Some people seem to understand emotions intuitively—they can read the room, respond with empathy and navigate tense situations with ease. Others might miss those signals entirely, not out of malice, but because emotional awareness doesn’t come as easily to them. Emotional intelligence looks different for everyone, and it’s not always easy to tell where someone stands. If you’re wondering whether you—or someone in your life—might be lacking in this area, we’ve rounded up eight behaviors that instantly reveal if someone has low emotional intelligence, according to psychologists.
Psychologists Dr. Jaime Zuckerman (Dr. Z on Instagram) and Dr. Jenny Shields share that emotional intelligence can be tricky to spot—especially when certain behaviors fly under the radar. That’s why they’re diving into the topic to help you better understand what low emotional intelligence can look like in everyday interactions. With their guidance, you’ll be able to recognize the signs more clearly and reflect on what they might mean.
So, if you want to learn more about emotional intelligence and what it might look like when it’s lacking, keep reading—you might just discover something new about yourself or the people around you. Let’s dive in and get a little smarter about our feelings together!
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What Is Emotional Intelligence?
“Emotional intelligence (often called EQ or EI) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions while also recognizing and responding to the emotions of others,” Dr. Shields explains. “In plain terms, it’s being smart about feelings (both yours and theirs).”
She notes that emotional intelligence is generally broken down into four core skills:
- Self-Awareness: “This is the foundation. It means you can accurately recognize your own emotions and understand why you’re feeling them,” she points out. “For example, realizing you’re not just ‘in a bad mood,’ but you’re actually anxious about an upcoming deadline is a sign of emotional intelligence.”
- Self-Management: “This is what you do with that awareness. It’s the ability to control your emotional reactions and impulsive behaviors,” she reveals. “For instance, if you’re having a feeling of a flash of anger, but you choose to take a breath and think before you speak.”
- Social Awareness: “This is your ability to read other people,” Dr. Shields shares. “It involves understanding their emotions, needs and concerns, often through non-verbal cues like tone of voice or body language. This is where empathy comes in.”
- Relationship Management: “This is where you put it all together. It’s the skill of using your awareness of your own and others’ emotions to manage social interactions successfully, like resolving conflicts, communicating clearly and inspiring others,” she states.
Related: 7 Behaviors That People-Pleasers Don’t Even Realize They’re Doing, a Psychotherapist Warns
8 Behaviors of People With Low Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
1. Getting stressed easily
“Not being self-aware of your current state of emotions—along with awareness of your triggers—and not having the ability to self-regulate heightened emotions, leads to a response that may be disproportionate to the context of the situation and is an example of behavior that signals low emotional intelligence,” Dr. Zuckerman tells Parade.
Dr. Shields agrees, adding that being able to manage and control one’s emotions so that they don’t have emotional outbursts when things go wrong is key to emotional intelligence.
“Getting stressed easily often indicates a deficit in emotion regulation, a core executive function,” she shares. “Individuals with low emotional intelligence may struggle with poor affective forecasting, meaning they overestimate the duration and intensity of negative emotional states, causing them to perceive stressors as more catastrophic than they are. For example, they might experience a small work setback as a career-ending event because they lack the ability to down-regulate their initial panic and anxiety.”
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2. Avoiding emotional conversations
Dr. Zuckerman notes that “typically people with low emotional intelligence don’t have relationships with deep, meaningful emotional connections, as they don’t share their emotions and they have difficulty regulating them, which causes them to avoid them altogether. “
Dr. Shield further explains that someone with low EQ has a hard time defining their own emotions, so that’s partly why they don’t share anything vulnerable or emotional with others.
“When an individual cannot distinguish between feeling—for example—disappointed versus ashamed, the prospect of an emotional conversation is overwhelmingly ambiguous and threatening,” she says. “They may avoid discussing a conflict with a partner because they lack the emotional vocabulary to articulate their own internal state or interpret their partner’s.”
3. Making jokes at other people’s expense
Jokes can be fun, especially when they are lighthearted and if you’re in on it, but if they are at the expense of someone, it can be a sign that someone has low emotional intelligence.
“Making jokes at other people’s expense points to a deficit in cognitive empathy, which is the capacity to understand another person’s perspective and is a sign of low emotional intelligence,” Dr. Shield tells Parade. “A person doing this may fail to model the other person’s internal experience and accurately predict that the joke will be received as a social slight rather than as humor. For instance, they might tease someone about a minor mistake, not computing that they will likely experience public humiliation.”
