On the surface, “people-pleasing” sounds nice—it’s natural and caring to think about other people’s feelings. However, people-pleasers—or individuals who put others’ needs and requests ahead at the expense of their physical or mental well-being—fall into a harmful cycle.
“Pleasing people often masquerades as kindness or flexibility, but when left unchecked, it can lead to burnout, resentment and a loss of connection to your own truth,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.
Dr. McGeehan says that self-awareness is step one toward forming authentic relationships that don’t feel like obligations. What you often say can provide clues into whether or not you’re a people pleaser. She shares seven common people-pleasing phrases and tips for breaking free of your never-ending quest to satisfy others, even when your cup is dry.
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
7 Common Phrases People-Pleasers Use, According to a Psychologist
1. “I’m fine.”
“I’m fine” is usually a people pleaser’s go-to response to “How are you?” The problem?
“This is often said when someone is not fine but doesn’t want to inconvenience others or seem too emotional,” Dr. McGeehan points out. “It’s an avoidance tactic that protects others from discomfort while denying their own truth. It can also be the result of a person genuinely not knowing what they are feeling, what they need or what they are thinking.”
Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘It’s OK’ When It’s Really Not OK, According to Psychologists
2. “Whatever works for you.”
Dr. McGeehan explains that this one sounds cooperative on a surface level but urges people pleasers who use this phrase on the regular to dig deeper.
“Underneath, it’s a default for people pleasers who are uncomfortable stating their preferences for fear they’ll upset or disappoint others,” she reveals.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Women To Remove These 15 Phrases from Their Vocabulary
3. “I’m so sorry!”
Apologies are important when they are necessary, but people pleasers will often use this phrase when they haven’t done anything wrong.
“Frequent apologies, especially for things outside someone’s control, are a way people pleasers try to keep the peace and avoid conflict,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It stems from the belief that taking blame equals being lovable or safe.”
Related: 10 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘Sorry’ as a Reflex, According to a Therapist
4. “Let me know if you need anything.”
To be clear, Dr. McGeehan doesn’t recommend swearing off this phrase, but she says it’s important to understand it has its time and place.
“While this can be genuine, it’s often over-offered by people pleasers as a way to gain approval or be indispensable,” she clarifies. “This phrase is less about actual capacity and more about performing helpfulness to stay useful.”
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
5. “I don’t want to be a burden.”
Dr. McGeehan reports that this phrase is so revealing of a belief that your needs are “too much.”
“Rather than take up space or ask for support, they shrink themselves to avoid rejection,” she says. “While there is truth to it, the driver here is fear of abandonment.”
Related: 9 Subtle Ways You Could Be Self-Sabotaging Your Happiness, According to a Psychologist
6. “I just want everyone to be happy.”
Dr. McGeehan commonly hears people use this phrase to justify self-sacrifice.
“It sounds noble but usually masks a fear of being seen as selfish or of being rejected if others feel discomfort,” she warns.
7. “No worries at all—I’ve got it!”
Dr. McGeehan actually does have concerns when she hears people default to this phrase.
“It’s said while picking up slack, overextending themselves or constantly staying busy and being helpful,” she explains. “I see this a lot with my over-functioners, and it’s meant to maintain control and appear endlessly capable, even at their own expense.”
Related: 7 Signs of ‘High-Functioning Depression,’ According to a Columbia-Trained Psychiatrist
3 Tips for People-Pleasers Ready for Change
1. Practice pausing before saying ‘yes’
Dr. McGeehan reports that people-pleasers often reflexively respond, but there is power in pausing.
“Creating a small buffer—even 10 seconds—to ask ‘Do I want to?’ interrupts the autopilot and builds internal trust,” she says. “Usually, if someone is trying to break this habit, even a few seconds can help them realize what they actually want.”
Related: 9 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Saying Yes, According to Psychologists
2. Say what you need, even if it’s uncomfortable
This one may not come naturally at first, but it will feel less out of character for you over time.
“Speaking your needs strengthens your nervous system’s capacity to tolerate discomfort,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It rewires the idea that having needs is dangerous or burdensome.”
If it’s too challenging at first, she suggests an intermediary step: “You may have to start with getting to know what you want and need in the first place and then work up to saying it out loud,” she says.
Related: 6 Polite Phrases To Tell Someone You’re Not Interested, According to a Psychologist
3. Let someone else be disappointed
It’s OK—promise.
“Disappointment is a natural part of relationships,” Dr. McGeehan reassures people. “Allowing others to experience it without rushing to fix it proves to your inner child that love isn’t earned through perfection or overgiving. The right people will understand, and being honest with someone will always strengthen a relationship if it’s a relationship worth having.”
Up Next:
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Source:
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist
