Just looking at dust might make you sneeze. But if you just sweep it under the rug, it may keep dust out of sight, but it doesn’t actually eliminate it from your home. Similarly, trying to hide conflict doesn’t actually make it go away or fix the core issues that caused it. Yet, you may have grown up in a home that attempted to defy the odds by “sweeping conflict under the rug.” And you can probably say better than anyone that ignoring problems can have long-term effects.
“Sweeping conflict under the rug means noticing a problem, choosing not to address it and covering it with polite talk, jokes, distractions or a quick ‘It’s fine,'” shares Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, a psychologist based in Wellington, Florida. “It shows up as changing the subject, avoiding eye contact, staying extra busy or agreeing to plans you resent because bringing it up feels risky.”
Except—and with all due respect to educators—our homes are our first schools, and our parents and grandparents serve as our initial teachers. Dr. Mazer and other psychologists warn that kids raised by conflict-adverse caregivers often develop some common traits as adults. The short-term “gains” of not addressing a tough situation can lead to long-term pain.
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Why Sweeping Conflict Under the Rug Is Harmful
Let’s be real: Conflict isn’t “fun.” However, it’s a part of life that, when handled with care, can be productive and lead to deeper relationships with others and yourself. Psychologists report that children who grew up in families that didn’t address conflict don’t get this memo—and it’s to their long-term detriment.
“When conflict is consistently dismissed, children learn that difficult emotions are dangerous, shameful or burdensome,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “Over time, this wires the nervous system for suppression rather than expression and can even make a child feel unsure about their reality.”
Also, what happens after an argument or a sticky moment is often where kids learn one of life’s most important lessons: Ruptures can be repaired—one disagreement doesn’t have to break a secure relationship.
“Facing the conflict directly, with clear requests, gives the relationship a chance to heal and get stronger,” shares Dr. Mazer.
She adds that ignoring conflict can lead to resentment and communication breakdowns.
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9 Traits of People Who Grew Up In Conflict-Avoidant Homes, Psychologists Warn
1. Emotional hyper-vigilance
Dr. McGeehan notes conflict-avoidance sweeps so much more than a single sticky situation under the rug. It deprived you of stability and put you on an emotional rollercoaster that you have yet to exit.
“When you grow up never knowing if something is wrong because no one names it, you become attuned to every shift in tone or body language,” she explains. “You’re constantly scanning for tension so you can adapt and keep the peace because emotional safety was never a given.”
She says you may not even know you have this trait, “because you have been gaslit for so long.” Often, she reports that people learn they have emotional hyper-vigilance in therapy.
2. Indirect communication styles
Direct communication is generally frowned upon in non-confrontational homes. Consequently, people raised in these environments may continue the cycle.
“Since people who sweep conflict under the rug do not know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, they might engage in side commentary, sarcasm or some type of passive-aggressive hostility, such as stonewalling or the silent treatment,” shares Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “This is a non-direct way of expressing their anger in a way that does not include arguing or yelling and still feels emotionally safer than addressing conflict directly. “
3. Chronic self-blame
Conflict resolution often involves accountability (and sometimes, both people have some apologizing to do). Unresolved conflict leaves these questions unanswered. Over time, you may begin to assume the role of perpetual anti-hero—in your nuclear family and beyond.
“If no one in the family took ownership of the conflict, kids often internalized that the tension must have been their fault,” Dr. McGeehan shares. “As adults, they may default to self-criticism or assume they’re always the problem in relationships as a habit and a way to keep the peace.”
4. Difficulty expressing needs
Heck, Dr. McGeehan points out that you might even know your own needs if the adults in your life avoided clashes at all costs.
“In homes where voicing discomfort was seen as disrespectful or ‘too much,’ people often learn to downplay what they want or need,” she shares. “This leads to unmet needs, quiet resentment and relational disconnection that follows them from relationship to relationship.”
5. People-pleasing
People who grew up in homes where adults didn’t discuss tensions may feel they have to twist themselves into a pretzel to fit in and keep others happy.
“When people grow up sweeping conflict under the rug, they learn the need to maintain peace,” Dr. Goldman says. “As a result, they can often engage in people-pleasing behaviors to ensure that other people are content and satisfied.”
Dr. McGeehan agrees, adding that the word “yes” might roll right off of your tongue, even if your mind and body are internally screaming, “no.”
