Ange Valentini and Bryce Cochrane rekindled their romance despite living on opposite coasts.Supplied
In this series, Sliding Doors, we explore real-life crossroads that shape personal ambition: Take the leap or play it safe? Move forward or pivot? We talk to real people facing real-life decisions and speak to experts about the ambition and intuition behind these kinds of choices.
Ange Valentini, a divorced mother of three, was focused on building a successful career as a political strategist in Toronto. Then, out of the blue, she received a message from an old flame who had been thinking about her. Would she like to meet up for dinner? The only catch was that he was living in Vancouver.
After a few messages and video calls, Ms. Valentini decided, why not? She flew out to Vancouver to meet Bryce Cochrane, and it didn’t take long for their spark to be reignited. The hard part was deciding where to go from there.
Thirty years ago, Ms. Valentini had stayed in Toronto when Mr. Cochrane took a job on the west coast. She wondered if this time could be different.
Ms. Valentini’s youngest child was just graduating high school and getting ready to go away for school. Mr. Cochrane had younger children and an ex-wife who were firmly rooted on the west coast. If it was going to work out in the long term, Ms. Valentini would have to be the one to move.
There was also her job to consider. “I had spent almost 20 years building my life, advancing in my career and building my professional brand,” says Ms. Valentini. Moving to Vancouver would feel like a step backward, professionally.
In the end, Ms. Valentini decided to take the chance and moved to Vancouver to be with Mr. Cochrane in 2018.
Compare values
It is not uncommon for couples to be in long-distance relationships in our digital age. Relocating to be together, however, is a big decision.
Dr. Karyn Gordon, relationship expert and founder of DK Leadership, says that people should think carefully before moving across the country for love. She tells her clients to first consider whether they share core values as a couple before following their heart. “It’s not enough for there to be physical attraction and chemistry. Their values need to be in sync as well for the relationship to work long-term,” she says.
Dr. Gordon recommends that people list their top five values. Those values could be around areas such as communication, honesty, ambition, financial security, health and wellness, community or faith. If partners don’t share the same values, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
Ms. Valentini and Mr. Cochrane might not always share the same personal or professional interests – she lives and breathes politics while he designs video games – but they know their priorities are in step.
“My kids who are young adult women actually remark on how they are inspired watching the way we care for each other and resolve problems together,” says Ms. Valentini. “Finding true love and the way it impacts my kids has been an unexpected, incredible gift.”
Test drive the relationship
If your relationship passes the values test, Dr. Gordon recommends living together for a trial period before making the move official. “Before you quit your job and pack up your place, I would encourage you to test drive the arrangement for one to three months,” she says. This will help you evaluate how the relationship works before making a commitment.
Ms. Valentini had already begun taking on work projects that would take her to Vancouver to see Mr. Cochrane when serendipity urged them to take the next step. Ms. Valentini had to give up her rental home in Toronto just as her three young adult children were all moving on to new adventures themselves.
The couple took the plunge with a ten-month lease on a furnished house in Vancouver.
“He gave up his bachelor pad and I packed up all of my things to move across the country,” Ms. Valentini says. At the end of the lease, they could decide what to do next.
Research your job prospects
Even if the relationship stars are aligned, it is still risky to sacrifice career stability for the unknown.
Dr. Gordon says that people should first evaluate how important their job is to them. For some, their career is an integral part of their identity while for others, a job is just a job.
“Weigh that out and consider which one is going to be more important when there’s a conflict. Is your relationship or your job going to be more important to you?” she says.
It’s also critical to consider how easy or hard it will be to find a comparable role in a new location. This will vary from industry to industry. Some jobs, like nurses, are in demand almost everywhere. But others are very much rooted in a particular city or region. Dr. Gordon recommends researching the job market and networking online before making the decision to move.
Ms. Valentini was most well-connected in the political circles of Toronto and Ottawa. Still, her skills were transferable to west-coast politics, and she was able to find some clients and projects to soften her landing.
There were trade-offs though. When exciting career opportunities opened up in Vancouver, Ms. Valentini lost out to people with local reputations. At the same time, she had to turn down more than one dream position in Toronto and Ottawa because she had moved.
“I felt like ‘The Little Mermaid,’” she says. “I can have true love, but I’m a singer and I can’t sing any more. I was literally, tearfully saying those words.”
Still, after riding out the pandemic together, the couple was ready to make it official. They got married in Vancouver in 2022, with their kids by their sides, then came back to Toronto to throw a big party for family and friends.
As far as work goes, Ms. Valentini has since built up a new local network and is doing just fine. You might even call her a Vancouverite.