4. Being oblivious to other people’s feelings
People with a low EQ lack the ability to gauge a lot of things revolving around emotions, and this includes others’ feelings, too.
“This is a direct sign of a deficit in perceiving emotions, particularly in decoding non-verbal cues,” notes Dr. Shields. “This type of person struggles to read the affective data present in facial expressions and prosody (the tone of voice). They might continue talking enthusiastically about their own promotion to a colleague who is visibly deflated, completely missing the slumped shoulders and flat tone that signal disappointment.”
Related: 6 Toxic Phrases Emotionally Intelligent People Notice Before Anyone Else, According to Psychologists
5. Holding grudges
Another sign of low emotional intelligence that you can look out for is if someone holds grudges against a family member, friend or even a coworker, says Dr. Shields.
“This demonstrates a failure of cognitive reframing, a key emotion regulation strategy,” she tells Parade. “The individual becomes anchored to their initial, negative interpretation of an event and is unable to reappraise the situation from a different perspective. They might remain angry for years over a past slight because they are cognitively stuck, continuously replaying the original offense without updating their perception with new context.”
6. Blaming others for their problems
“The act of blaming others is often driven by an external attributional style, a defense mechanism to protect a person’s self-image and understanding,” Dr. Shields mentions. “Accepting personal responsibility would create cognitive dissonance between their actions and their self-concept. An example of this would be blaming traffic for being chronically late because it’s easier than confronting the dissonance of being an intelligent person who struggles with time management.”
Those with low EQ just aren’t in tune with their inner feelings and thoughts, and it’s hard for them to take accountability if they are at fault for something.
“Those with low emotional intelligence tend to have poorer insight and awareness into their emotional and cognitive state,” Dr. Zuckerman agrees. “They tend to have less respect for the emotions of others and have worse interpersonal conflict resolution skills. Those with low EI seek to be ‘right’ about most things and have limited capacity to recognize the opinions or perspectives of others.”
7. Having emotional outbursts
One more sign that you or someone you know has low emotional intelligence? Their reaction! Similar to how stress can make someone with a low EQ freak out, they often have emotional outbursts in general, which can be a red flag.
“Emotional outbursts can stem from low emotional granularity, which is the ability to differentiate emotions with precision,” Dr. Shield says.
8. Behaving insensitively
“Someone who does this often reveals a weak Theory of Mind, which is the understanding that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one’s own,” Dr. Shield explains. “Insensitivity occurs when an individual operates as if their own internal state is a universal truth, failing to consider that their words could have a different, hurtful meaning from another’s perspective. For example, they might tell a friend, ‘I would never have bought that car,’ not realizing their personal preference is irrelevant and will be interpreted as a criticism of their friend’s choice.”
Related: If You Display These 7 Behaviors, Psychologists Say You’re the Emotional Anchor in Your Family
3 Ways To Improve Emotional Intelligence
If you or someone you know is lacking emotional intelligence, our experts say there are some things that may improve it.
1. Put in the work to change
All hope isn’t lost, and someone’s low emotional intelligence can “be improved upon,” Dr. Zuckerman shares.
“This involves increasing self-awareness and recognizing patterns,” she explains. “For someone with low emotional intelligence, this will be challenging and uncomfortable. However, the main thing is that they are willing to try. Now, this being said… someone with low emotional intelligence may try, but still may never be able to develop enough emotional intelligence skills to improve upon their connectedness.”
Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
2. Practice naming emotions more precisely
“Many people default to ‘I’m mad, ‘I’m sad’ or ‘I’m stressed,’ but that lack of precision is exactly what makes emotions feel overwhelming,” says Dr. Shields. “Building emotional granularity—the ability to distinguish between, say, irritated, disappointed, frustrated or ashamed—gives the brain a clearer roadmap. Research shows that people who can label their emotions more precisely are better able to regulate them. For example, realizing ‘I’m anxious about tomorrow’s meeting’ (not just ‘in a bad mood’) makes it easier to address the real cause.”
3. Seek therapy
Sometimes, getting help from a professional is best. Dr. Zuckerman says if you go to therapy to try to address your lack of emotional intelligence, you can focus on things like “self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills, empathy and motivation.”
Up Next:
Related: 4 Social Cues Emotionally Intelligent People Always Notice
Sources:
- Dr. Jaime Zuckerman (Dr. Z on Instagram) is a psychologist and narcissistic abuse expert.
- Dr. Jenny Shields is a psychologist and certified healthcare ethics consultant.
