As kids, we’re taught that it’s kind to share, but as adults, it’s important to remember that we don’t have to share everything—especially when it comes to our inner thoughts and opinions. In fact, there are even some personal confessions that can backfire if you share them with the wrong person. But who is the wrong person, and what can be bad to share with them? Parade consulted two psychologists on the topic to get their expert opinions.
Dr. Jessica Byrd-Olmsteadis a licensed psychologist offering psychotherapy services in the San Fransisco area and beyond. And Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a neuropsychologist anddirector of Comprehend the Mind. Both of them weigh in on what you should maybe not-so-readily share with certain people—in your own best interest.
First of all, as Dr. Byrd notes, “You don’t have to share anything with anyone you don’t want to.” She adds, “If your gut is telling you it doesn’t feel safe to share a certain topic with a certain person, don’t.”
But then there are the things you may think you want to discuss with someone that could actually backfire on you. As Dr. Hafeez says, opening up about certain topics “might have an impact on how others perceive you once you share them.” You can’t control how someone reacts to your thoughts, so once you talk about certain things, it’s out of your hands. “Whether the topics you share are taken in a positive or negative light is up to the discretion of the listener,” Dr. Hafeez points out.
With that in mind, you may want to proceed with caution on these types of confessions.
Related: 9 Things You Should Always Keep to Yourself, According to Psychologists
9 Surprising Confessions Psychologists Say Can Backfire if Shared With the Wrong Person
1. You’re Trying To Have a Baby
It can be so exciting to start expanding your family, but because not everybody’s fertility journey is the same, you may want to exercise caution around friends, family or coworkers when it comes to sharing your experience.
“Fertility issues can be an emotional rollercoaster for couples,” Dr. Byrd acknowledges. She adds that if someone is quietly dealing with fertility struggles, hearing about a positive fertility experience could be triggering for them.
You may want to share this experience with friends or family in your life who you know will receive the news positively—and navigate with a little more caution around acquaintances that you don’t know as well.
Related: 7 Things You Should Never, Ever Post Online, According to Psychologists
2. You’re Dealing With a Health Problem
You should never have to go through a health issue alone, but Dr. Hafeez does suggest being careful about who you tell—particularly at work. “Medical conditions may cause someone to treat you differently even if they mean no harm by it,” she says.
If it’s not affecting your ability to get your job done, you don’t need to feel compelled to tell anyone at work when you’re navigating health problems.
3. You’re Experiencing Legal Issues
Similarly to the health issues topic, legal issues are another area where you may not want to overly volunteer information.
“Maybe it goes without saying, but people can often be judgmental,” Dr. Byrd notes. “Sometimes our closest friends and family may even be the worst culprits … judgment can often come from a place of concern or worry, but it does not feel good to be on the receiving end.”
If you don’t want to be met with negativity surrounding a legal battle, keeping things to yourself or sharing just with a trusted partner or close friends could be the way to go.
Related: 5 Things Classy People Never, Ever Reveal About Themselves in Public, According to an Etiquette Expert
4. You Got a Raise
Getting a raise at work is thrilling, but unless someone is directly impacted by your salary change, they probably don’t need to know that information. Dr. Hafeez notes that discussing finances “may invoke jealousy, competition or assumptions about what you can and cannot afford.” She adds that this topic can be particularly difficult to navigate with family members.
“Comments that suggest you’re better at these areas than your relatives may be met with resistance or defensiveness,” she says.
And though salary information has become more transparent in many industries, Dr. Byrd notes that it’s still not a great idea to talk about what you’re making with a colleague if you don’t know them very well and they didn’t ask. It can just invite resentment and hurt feelings if they’re not making the same.
5. What You Really Think of Work
You may think a colleague is your friend, but you never really know for sure. Dr. Byrd says “workplaces can be notorious for rumor mills,” which can make it difficult to confide in a coworkers safely.
And Dr. Hafeez recommends not “gossiping or complaining about your boss, company or coworkers,” because that can damage the trust and respect your colleagues have for you.
“Even if you say it once and in confidence, it is likely that others will repeat it,” she says. “It can even come back to hurt you and your career if it is associated with your name.”
