“Peacekeeper” sounds like a noble profession, but women often find themselves on a never-ending mission to fill this role, often to their detriment. One psychologist explains that women receive the template for this role via social cues they pick up starting in early childhood.
“Most girls are socialized to be ‘good girls’ and therefore taught to attune to those around them rather than themselves,” reports Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “This creates an early dynamic of ignoring their needs in the quest to be accepted.”
The result? Women often internalize the idea that harmony is more important than the truth. Unfortunately, it can lead to burnout, resentment and even physical and mental health issues—and Dr. McGeehan warns that peacekeeping is more prevalent in relationships with power dynamics that leave women vulnerable, like ones where someone has the upper hand professionally, emotionally or financially.
What you say can reveal a great deal about whether you are trying to play the role of perpetual diplomat or chronic people-pleaser. Psychologists share 11 phrases women often use to keep the peace, but warn that they often come at a cost. Plus, how to shed the pressure to keep everyone else happy.
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11 Phrases Women Use To Keep the Peace, Psychologists Warn
1. “It’s fine.”
Cue the narrator. “Often, it’s not fine,” Dr. McGeehan says.
So, unsurprisingly, all three psychologists we spoke to mentioned this phrase.
“It’s harmful because women are dismissing their own discomfort, which can accumulate over time and damage the trust in the relationship, especially when someone else is taking them at their word,” shares Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist.
One psychologist noticed she defaulted to this phrase and has since intentionally made an effort to stop using it unless she really does feel fine.
“It’s easy to say to make someone else feel better about a wrong that may have been done, but it shuts down your own needs and teaches others your needs can be ignored or are unimportant,” says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners.
Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘It’s OK’ When It’s Really Not OK, According to Psychologists
2. “Let’s not make a big deal of it.”
Dr. MacBride notices women usually use this one in situations where feelings are tense, but the “peacekeeper” is worried that they’ll get labeled “dramatic” or “too much.”
“The problem here is that it minimizes harm done and invalidates the speaker’s feelings in the process—double whammy,” she warns.
3. “I’m probably overthinking this.”
This phrase is an exercise in people-pleasing and self-sabotage.
“This is a phrase that can signal when a woman is about to self-censor,” Dr. MacBride reveals. “Sometimes, we shut ourselves down before anyone else can do it for us. Sometimes, decades of self-doubt result in women picking up where others have left off.”
4. “I just want everyone to get along.”
This phrase sounds well-meaning, but Dr. MacBride reports that it often enters a woman’s “rotation” early in life because of social conditioning to be a “good girl.”
“The messaging was, ‘It’s your job to make sure no one else had uncomfortable feelings or experiences,'” she says. “It’s a message about being in charge of other people’s emotions.”
Indeed, this phrase shows how we can carry the messages we got in childhood into adulthood, even the harmful ones.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Women To Remove These 15 Phrases from Their Vocabulary
5. “Sorry.”
Dr. McGeehan concedes it’s a word, not a phrase, but she’s not sorry about bringing it up.
“I hear it being used with women so frequently that it’s worth mentioning,” she shares. “Women overapologize in so many situations, especially those where they are fearful of taking up space. It has become as common as breathing air.”
Do any of these examples sound familiar?
“We use it when we’ve walked in the same direction as someone and most certainly when we’ve had the audacity to voice our unique thought process,” Dr. McGeehan says. “It’s used as a filler to take tension out of a situation that may not even be there.”
Related: 10 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘Sorry’ as a Reflex, According to a Therapist
6. “Just.”
Sure, it’s another single word, but Dr. MacBride doesn’t like how it qualifies whatever comes next.
“Adding a qualifier like ‘just’ is dismissive of feelings, needs and requests,” she explains. “This qualifier softens, minimizes and signals an insecurity on the part of the asker. People will take you less seriously and are more ready to decline to fulfill your request.”
The tough-love takeaway: “If you don’t believe you deserve to take up space in the room, then others likely won’t either,” she notes.
Related: People Who Were ‘Overly Neglected’ in Childhood Often Display These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
7. “I totally understand if that’s too much.“
Dr. McGeehan notes that women pull out this phrase when they’re already anticipating that their needs won’t get met and want to keep everything hunky-dory anyway. In addition to wanting to keep others happy, she says women use this one to self-preserve, even though it has the opposite effect.
