Today’s generation of gentle parents is now holding space, in millennial speak, for the anti-sharing stance, as the guiding principle of their ideology is to view children as people deserving of respect and not blind followers of ‘do what I say’ parenting.SanyaSM/Getty Images
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, I had lost all my marbles.
Specifically, a random bag of blue marbles the dentist had awarded to my eldest daughter was now my nemesis. It had suddenly become the be-all end-all to my little girls.
I kept saying the same thing over (and over and over) again and expecting my kid to miraculously listen: “Share with your sister! Let her have a turn! Let her hold them! Just share! Be a nice sister!”
They were about to come to fisticuffs over whose marbles they really were – a scene that has played out countless times in our house. I felt myself deregulating, as they say in the social-media parenting world, so I took a step back and just observed. And then it hit me: My eldest, declaring “mine, mine, mine!” was right. She didn’t have to share a thing.
Generations of children, myself included, have been expected to immediately hand our things to others when asked. And generations of parents have had their parenting skills judged on how well their kid shares. I flashed back to the beloved Care Bears of my childhood, which were featured in a 1980s public service announcement in which Share Bear – the nicest of all the bears – tells two kids fighting over a popsicle that “sharing is a sure way to keep cool.”
I told my daughter then and there that sharing is not actually caring – or, more accurately, caring about someone does not mean you have to share with them. You earned your marbles, kid. And guess what? Mom often doesn’t want to share her things either – and I can’t actually remember the last time I did.
If an acquaintance asked me if they could wear my favourite bracelet, a cherished souvenir from a long-ago girls’ trip? If my best friend in the whole world, whom I love more than anything, asked me to give her my morning coffee? If my husband wanted to read my book when I’m half-way through? Mine, mine, mine.
Possessive behaviour is the norm for young kids, says Vanessa Lapointe, a Vancouver-based child-development expert and author. “Children, by design, are egocentric and that’s not a problem. They’re meant to choose themselves first,” she said.
Lapointe points out that while some temperamentally chill kids might be happy to share, young children’s brains are not developmentally advanced enough to hold the two ideas logically needed to do it.
“They’re just not able, at age four, to think ‘I really want this toy’, and also ‘you really want this toy and I don’t want you to be sad’ at the same time. It’s like asking them to do an algebraic equation.”
Some might say we already live in a mine, mine, mine world – and we don’t have to look too far to see where a me-first attitude can get us.
But I’d offer a different perspective: Maybe setting boundaries, saying no, sticking up for what we want – and worrying less about what others might think – is the behaviour we all need to embrace in this cultural moment.
Today’s generation of gentle parents is now holding space, in millennial speak, for the anti-sharing stance, as the guiding principle of their ideology is to view children as people deserving of respect and not blind followers of “do what I say” parenting.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, perhaps the most popular gentle parenting expert on the internet, addressed the topic on her podcast, Good Inside, in an episode called “It’s okay to not share.” As she put it: “Not sharing in childhood sets kids up to be able to prioritize their own needs and to have things in life that they want for themselves.”
Still, others say that in daycares and early-years programs, sharing is a skill that needs to be taught. Julie Hansen, an early-childhood education consultant in Halfmoon Bay, B.C., says young kids can and should learn the building blocks of sharing early on. Asking for a turn with a toy, negotiating a trade for another toy and responding respectfully to a request should be taught by teachers and adults.
“We won’t create pushovers – we’ll create empowered individuals,” Hansen said. “If we teach and encourage young children to say, ‘When I’m finished, I’ll let you know. I see you, but it’s my turn right now’ – how empowering is that?”
I know this rationally, but in the heat of the parenting moment, I had been constantly forcing my kids to mindlessly give over their most beloved items. Lapointe’s explanation for why I’ve been doing this is pretty profound.
“You are every age you’ve ever been,” she said. “Every version of you is inside of you right now. The four-year-old inside of you is looking at the four-year-old outside of you – your kid – and saying ‘you better share because that’s the nice thing to do! If we don’t share we won’t be considered a nice girl.’”
I was not expecting free therapy, but here I was. I took a moment to process what Lapointe told me, and soon realized that my people-pleasing inner kid – who was told to be the good, well-behaved girl, so was always accommodating and quick to share her things – was still present. Not to be a meme on the internet, meeting my younger self for coffee, but after I hung up, I tried to tell that version of myself we should do things a bit differently now.
Now, when my kids fight over a singular insignificant thing, sometimes they’ll give it up to the other and sometimes they won’t, but I try my best not to intervene. It’s up to them – and not me nor my inner child – and I’ll let the marbles fall where they may.