As I earned my Bachelor of Arts at the University of Calgary in the Canadian province of Alberta, I majored in basketball and volleyball but was also given credit for majoring in communications.
That program allowed me to enrol in several courses in my favourite subject, psychology. And although I fell many years of study short of a PhD, I feel qualified to provide counselling in the field. Seeing a desperate need for clinical care regarding a particularly prevalent mental disorder, I founded the Clinically Registered Association of Psychologists (CRAP) with support from my longtime therapist Dr. May Dupp (Hey Doc – am I nuts? ).
Now, on to the meddlesome mental malady mystifying many.
In pioneering work reminiscent of BIG Media Labs’ Valentine’s Day-inspired inventions (BIG Media Labs announces latest game-changing invention, Going against grain this Valentine’s Day ), I have identified a new mental disorder associated with people who are Triggered Relentlessly Under Manipulative President (TRUMP).
I see it all over every social media platform, in neighbourhood coffee shops, and at business events – people cannot stop talking about the president of the United States. If they talk about him for hours per day, it is reasonable to assume that they are thinking about him that much more.
(Note from the editor: In order to avoid agitating sensitive readers, we do not mention the specific president by name, and we chose to use two photos of Mr. Driscoll from his university days rather than post a photo of the U.S. president. We do this out of concern for those afflicted with TRUMP and to explore whether or not they are also affected negatively by egomaniacal behaviour from another president [of CRAP]. You will notice that the photos were taken before colour was invented, which means Mr. Driscoll has a LOT of experience on which to draw for his new counselling practice.)
For the purposes of this academic paper, those deeply affected – because they blast out notes composed by U.S. political brass, and because they often behave as if they are domesticated animals on a leash, essentially following every command of the Commander & Chief – shall be referred to herein as TRUMPets.
TRUMPets can be both fans and critics of the Wizard of the White House. The common denominator is an unhealthy fixation on a person that most people outside of Florida golf courses do not even know.
For example, if you think about the president more than you think about your children or partner in life, you are a TRUMPet.
A TRUMPet’s disposition can become Stormy, especially in porneighbourhoods. When sufferers are exposed to people attempting to enter a country in single file, TRUMPism can even morph into border line personality disorder.
It is important to understand that there are several subfields within the broad disorder. The first step to healing is recognition, so please join me in this self-diagnosis exercise:
- If you rant about the president from your high horse from dusk to Don, you are a Pulpit TRUMPet.
- If you get riled up to the point of violence thinking about the president, you are a Thump-it TRUMPet.
- If you spend more time talking about the president than you do working on your physical fitness, you are a Crumpet TRUMPet.
- If you do exactly what the president wants, getting distracted by his wild statements and talking about him incessantly, you are a TRUMPet Puppet.
Now that we have a diagnosis, I will introduce the 6 Step Program that helps TRUMPets overcome what to most is a crippling disability. It was devised in my immersive studies on the subject just after my coffee this morning:
Step 1: Look in the mirror, and recite this mantra three times: “It is not healthy to be consumed with someone who is playing games with the media and whose statements should often not be taken seriously.” Er, make that two times.
Step 2: Acknowledge that the U.S. president regularly engages in negotiating gamesmanship. Read The Art of the Deal for more on this.
Step 3: Unless you are a politician or official/leader who has influence on the issues that get you fired up, calm down and carry on … or write a letter and send it to the relevant official while sparing the universe a whole lot of negative energy.
Step 4: Admit to yourself that continually ranting about the U.S. president will have a negative effect on the world. Especially your world.
Step 5: Spend more time enjoying family and friends, working out, or being productive in whatever way you see fit.
Step 6: Speak this mantra once: “Donald who?”
If this treatment regimen fails to ease symptoms, leave a comment below and I will provide live chat support.
