Dear Sangita: I’m secretly dating my boss, Canada Reviews

Sangita Patel is Streets of Toronto’s advice columnist and was previously an entertainment reporter with ET Canada. She lives in Toronto with her husband and two daughters. 

Dear Sangita: I’m secretly dating my boss. It started as just a fling. But things have been getting serious, and I feel like we’re in too deep now. Do I need to come clean to the HR department? I’m worried for my job, and I’m also worried that it’s going to affect our relationship. People like to gossip at work, and I know they’ll make assumptions about us and about my job. What if I just keep it hidden? — HR nightmare

Dear Nightmare:  This is the thing: you’re not supposed to fall in love with people that you work with — but when it does happen, it is a beautiful thing because that means you can cope with each other in a working environment. Often those relationships do well; they last for a long time. But you really should come clean. And do it together, or at least as a united front — your boss has more power in this situation, and they should be the one bringing this up first instead of leaving it to you to deal with. 

When it comes to employee gossip, it’s hard to avoid. You just have to prove your worth. You’ll have to hustle a bit to show that you deserve everything you’ve received at work. But ultimately, there are always going to be people who are jealous at work, and they’re not going to support you regardless. Lean on the people who you know will.  

I’m not sure how large your company is, but another option if you continue dating could be to move into another department under a different boss — or for your partner to make the switch instead. You might find it difficult maintaining your boss-employee relationship. Starting fresh in a new position for either of you may be best.

Dear Sangita: I’ve been in a happy relationship for 12 years — until a strange woman approached me and my husband at the local coffee shop. She said hi and started chatting with him as if she’s known him for years, and my husband behaved the same way. Afterward, he said they’ve both been coming to this coffee shop for years and see each other all the time. It freaked me out. Isn’t it weird that he’s been coming here all this time and struck up this friendship and never mentioned it to me at all? Now I’m seeing everything about our relationship differently. If it was so easy for him to keep this from me, what else is he keeping a secret?  — Before he cheats

Dear Before: Ultimately the question here is can a woman be friends with a man? And I say it’s possible. The fact that he even took you to this coffee shop where he’s been meeting this woman all these years, and that she came up to both of you to say hi, is a very good sign. Neither of them were being secretive; it all sounds very amicable to me. Maybe he has gained some emotional support from this woman, but it seems to be a genuine friendship. If there were something more to it, he wouldn’t have agreed to go to this particular coffee shop with you if there was a risk of running into her. 

I think it would be a waste of time for you to start stressing about this — you have a great relationship. If you really feel uncomfortable with it, I suggest you talk to him about it, rather than creating all these scenarios in your head.

Have a question about love, relationships or life for Sangita? Send it to [email protected] or submit it here.

More from Sangita:

Dear Sangita: I snooped through my partner’s phone and I found something concerning. The question is: Do I go back into his phone to see if he’s still talking to people? Or do I admit to my boyfriend that I snooped and ask him straight out if he’s still using it?