“Over time, this can lead to burnout and identity confusion because their choices are shaped more by others’ comfort than their own desires,” she warns. “Often, I see a lot of clients who make it to late adulthood and don’t have a sense of who they are because they have grown up in a home like this.”
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6. Deep fear of confrontation
Unsurprisingly, growing up in a home where adults run from disagreements may make you hesitant to have one.
“Because conflict was associated with abandonment, anger or emotional shutdown, these adults may avoid hard conversations at all costs, even when it’s necessary or healthy,” Dr. McGeehan says. “This leads to dysfunctional relationships because confrontation is a necessary part of healthy relationships and intimacy.”
7. Trust issues
One surprising, long-lasting effect of watching loved ones around you brush off sticky situations is that you may struggle with trust.
“When conflict is ignored rather than resolved, it can lead to confusion about whether issues are being addressed honestly, creating difficulty in trusting others’ intentions or commitments,” reveals Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services.
That’s problematic because trust is a key pillar of healthy relationships.
8. Conflict silencing
Essentially, history repeats itself.
“Even if they long for honest connection, they may default to smoothing things over quickly, changing the subject or pretending everything is fine because vulnerability feels threatening, not freeing,” Dr. McGeehan reports. “We seek to continue what is familiar, not what is healthy.”
She warns that conflict silencing can have a ripple effect on your adult relationships.
9. Sudden outbursts
There’s only so long you can hold back.
“When people have swept conflict under the rug for a prolonged period of time, they usually have been silently building resentments towards other people,” Dr. Goldman explains. “They do not know how to handle confrontation effectively and instead have been internalizing their feelings of frustration, hurt and betrayal. This can result in overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment towards others.”
This can manifest in outbursts that may not meet the actual moment, and could have been more tempered if the conflict had been addressed sooner.
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How To Work Through Conflict-Avoidant Behaviors: 5 Ways
1. Acknowledge your past and present
The influential people in your life may have hidden from conflict, but you don’t have to deny it exists any longer.
“Start to acknowledge the negative impact of avoiding, like recognizing what it costs you to avoid the conflict and ignore the issues,” Dr. Goldman says. “It is helpful to understand the negative impact ignoring conflict has on your life and focus on what you want to change, such as why you want to be able to manage conflict effectively and in a healthy way.”
2. Set boundaries
Dr. Mazer shares it’s critical to set boundaries, especially if people-pleasing is your M.O. She suggests practicing lines out loud, such as “No, that doesn’t work for me” and “I’m not discussing that, here’s what I can share instead.”
“Clear limits retrain your body to feel safe and reduce the resentment that comes from oversharing or saying yes when you mean no,” she explains.
Related: 7 Phrases That Subtly Suggest Someone Feels Resentful, Psychologists Warn
3. Start with low-stakes situations
If the idea of setting boundaries—let alone expressing a different viewpoint or need—scares you, Dr. McGeehan suggests starting small.
“Try expressing a preference or naming a moment of discomfort with someone you trust,” she advises. “These micro-moments build your capacity for relational repair and prove that honesty doesn’t have to end in rupture. Healthy conflict is a relational muscle that is built over time as our system learns it’s not a threat, just a new experience.”
4. Learn to calm yourself
Conflict can provoke anxiety, but you can take a beat and regulate yourself.
“Instead of avoiding, take a momentary break from the situation and calm your nervous system down,” Dr. Goldman notes. “When you feel overwhelmed, your effective communication will go ‘out the window.’ Instead, practice some strategies to calm down your body so you can feel more grounded.”
For instance, take deep breaths or name five things you see and three things you hear, which can ground you in the present and remind you that you’re still standing, despite the brewing conflict.
5. Seek support
People raised in homes that swept conflict under the rug didn’t develop traits, such as people-pleasing, overnight. You may need some help to heal from your childhood.
“Working with a psychologist can help you process emotions, understand patterns and develop healthier coping strategies,” Dr. Frank says. “Therapy provides a safe space to unpack childhood experiences and build self-awareness.”
Finding the right fit is critical to healing, though.
“The self-improvement you are working on only works if you feel safe and understood,” Dr. Mazer shares. “Do a short consultation. Ask how the therapist will help with boundary setting and conflict, and give it two or three sessions. If it feels off, try someone else. It’s important to find someone you can trust.”
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Sources:
- Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, a psychologist based in Wellington, Florida
- Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
- Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
- Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist with Duality Psychological Services