6. Your Political Views
Dr. Hafeez cautions against sharing “strong opinions” with groups or individuals you don’t know as well, especially at work.
“[Talking about] polarizing issues may quickly create tension if the person you are talking to has a different view,” she warns.
You may want to stick to discussing those subjects with people you know well—or be prepared to defend your opinions if you’re speaking with someone whose political beliefs you’re not as sure about.
7. You Have ‘Helpful’ Advice
When it comes to friendships, there’s a line you may want to toe to avoid hurt feelings—and that can include trying to give what you may perceive as helpful advice. “Offering advice about their choices in parenting, dating or lifestyle—even if it’s genuinely meant as helpful—can sound judgmental if it’s not asked for,” Dr. Hafeez says. “Your intended honesty might come across as criticism,” she adds.
Consider your relationship with the person and if they may be open to hearing you opinions and advice (or if they even asked for your input)—and then proceed with caution.
Related: 11 Personal Details Psychologists Say You Should Always Keep Private
8. You’re Having Relationship Problems
You can’t control how anyone will respond to what you tell them, so you may want to be a little more guarded when sharing about any relationship problems you may be dealing with. “Marital or relationship issues can be touchy because you might not yet be open to feedback from the person you’re sharing with,” Dr. Byrd says.
Dr. Hafeez also recommends staying off this topic in work settings where it can “blur the lines of professionalism and boundaries.”
Discussing your relationship issues with your actual partner can be helpful as you navigate through any tough spots, but Dr. Hafeez recommends being careful about how much you share.
“Expressing every momentary suspicion or irritation as it arises can undermine trust if it becomes habitual,” she notes. “These things can backfire because they sow seeds of pain or distrust that are hard to eradicate.”
She says that honesty in a relationship is important so long as it’s “tempered with discretion as to what will strengthen the marriage rather than weaken it,” adding, “Some thoughts are best mulled over in private, or with a trusted friend or therapist, before a decision is made whether or not to voice them within the marriage.”
9. Personal Details in New Relationships
If you’re dating, Dr. Byrd cautions against oversharing too much too quickly.
“You don’t have to jump in the deep end right away with someone you’re just getting to know,” she says. “I often advise against sharing too much too soon—this might feel exciting, especially in romantic relationships, but it’s important to build a foundation and avoid a self-disclosure hangover. As time goes by, mutually build trust in the relationship.”
And Dr. Hafeez says that you should also be mindful of opening up too much about past relationships with a new partner.
“Comparisons with a previous partner in minute detail can foster insecurity or resentment,” she explains.
How To Know Who To Trust
If you do want to talk about one of these touchy topics, you can—you just have to do so with someone you trust. Colleagues are always going to be tough, says Dr. Byrd, because you can’t ever really know if they have your best interests at heart or if they plan to relay your opinions to others at work.
“Think about the history with the person you’re sharing with,” Dr. Byrd cautions. “Have they ever broken your confidence in the past? Is there someone else who may be a better option to share with?”
Dr. Hafeez says that there are some red flags to watch out for when choosing which friends or family members to share your opinions with. If someone gossips a lot about others, exaggerates information or seems to care more about how entertaining a story is than about the people involved in it—they may not be the best people for you to confide in.
“If you can be vulnerable with them without worrying about getting attacked, betrayed or gossiped about, then you can trust them,” she explains.
Dr. Byrd says you may also be able to trust what “your gut” says about a person or situation, but she adds the only real way to build a relationship that allows vulnerability is to be vulnerable. “You can test the waters by starting [by sharing] things that do not feel too sensitive,” she shares. “As you begin to build comfort, check in with yourself—is it time to share something [bigger] with this person?”
And, when in doubt, Dr. Byrd says you can always open up to a therapist or support group about whatever struggles you’re facing at the moment.
Up Next:
Related: 10 Surprising Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Never, Ever Voice Out Loud, and Why
Sources:
- Dr. Jessica Byrd-Olmstead, licensed psychologist offering psychotherapy services
- Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist anddirector of Comprehend the Mind
