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These days, many parents and grandparents apologize to kids after they make a mistake, use gentle parenting practices, and are intentional about what phrases to use or avoid. Families seem to be more focused than ever on figuring out how to raise emotionally intelligent children.
What does this mean, exactly? According to Mental Health America, emotional intelligence (EI) is “the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. There are five key elements to EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.”
Here, Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade about the six behaviors she swears by to help loved ones raise an emotionally intelligent child.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
Courtesy Dr. Caroline Fleck
How To Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child: 6 Best Ways, According to a Clinical Psychologist
1. Validate yourself
“We learn through observation,” Dr. Fleck says. “One of the best ways to teach children how to identify and validate their emotions is to show them how it’s done.”
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
2. Ask yourself, “Should I respond with validation or problem-solving?“
“When someone comes to us with an issue, our inclination is to offer solutions—we want to help them feel better,” Dr. Fleck shares. “As caregivers, this inclination is on overdrive as we’re biologically driven to protect our kids from pain and the problems that cause them. The problem with problem-solving, however, is that often when people come to us with an issue, they’re not looking for us to resolve it; they’re seeking validation. This is particularly the case with kiddos, who defer to the adults in their lives to help them understand and make sense of the world. That’s not to say you can’t follow up with problem-solving or offer advice after validating, but at any one moment, you can only do one or the other.”
Related: The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: ‘It Changes Everything’
3. Label emotions
“Label your emotions, their emotions, fictional characters’ emotions, even the dog’s emotions if you’ve got a sense of humor or a really expressive dog,” Dr. Fleck recommends. “The more emotions are acknowledged, described and normalized, the easier it is for a child to pattern-match.”
4. Differentiate feeling from behavior
“Being frustrated is different from throwing a toy across the room,” Dr. Fleck says. “A kid’s way of expressing emotions may be problematic, but the emotions themselves are often valid. It may be appropriate for a child to feel guilt after acting out, but we never want them to feel ashamed of who they are or how they feel.”
Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
5. Disclose
“Few things are as validating to a child as hearing that you, whom they idolize, reacted similarly when you were their age,” Dr. Fleck explains. “And if they’re handling the situation even better than you did?! Well, that’s up there with getting cake and ice cream at the same time.”
Related: If You Use These 3 Phrases, You Have Higher Emotional Intelligence Than Most, Psychologists Say
6. Have deference
“It’s easy to see children’s emotions as less meaningful as adults’,” Dr. Fleck says. “The distress a kiddo feels over a popped balloon is nothing compared to the panic of losing your passport when traveling abroad. While that may be true, to some extent, we must be careful not to minimize or trivialize a child’s emotions as insignificant. Sadness feels sad, full stop.”
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Source:
Courtesy Dr. Caroline Fleck
- Caroline Fleck, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University, and a business consultant. She received her doctorate in psychology and neuroscience from Duke University and holds a BA in English and psychology from the University of Michigan. She is an expert in evidence-based treatments for individuals, couples and parents, including DBT and cognitive behavioral therapy.