“This woman is trying to give someone an out so she doesn’t have to risk being rejected,” she explains. “In doing so, she tells herself that her needs are a burden and is actually teaching the other person the same message as well, because at the end of the day, we teach people how to treat us.”
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
8. “I’ll do it.”
Context matters here. This phrase isn’t toxic if you want or need to do something and have the capacity to complete the job. However, Dr. Schiff sees it veer into toxic peacekeeping territory.
“‘I’ll do it’ can sometimes be said automatically, either in a group or household setting…often to avoid conflict and appear helpful,” she explains. “However, the woman is now taking on extra work without addressing the unfairness of it, which can lead to frustration and emotional exhaustion.”
9. “Whatever works for you.”
OK, but will the choice work for you?
“This phrase is a way to avoid appearing demanding and inflexible, but it is only superficially generous,” Dr. MacBride explains. “Being the person who always adapts comes at a steep cost: Your agency and identity.”
Related: 7 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship, a Therapist Warns
10. “No worries if not!”
This one is worrisome if it’s not true.
“It seems polite, but often masks deep fear of being ‘too much,'” Dr. McGeehan says. “When overused, it teaches others that it’s OK to deprioritize this woman because she’ll always make it easy for them.”
11. “Don’t worry about it.”
“No worries if not” has an also-evil twin, and it’s “Don’t worry about it.”
“‘Don’t worry about it’ is used when someone has crossed a boundary, but the woman feels uncomfortable naming it and calling them out on it,” Dr. Schiff reveals. “It spares the other person’s feelings while invalidating her own. This teaches people that it is okay to overlook her needs.”
Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers’ Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
5 Tips for Ditching Unhealthy Peacekeeping Habits
1. Reframe conflict vs. peace
Dr. MacBride wants conflict-avoidant women to view conflict vs. peace as something other than a binary choice when they have opinions or needs.
“Disagreeing or holding a different opinion doesn’t inherently mean conflict,” she explains. “It might seem like a rebranding, and it is, in a way. I don’t think holding a different opinion has to mean conflict in the first place.”
She notes that working on listening and reflection skills while calmly maintaining your perspective can help you move out of “fix-it” mode, where you try to soothe any uncomfortable emotions the other person may have about your opinion.
Related: 35 Common Toxic Positivity Phrases To Stop Using—Plus, What To Say Instead
2. Pause and sit in silence
Dr. McGeehan points out that silence can feel like a threat to peacekeepers, but it’s not.
“It’s not your job to fill every quiet moment with a buffer,” she says. “This discomfort can fuel someone to say things they don’t mean.”
She suggests counting to five in your head before responding.
“This tiny pause can give your nervous system a chance to ground, and you a chance to decide what you want to say, not just what will make things smooth,” she shares.
Related: People Who Never Heard ‘I’m Sorry’ From Their Parents Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
3. Practice saying ‘I have a different take on that’
This phrase offers nuance—yes, that still exists, and you can embody it.
“This phrase allows you to hold your ground without escalating tension,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “I always encourage peacekeepers to have a go-to phrase on hand for disagreements. It doesn’t reject the other person’s perspective, it simply honors your own.”
She suggests using it in low-stakes situations first, like group texts or casual chats. You’ll build a muscle for disagreement.
4. Perform a gut check
Dr. McGeehan advises women to check their internal overrides.
“Peacekeepers often know when they’ve overridden themselves but only after the fact,” she explains. “Start asking, ‘Am I agreeing because I mean it, or because I want this to be over?’ Awareness is the first step to shifting the pattern.”
She also suggests tuning into your body’s cues, such as a faster heart rate, heat in the face and avoiding eye contact. Eventually, she says you’ll start to notice the override sooner and choose differently.
Related: What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For, According to Psychologists
5. Put tough conversations on your schedule
Dr. MacBride reports that peacekeepers usually have three strategies for conflict: “Avoid, avoid and avoid.” The problem? It ultimately results in a “spill” (or explosion). Put time for tough conversations on your calendar.
“Scheduling and creating an agenda lets you think about what you need to say and be thoughtful about what needs to be addressed,” she says. “This is the concept of ‘striking when the iron is cold,’ which will let you frame and issue as a shared problem, instead of offloading hurt and then feeling guilty about it.”
Up Next:
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Sources:
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., licensed psychologist
- Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist
- Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
