After endless swiping and bad dates, it’s a huge sigh of relief when you meet someone whose presence you can not only tolerate but actually like. Finally, you have someone to grab dinner with after a stressful day of work and someone to cuddle with while watching (or not watching) Netflix. But if you’ve been hanging out for a few months and there doesn’t seem to be any progress, you may be in a situationship, not a relationship.
“A situationship is an ambiguous relationship. It may last short-term or it may last long-term. It may turn into a relationship or it might not,” says relationship therapistNedra Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Though situationships tend to get a bad rap, Tawwab says they can actually be a good thing as long as both people are on the same page. But if one person wants to be in a committed relationship, being in a situationship can make you feel anxious and stuck. If you’re not sure whether you’re in a situationship or not, the below list can clue you in.
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12 Signs You’re in a Situationship, According to Therapists
1. You haven’t DTRed (“defined the relationship”)
Tawwab says that a hallmark of a situationship is not having the “what are we” conversation.
“If you don’t have any clarity about what the relationship is, what each person’s role is, and where it’s going, that’s a situationship,” she explains. As you can likely guess a relationship therapist would say, communication is key.
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2. You don’t use titles
Has the person ever introduced you as their girlfriend? Have you introduced them as your girlfriend or boyfriend? If not, Tawwab says that this is another sign that you are likely in a situationship, not a relationship. It’s part of not defining the relationship. The boyfriend/girlfriend titles are a natural evolution after that conversation.
3. The general sentiment is one of ambivalence
“A key ingredient to a situationship is ambivalence—strong [and mixed] feelings one way or another in terms of both wanting closeness and also safe distance,” says psychologist Dr. Aimee Martinez, PsyD. Feeling ambivalence is a feeling of not knowing if you want to be in a relationship or not.
4. The other person’s actions don’t match their words
“The best way to spot ambivalence is if someone’s mouth goes one way and their feet go another way,” Dr. Martinez says.
She explains that if the person says that they will do something and then doesn’t act accordingly, pay attention to that. For example, if the person says they’ll text you to make plans to hang out later in the week and then they don’t, that’s ambivalence in action.
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5. You’re open to dating other people
If there are still dating apps on your phone—or you suspect the other person is still actively swiping—you’re in situationship territory. If you don’t know whether or not the other person is dating other people, both experts say that speaks volumes too.
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6. There aren’t any rules
If the person you’re dating is heading out of town for the weekend, are they required to let you know? Can they share a hotel room with a single person of the same sexual orientation? Both experts say that while relationships have rules and expectations, situationships don’t.
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7. You only see each other sporadically
“Another sign that you’re in a situationship is if you only see the other person about once a month or at certain events,” Tawwab says.
For example, you may know you’ll see the person at a friend’s party and that you’ll go home together. But neither one of you texts the other person to actively make plans to hang out.
8. One or both of you don’t act like you’re in a relationship
While someone in a committed relationship may check in with their significant other before making weekend plans with friends or planning a spontaneous getaway, people in a situationship don’t. To Tawwab’s earlier point, a situationship isn’t always a bad thing. If what you want most right now is freedom, a situationship may be more in line with what you are looking for.
9. The conversations are pretty surface-level
Sure, you may know that the person you’re dating likes Stranger Things and hates espresso martinis, but do you know anything deeper about them? As both experts reiterate, communication is a hallmark of committed relationships and a lack of communication is a sign of a situationship.
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10. You aren’t making future plans
Conversations about spending the holidays together, if you want kids and where you want to live in the future are all topics that people wanting to be in a relationship have. Both experts say that if you aren’t talking about the future in these ways with the person you’re dating, it’s likely because one or both of you may not be all that interested in spending your future together.
11. You feel anxious
“If you’re in a situationship and you don’t want a relationship, you’ll feel as cool as a cucumber. But if you do want a relationship, it can make you feel [anxious],” Dr. Martinez says. The nagging question of where you stand with the other person can range from feeling uneasy to overwhelming.
The only way to put an end to it, according to Dr. Martinez, is communication.
“How the other person responds will give you a lot of useful information about where they are at emotionally,” she says. “This can help clarify expectations and allow for choices to be made in order to move forward in a thoughtful way.”
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12. It’s not evolving
This is a biggie. Both experts say that if the relationship isn’t gaining momentum, it’s a situationship. If you’ve been dating the person for a prolonged amount of time but haven’t met their friends or family, your conversations aren’t getting deeper, and you aren’t making future plans together, it isn’t progressing into a relationship.
If this list of signs made you realize that you’re in a situationship but you really want to be in a relationship, you aren’t necessarily doomed to stay stagnant forever. “A situationship can turn into a relationship if it’s what both people want, but it must be communicated,” Tawwab says.
That requires speaking up about what you actually want. If the other person feels differently, at least you’ll know. And now that you’re aware of the situationship signs, it can inform how you choose to date in the future.
Up Next:
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Sources
- Nedra Tawwab, MSW, LCSW, relationship therapist, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
- Dr. Aimee Martinez, PsyD, licensed therapist
