxiety, depression and other trauma disorders.