There are all types of people we come across when we’re in romantic relationships or relationships with friends or family members: the gaslighters, love bombers, narcissists and breadcrumbers, to name a few trending buzzword terms. But when you hear the word “empathy” in connection to relationships, you likely believe that to be a good thing. But what if it’s not a good thing, and the person you’re dealing with is actually a “dark empath“?
If you’re instantly wondering, “What is a dark empath?” and curious about the traits and behaviors that are connected to this term, you’re not alone. Parade spoke with mental health experts to learn more about dark empath’s meaning and how this can impact relationships. Plus, the therapists reveal eight common phrases to look out for and exactly how to respond.
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‘Dark Empath’ Meaning
A “dark empath” is a term that has entered the lexicon recently, namely through the media and social media platforms, but it is gaining steam. It’s not a term that a therapist would use to formally diagnose someone, but in general, a dark empath is defined as “someone who appears very concerned and pretends to connect with you on an emotional level, but their motivation is manipulation,” says licensed therapist Shay DuBois.
She goes on to say that dark empaths are people who would most likely qualify for a diagnosis such as a narcissist or even a psychopath, explaining, “They understand others’ emotions, but don’t feel them. The behavior is about forming a one-sided deep connection and understanding, but they lack the actual emotional bond behind it, with the end game about their personal gain.”
While dark empaths are very similar to narcissists, as mentioned, what sets them apart is their intention to weaponize empathy to serve themselves.
“It’s a newly recognized personality type that highlights how empathy, when misused, can have a much more ominous side,” says Amber Robinson, psychotherapist and owner of A Road Through Therapy Group.
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
How Dark Empaths Can Impact Relationships
If you’re connected with someone who you can identify as a dark empath, DuBois says that you have to have realistic expectations for the relationship, being fully aware of their emotional limitations.
But that’s just scratching the surface of the difficulties you might face in any kind of a relationship with a dark empath.
“Being in a relationship with a dark empath can be incredibly exhausting, confusing and depleting. You might experience moments of extreme closeness and joy, only to be followed by deep confusion and emptiness,” says Robinson.
In such a relationship, Robinson warns that you can be on the lookout for tactics like love bombing, which is when someone showers you with attention and affection, but over time, their controlling tendencies take over.
“They’re highly skilled at pinpointing both your pride points and pain points, but they use these to gain control,” she says. “What might start as an amazing friendship or partnership can quickly become draining, leaving you questioning your sense of self and the connection you once thought was so fulfilling.”
If this is sounding all too familiar, it’s important to, first, not blame yourself for falling for their charm or general gaslighting.
Related: 5 Telltale Signs of Gaslighting in a Friendship, According to Psychologists
“There can be a lot of blame and shame, but it isn’t your fault,” DuBois reassures. “If you find that you are often targeted, talking to a therapist can help you learn how to recognize dark empaths before you get involved.”
You should also know that you can’t really “fix” a dark empath, no matter how much you care, as Robinson points out, adding that a dark empath has to go on their own journey.
But there are phrases you can be aware of, so you can deal with these individuals accordingly. This can also help you decide if you’ve simply had enough of a person’s dark empath ways, and it might be time to say goodbye—and if you feel that it could be an unsafe situation, this is when you call upon trusted people to help sever the connection, call upon the expertise of a therapist or even reach out to local authorities if necessary.
Related: 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
8 Common Dark Empath Phrases in Relationships
1. “You’re too sensitive.”
DuBois says that this phrase tends to be used when you protest behaviors that violate your boundaries, explaining, “They turn it from their bad behavior to making you seem unreasonable.”
So, how should you respond? Essentially, you can say, “I’m sorry that you think I’m sensitive, but I see it as protesting the violation of my boundaries.” DuBois explains that this states why you had the reaction you did and that you don’t agree the behavior was unreasonable.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. “You’re too good for me.”
“This is often a dark empath’s first real test of manipulation,” Robinson says. “They’ll say something like this to test your boundaries and expectations. It might sound like a compliment, but it’s not.”
She adds, “When someone tells you you’re too good for them, take it as a promise, not praise. They’re essentially admitting they see your worth but have no intention of rising to meet your standards.”
3. “You are my everything.”
“Dark empaths often ‘love bomb’ people, creating dependency,” DuBois says. “This phrase creates a sense of connection or responsibility in the other person, where it is more difficult to dissolve the relationship.”
She also says that if this comes up early in a relationship, you can state, “I’m not comfortable being someone’s everything, and this isn’t the kind of relationship I was looking for.”
4. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Robinson explains that this phrase isn’t an apology, saying, “A dark empath uses these deflecting phrases to shift the focus away from their actions and make you question whether your feelings are valid. Essentially, they’re trying to gaslight you into thinking your needs or reactions are the real problem, not their behavior.”
Since this isn’t a genuine apology, Robinson says that it’s okay to calmly point out that fact or choose not to engage at all. “A real apology takes accountability for actions and acknowledges how those actions impacted you,” she shares.
Related: 105 Toxic People Quotes To Help Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life
5. “I was only joking.”
A dark empath might use this phrase after using sarcasm or saying a rude comment, and it can be very subtle and couched in humor, as DuBois says.
“The end goal is to undercut your confidence in your judgement,” she adds.
One way you can respond, according to DuBois? “I don’t find jokes that offend others funny. I don’t think our sense of humor is compatible.”
6. “That’s not how it happened.”
“A big part of dark empath behavior is gaslighting,” DuBois notes. “This is getting you to question your memory and understanding of events. This can be about even very small things, but the intention is to keep the other person questioning themselves.”
One simple way to respond is by saying, “We are just going to have to agree to disagree.” DuBois says, “There is no use in getting into a debate with someone about how events happened. Remember, the intent is to cause uncertainty and manipulation.”
Related: Why You Shouldn’t Ignore These 6 Common ‘Brightsiding’ Phrases, Psychologists Warn
7. “I need your help.”
Robinson says that dark empaths are masters at garnering sympathy, and asking for help is one of their go-to’s.
“This usually follows a disagreement or hurtful comment, and is used as a tactic to lower your guard and shift the focus back to them,” she says.
Robinson adds, “If a dark empath in your life asks for help following an argument or insult, it’s important to stand firm in your boundaries. Hold them accountable for their actions instead of getting drawn into their attempts to redirect the situation.”
8. “How would you survive without me?”
DuBois says that this phrase is all about creating dependency, which keeps the dark empath’s partner feeling as if they need the relationship for survival.
In general, for this, DuBois says that it’s important to respond with an abundance of caution, with your safety in mind. But she says that it’s important to remember that you were okay before the relationship, and can be again if you decide to walk away.
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Related: 11 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use—and How To Spot the Earliest Signs
Sources
- Shay DuBois, licensed therapist
- Amber Robinson, psychotherapist and owner of A Road Through Therapy Group
