50 is a great time to ditch certain habits—because, no, it isn’t too late. In fact, Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, says it’s a common turning point for people.
“People in this age can start to see and relate to time differently,” she tells Parade. “For instance, time is more valuable, and it’s not infinite. They realize the importance of spending their time in meaningful ways.”
To do so, she says it helps to understand, adapt and maintain the habits of emotionally strong people. She shares that doing so “can give pointed guidance on what to do vs. not do, and helps to build or develop a skill set of emotional strength.”
It might help for us to back up and discuss the meaning of emotional strength in psychology.
“Emotional strength is the ability to feel and cope with strong or challenging emotions, while being able to communicate effectively with other people about needs and wants in the moment,” she explains. “Emotional strength can also be the ability to feel your emotions without becoming overly dysregulated as a result, and to maintain composure or recover from the challenging emotions.”
Once again, no, it is not too late to build emotional strength in midlife and beyond. Dr. Goldman says some people have emotional strength innately, but others learn skills and develop it. She suggests ditching these seven things after 50 (if you do them)—they won’t move you closer to the “you” you want to be.
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7 Things Emotionally Strong People Stop Doing After 50, According to a Psychologist
Dr. Goldman stresses that you’ll want to stop doing some things after 50 if you want to build emotional strength. She reveals seven energy leaks to patch in midlife that will help you flex emotionally.
1. Finding safety in ‘holding on’
When Dr. Goldman suggests that people over 50 need to “let go,” she’s not breaking into the famous Frozen song. Instead, she’s sharing the psychology of letting go.
“Letting go is an emotional and cognitive process of releasing attachments. We all form attachments throughout our lives, whether to other people, objects, past emotional injuries or narratives we have constructed over time or control,” she explains. “These attachments and frameworks can keep us grounded, or they can also keep us stuck.”
When we let go, we release our attachment to what no longer serves us. If that sounds scary, no, you’re not alone.
“Many people struggle with letting go,” she notes. “It can be a frightening concept. We do not necessarily know what letting go means or looks like. Being attached to something feels like there is a sense of control or safety.”
But the process can lead to inner peace.
2. Letting their inner critic have the megaphone
You may be a pro at pep talks with others by now. But shutting down that negative inner critic and speaking kindly to yourself after 50 may seem like an impossible hill to climb. Dr. Goldman still suggests trying it.
“Engaging in compassionate self-talk after 50 can help build resilience and help navigate the inevitable changes that come with being in midlife, specifically social, physical and age-related changes that are specific to people in their 50s,” she says.
There are many ways to engage in compassionate self-talk, and Dr. Goldman says it takes practice and usually doesn’t come naturally. She explains that one option is to reframe your thoughts so they’re balanced and neutral rather than judgmental or harsh. For instance, she points out that “I’m so lazy now that I’m getting older” can be reframed into “My body is changing as I enter my 50s, and it has served me well all this time.”
Alternatively, she suggests identifying a specific thought. Then, ask yourself, “Is this something I’d say to a friend?”
“The answer is generally ‘no,’ and then the compassionate self-talk is generated by answering, ‘How would you say this to a close friend?'” the psychologist notes. “The next statement is gentler and kinder.”
Related: If You Commonly Use These 7 Phrases, You’re More Emotionally Intelligent Than You Might Realize, According to a Psychologist
3. Engaging in people-pleasing
It is entirely possible to stop people-pleasing even after five decades on this Earth—yes, even you, eldest daughters.
“It is important to stop people-pleasing in midlife to retake control over your future, become a more authentic version of yourself and reclaim your time, energy and focus,” Dr. Goldman says. “Midlife can be a particularly great time to stop people-pleasing because there tends to be less of a need for external validation.”
She shares that people in the 50+ crowd also crave authentic, healthy, balanced friendships.
To stop people-pleasing after 50, Dr. Goldman suggests pausing before you answer someone so that you can center yourself.
“Take time to think about what you want and what is most important,” Dr. Goldman advises. “Do not automatically say ‘yes’ and agree to something you really do not want or that does not serve you. In the pause, you can evaluate.”
4. Feeling uncomfortable setting boundaries with family
Boundaries can seem confrontational, but Dr. Goldman says emotionally strong people know they can reduce conflict, resolve it, build respect and support healthy interactions. While it can be challenging with family, she notes that it’s worth learning to become skilled at saying “no.”
“This takes practice, but it can be very empowering to say ‘no’ to social tasks or activities that you do not want to engage in,” she states. “You can start with people who it is easier to set a boundary with and work up towards people it might be more challenging [with].”
Expect pushback, ranging from people ignoring your boundary to people trying to talk you out of setting it. Stand strong.
“Being able to tolerate the pushback and maintain the boundary, such as by continuing to say ‘No, I’m sure,’ is one of the most difficult parts of maintaining the boundary,” she says. “It’s not just about setting boundaries but holding them and remaining consistent.”
5. Acting as if learning stopped on graduation day
Dr. Goldman shares that emotionally strong people know learning is a lifelong pursuit.
“Staying curious about who we are, what is changing in the world and how to continue to grow and evolve over time is a key factor in being emotionally stable,” she states.
For instance, she says you can journal to reflect on how your values are evolving as you age. You can also explore a new hobby or interest that helps you learn something new and pushes you outside of your comfort zone.
Related: These 7 ‘Lazy’ Habits Actually Signal High Emotional Intelligence, Psychologist Says
6. Denying hard truths
Emotionally strong people practice acceptance—even when it’s challenging.
“This habit involves saying, ‘I acknowledge the reality of the situation,’ without negatively judging,” Dr. Goldman explains. “It means accepting the truth, even if you don’t like the truth.”
To start practicing acceptance, she suggests that you practice self-forgiveness, embrace your flaws or love yourself (shortcomings included).
7. Rolling eyes at the word ‘mindfulness’
We know “practice mindfulness” is so cliché. But here’s the thing: It works, and it helps people build and maintain emotional strength.
“Mindfulness keeps you in the here and now (the present moment), without worrying about the future or past,” Dr. Goldman says. “Being mindfully present means paying full attention and staying grounded in the moment.”
Try this: Pay complete and total attention when you wash dishes.
“Picking a task we might do on autopilot, instead pay total attention to the water, the soap, how the sponge feels against your skin, the weight of the bowl and more,” she suggests.
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Source:
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.