Let’s be honest: It’s hard for any child to go through life without getting scolded—heck, it even happens to adults in the workforce.
“Scolding can be defined as raising your voice, using a harsh tone to correct a behavior or action and constantly criticizing,” says Dr. Arlene Martinez, Psy.D, LMFT, the clinical director of Newport Healthcare Orange County.
It doesn’t feel good, especially to a developing child. Chronic scolding can have lifelong impacts.
“Children rely on balanced affection,” explains Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP, a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC. “While it is important to incorporate boundaries and discipline, heavy-handed parenting could compromise a child’s self-esteem and confidence.”
As a result, psychologists say that people who felt they were constantly scolded as children often develop these traits.
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Criticized as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10 Telltale Traits of People Who Were Constantly Scolded as Children, According to Psychologists
1. Low self-esteem
Self-esteem is understandably low in people who were constantly scolded as children, which can often manifest as the person being their own No. 1 critic.
“People who feel as though they were constantly scolded as a child are more likely to think of themselves as not good enough,” shares Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “They become highly critical of themselves, mostly out of the habit of needing to be doing better or doing more.”
2. Chronic need for external validation
Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City, says it’s common for people who were constantly yelled at as children to display people-pleasing behaviors in their never-ending quest for the external validation they lacked in childhood.
“They might prioritize others’ approval and validation, going out of their way to please others or seek external validation of their decisions,” she explains.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Perfectionism
A fear of failure, which results from chronically feeling like a failure, is at the heart of this impossible pursuit of perfectionism.
“Individuals who show perfectionist tendencies tend to develop a fear of failure because they seek flawlessness to prevent criticism and disappointment, and this behavior results in stress and burnout,” Dr. Stratyner says.
4. Overcompensation
Often, people who felt frequently scolded as kids may not stop at striving for perfection. They may act like they’re perfect. Others may feel like every conversation resembles a job interview. The person is always rattling off their brag sheet.
“Because they understand the ramifications of disappointing others, they make sure their strong suits are always on display,” Dr. Leno says.
5. Defensiveness
The desire to achieve and appear perfect can snowball and manifest as defensiveness.
“Defense mechanisms, to some extent, shield us from harm,” Dr. Leno says. “However, an adult who was excessively scolded as a child may use defensiveness as a primary coping mechanism, making them difficult to be around.”
6. Communication struggles
Defensiveness isn’t the only communication pain point for people brought up in this environment.
“If you grow up in a home where the primary means of communicating with others is via scolding, healthy communication tends to be challenging in adulthood,” Dr. Goldman says. “Communication around emotions, thoughts and boundaries might be quite difficult. Even more so, a person who is fearful of being scolded might become rather introverted.”
She explains they might develop a thought pattern like, “If I do not speak or if I am not seen, I might not get yelled at.”
7. Anxiety
Dr. Goldman says that people who felt constantly scolded as children are highly aware of others’ critical lens. It can be anxiety-provoking in a Chicken Little, sky-is-falling way (even when the sky is secure).
“These individuals might worry often, feel anxious when there is seemingly no need to be anxious,” she explains. “They might be more sensitive to the reactions of others and feel a sense of something bad is about to happen.”
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
8. Fear of conflict
Dr. Stratyner says a specific fear in people who were always yelled at as children is of conflict. It’s protective after a lifetime of conversations with adult caregivers that felt like conflicts.
“Individuals who experienced frequent scolding during their upbringing may develop a fear of conflict that pushes them to avoid any form of disagreement or confrontation to escape emotional suffering,” she explains.
9. Fear of authority
Another common source of fear? Authority, which can become especially harmful career-wise.
“Adults may feel intimidated by authority figures, especially in the workplace, often associating guidance with punishment or criticism,” Dr. Martinez says.
10. Difficulty with emotional regulation
We experience a spectrum of emotions as kids. However, Dr. Martinez says adults may struggle with anger, stress and frustration because they never learned the emotional tools to manage these emotions. In fact, they may have learned the opposite from adults who constantly resorted to raising their voices when they were angry, stressed and frustrated.
Related: People Who Were ‘Constantly Excluded’ in Childhood Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
5 Ways To Heal From Lingering Effects of Being Constantly Scolded in Childhood
1. Recognize the problem
Dr. Leno notes that you can’t work through problems you don’t know that you have.
“You may notice that relationships are short-lived because of constant conflicts,” she explains. “Instead of dismissing the criticism, consider making some changes.”
2. Reflect
Dr. Leno suggests reflecting on childhood experiences and how being scolded made you feel.
“How does it affect you now?” She suggests asking yourself. “Is it OK to make others feel bad?”
3. Create emotional safe zones
Dr. Stratyner explains that these are places where you can express your emotions freely without fear of judgment. Activities you might engage in while in an emotional safe zone include journaling, reading, talking to a friend or attending therapy.
“These spaces provide a secure environment to experience and express suppressed emotions, which helps reduce your emotional weight,” she adds.
4. Deliberately break people-pleasing behaviors
Set yourself free by pausing before responding to invites, favors and other requests.
“Before making any commitment in the future, always check whether it genuinely matches your desires,” Dr. Stratyner says. “Choosing to prioritize your needs instead of pleasing others helps you set personal boundaries.”
5. Creative ‘do-over’ moments
No one is perfect, and you deserve some grace. Create it.
“When you make a mistake in a conversation, like raising your voice or making a hurtful comment, say, ‘Can we have a do-over?’ and reset the moment,” Dr. Stratyner recommends. “This offers both of you a chance to start fresh, reducing the weight of past mistakes and encouraging growth and forgiveness.”
6. Find a therapist
It took a lifetime to get to this place. Digging out can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone.
“Seeking professional help and trusting the positive relationships you have created can help develop healthy coping strategies in life,” Dr. Martinez says.
Up Next:
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
Expert Sources:
- Dr. Arlene Martinez, Psy.D, LMFT, the clinical director of Newport Healthcare Orange County
- Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP, a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
- Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, Ph.D., a psychologist in New York City
