Parents and grandparents often want to enter a child’s world. Questions are an excellent way to get inside their heads and hearts by gaining information. There’s no such thing as a “stupid” question. However, some inquiries can (often unintentionally) cause short and long-term confusion and even harm.
“Even if we believe that the questions we ask children are well-intentioned, sometimes they can promote negative self-perceptions and create anxiety in children,” says Dr. Joe Vaccaro, Psy.D., the executive director of Southern California, Newport Healthcare.
He explains that avoiding specific questions is one way to help kids feel valued and understood without contributing to a culture of comparison and criticism. If any of the following sound familiar, you’re not a “bad” parent or grandparent. However, it’s never too late to change course.
Dr. Vaccaro and another psychologist share the 10 questions they want parents and grandparents to stop asking (and why), along with better ways to become part of a kid’s world.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
10 Questions To Avoid Asking Children, According to Child Psychologists
1. “Why are you so shy?”
This question is common, especially if a child is slower to open up around family and friends (which can make parents and grandparents uncomfortable). However, it plants seeds of self-doubt in kids.
“This question can make the child feel like there is something wrong with their personality or socialization skills,” Dr. Vaccaro points out. “It can make them feel less confident and socially anxious if they didn’t think they were shy to begin with.”
Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying
2. “Why are you so sensitive?”
Childhood and adolescence are critical times to learn about emotional regulation and that “all feelings are valid even if all behaviors are not.” However, Dr. Vaccaro warns that this question can have the opposite effect.
“Calling a child sensitive can invalidate their feelings and emotions and can ultimately teach them to suppress or hide their feelings instead of managing them in a healthy way through open communication with their parents,” he says.
3. “What’s wrong with you?”
This one is short but not sweet.
“It’s hard to picture this question as one that anyone, child or adult, can hear as well-meaning,” says Dr. Maddy Brener, Psy.D., who treats children and teens with Thriveworks in San Diego. “If a child is messing up, they need clear, direct, specific correction—not the implication that they are simply ‘wrong’ or bad.”
Related: 11 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing
4. “Aren’t you too old for that?”
This one is another one to think twice about asking a person of any age. However, people may be more likely to take a beat before letting this question rip with an older adult. Kids can also feel icky.
“Questioning a child’s developmental milestone can create a feeling of shame and make the child feel like they need to rush growing up, even if they enjoy doing those things, like playing with certain toys or needing a hug from a parent,” Dr. Vaccaro explains.
5. “Why are you acting like that?”
See also: “Why are you saying or doing that?”
“Questions like this convey expectations of more insight and self-regulation than may be developmentally reasonable,” Dr. Brener says. “They are also vague and can create confusion for the child as to which of their behaviors/words are undesirable.”
She suggests being more specific, such as saying, “We need to be quiet in the library.”
“Specific statements and questions…make both the undesired behaviors and preferred corrections much more apparent,” she explains.
Related: 6 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Saying ASAP
6. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
The question can also trigger long-term self-doubt.
“This question can instill self-doubt and insecurity about whether or not they’re doing the ‘right’ thing,” Dr. Brener says.
7. “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?”
“Comparison is the thief of joy” and “every kid is different” may sound passé, but these clichés hold significant truth.
“Making a comparison like this one to a child can strongly damage their self-esteem and create resentment towards the person or child they are being compared to,” Dr. Vaccaro says.
Related: 12 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Stop Saying to a Youngest Child
8. “Why aren’t you getting good grades in school?”
While the question is understandable if a child is floundering or struggling, Dr. Vaccaro advises caregivers to exercise caution.
“Asking this question can place excessive pressure on the child’s performance at school and make them feel like their worth is dependent on the grades they receive,” he explains.
Instead, Dr. Vaccaro recommends starting conversations about school performance with something less jarring and more we-oriented, such as, “I noticed that your math grade is lower than it used to be. Do you want to discuss it? Maybe we can get you some extra help.”
9. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
It’s so easy to ask and you may have been on the receiving end too.
“This question isn’t always bad, but shouldn’t be the go-to, especially without first finding out about who the kiddo is today,” Dr. Brener says.
Here’s why:
“When all of an adult’s attention is placed on the child’s future and not their present, it can make them feel like nothing they’re doing now is interesting or worthwhile,” Dr. Brener explains. “It can also add to the immense performance pressure that younger and younger kids are feeling these days.”
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 12 Behaviors
10. “Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
Dr. Brener advises against asking any unsolicited heteronormative questions about crushes/partners, including but not limited to such as asking an assigned female child if she has a boyfriend or an assigned male child if he has a girlfriend.
“These questions implicitly convey that only a heteronormative coupling would be acceptable, which can create shame in children who are in a stage of questioning their attractions,” she explains. “They can also carry the implication that a child is somehow ‘behind’ if they are not coupled up or even interested in romantic relationships yet, which can instill shame and potentially lead to children engaging in romantic or sexual behaviors before they are ready in order to ‘keep up’ with peers.”
Related: If You Display These 7 Behaviors, Psychologists Say You’re the Emotional Anchor in Your Family
3 Better Questions To Ask the Kid, Tween or Teen in Your Life
1. “Do you need me to listen, fix it, be near you or give you space?”
Honestly, people of any age can benefit from hearing this one.
“When kids are going through a hard time, it can be very tempting to jump in and advise or fix,” Dr. Brener says. “Just like adults, however, that isn’t always the most helpful thing.”
She explains how this question gives kids autonomy and respect to clarify their needs, strengthening your bond and trust. Also? You’re more likely to get answers when the child trusts you’re genuinely listening to hear them rather than drop (however well-intentioned) knowledge.
Related: A Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Adopt These 10 ‘House Rules’ ASAP
2. “How are you feeling about this?”
Give the child the floor to direct the conversation.
“This question gives the child the opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings and emotions in a safe and non-judgmental way and allows them to share how much or little they want to,” Dr. Vaccaro says.
Related: 6 Things a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Doing ASAP
3. “What was the best part of your day?”
Look for a bright spot, even in darker times, with an open-ended question that beats the “fine-inducing:” “How was your day?”
“This question focuses on the positive things that come to mind when asked and allows the child to open up about parts of their day that their parents and grandparents might not have been a part of,” Dr. Vaccaro explains.
Up Next:
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Scolded as Children Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Expert Sources:
- Dr. Joe Vaccaro, Psy.D., the executive director of Southern California, Newport Healthcare
- Dr. Maddy Brener, Psy,D., who treats children and teens with Thriveworks in San Diego
