Is your kid 18? Here are 11 life skills they should have mastered by now | Canada Voices

There was a memorable week this past winter when all of my son’s high school exams were cancelled due to whiteout conditions. He spent five days lounging around the house. Meanwhile, I was overloaded with work, struggling to do everything that needed to be done.

When my son, lying on the couch, casually asked, “What’s for dinner?” I realized I could delegate that task to him. There was a small amount of grumbling, but soon he set off for the grocery store with a backpack and credit card. The resulting meal was a success; I felt less stressed, and he was proud of what he’d made.

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It got me thinking about the modern parental tendency to handle most things ourselves and expect minimal help from our kids. This may be a well-intentioned effort to spare them unnecessary work, to let them focus on school, sports and other pursuits, perhaps even to give them an idyllic childhood of sorts, but it deprives them of crucial lessons in how to function optimally in the world.

What should an 18-year-old, poised on the brink of independence, be able to do? The following list is a mix of my own advice, gleaned from personal experience and professional research, and a checklist created by Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, in her 2015 book, How to Raise an Adult.

Any high school graduate about to strike out on their own should be able to do the following:

1. Talk to strangers. Whether it’s a store clerk, a professor, a landlord or a coworker, a young adult should know how to carry on a polite, engaging and undistracted conversation, with eye contact.
2. Navigate new locations. An 18-year-old must be able to navigate new locations and work out challenging logistics without needing a parental chauffeur.
3. Manage their time. Keeping track of their own schedule and workload without reminders from a parent.
4. Cope with adversity. At 18, kids must be able to cope with the ups and downs of life, realizing that obstacles are a normal part of life and must be confronted regularly.
5. Handle conflict. Handling most interpersonal conflicts without falling apart emotionally or relying on parental or professional intervention is key.
6. Remain focused. Knowing how to focus and resist letting their attention be fragmented. They should know what it feels like to enter a highly productive flow state.
7. Help run a household. Kids at this age should be able to see what needs to be done (cleaning, cooking, laundry, snow removal) and take initiative without being asked.
8. Care for themselves. At this age, kids should take full charge of self-maintenance, waking themselves up in the morning, dressing and grooming appropriately, exercising sufficiently, eating well.
9. Earn and manage money. They should know what it takes to hold a job, how much things cost and the importance of living within one’s means.
10. Take risks. They could join a new team, take an unusual course or travel somewhere faraway. They should be able to take risks and move forward in life without needing a path to be perfectly clear in order for it to be worth pursuing.
11. Sit alone with their thoughts. For at least an hour or two, an 18-year-old shouldn’t need a phone to distract them the moment things get slightly quiet or boring.

It is important to realize that training for these basic life skills starts essentially from day one. It is cumulative, requiring parents to put in significant time and effort, first to demonstrate how things are done, then to supervise their kids and finally to step back altogether to let the kids do it independently.

Over time, this approach makes life easier for both parents and teens. Parents do progressively less, knowing that their child can care for themselves, while the teen grows increasingly self-confident and excited by impending independence. This approach is not neglectful but rather recognizes that equipping a child with life skills is a tremendous gift.

Psychologist Martin Seligman says it is crucial that humans experience “contingency,” which means knowing that their actions matter and affect outcomes. Children who experience “noncontingency,” which happens when parents do everything for them, can end up with “passivity, depression and poor physical health.”

My son has now made dinner numerous times since that snowy night. Unprompted, he told me he’s feeling better about his ability to feed himself when he goes to university in two years. The parental urge to protect a child from life’s struggles is natural, but it cannot replace training. Give your kid practical skills, and they will thank you someday.