Friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer (right) hosts an improv group practice in Montreal.The Globe and Mail
During the pandemic lockdowns, Meg Ecclestone would regularly jump on a Zoom call with her bestie, put on a timer and “grind out the drudgery of life.”
“She was opening her Costco Visa,” Ecclestone remembers, laughing. “I was doing camp registrations.” Getting together virtually helped her focus and bring intention to the life admin tasks weighing on her. Ecclestone, 42, a librarian and parent in Guelph, Ont., recalls this time of trying to work full-time while parenting young children stuck at home. Her friend, with whom she’s been close since university, was a lifeline.
“We used that very tiny sliver of time, like 8:30 at night, when you’re in your last waking hours before you collapse. Loved to do some insurance claims with friends,” Ecclestone jokes. And did the tasks get done? “No question.”
Ecclestone was ahead of the curve. This winter, admin night get-togethers went viral on TikTok, where users describe gathering with laptops and wine to bang out mundane life tasks. It’s an example of how adults are finding creative and intentional ways to spend time with friends, face to face. Collating expenses during tax season? Turns out we don’t need much of an excuse to get together.
According to Statistics Canada, the number of Canadians who say they see friends in person has plummeted in recent decades. In 2021, more than one in 10 Canadians said they are often or always lonely, with higher rates among younger people aged 15 to 24, and women. The same research shows that people who felt lonely frequently reported poorer mental health and lower levels of overall life satisfaction.
Outsmarting your short attention span
How have we let it get this bad? Perhaps our phones are tricking us with a reasonable facsimile of social life.
Research shows that when it comes to our well-being, there is no digital substitute for face-to-face communication, which is still considered the gold standard. A University of Nevada study during COVID-19 lockdowns showed that face-to-face contact with friends and family outside of the home was the primary predictor of getting one’s social needs met and mitigating loneliness, while video chats couldn’t achieve the same results.
Still, social media and group chats are a major way many people connect with friends. Miriam Kirmayer, a Montreal-based psychologist and friendship expert, says this isn’t a problem. Tech can help us maintain long-distance friendships or find entry into communities that share an interest.
“And yet, it’s a bit of a snack, it’s not the full meal,” she says. “It’s not a replacement for in-person connection.”
To strengthen social bonds, Kirmayer (right) recommends partaking in a delightful activity.The Globe and Mail
The problem? In my own phone, I’ve noticed that I can be having conversations in half a dozen apps but as soon as I raise the spectre of locking a date, threads go as cold as a dog park on a wintry night.
“Part of this is logistics,” Kirmayer says. “How many times are we going to go back and forth with our friends? You spend months e-mailing back and forth or creating Doodle polls trying to find a date that works and it never happens.” Kirmayer acknowledges that people are very busy and lives are stressful but reminds us that social connection is worth prioritizing.
This is why she recommends what she calls stacking, or combining social connection with another activity. In other words, it’s exactly what Ecclestone and her friend naturally found themselves doing during the lockdowns, as younger generations on TikTok today follow suit.
“It isn’t about finding the time, it’s about creating it,” Kirmayer says.
What Kirmayer calls stacking is what I call my clubs. I discovered the power of clubs by accident when I tried to read more books (book club), improve my midlife health (weightlifting club) and write a book (writing club). What started out as being task-oriented came to shape my social life.
The formula, in retrospect, is so simple. Declare a shared activity with a group of people, a regular meeting cadence and watch almost all other logistics evaporate.
@itsmekairenee Everyone’s talking about admin night, but no one’s talking about how to make it enjoyable. Timers, tea, vision board punch cards, and yes… yapping allowed. Full step-by-step guide is on my Substack. Link in bio! #adminnight ♬ Doo Wop (That Thing) (Instrumental) – Lauryn Hill
The best part is that it works. I found I’m still capable of reading 300 pages of fiction despite years of sliding into brain rot, and I did a pull-up for the first time in my life in my late 40s.
Over time, the deeper benefit of my clubs became crystal clear – it’s social. Friends in my clubs are now the people I see most regularly in person, the people I can laugh with at the gym at 8 a.m. (yes, it’s possible) and cry with over life’s vicissitudes in the evening with a glass of wine.
Proximity was a key factor for Hanna Faghfoury, 47, a doctor in Toronto, when she, like Ecclestone in Guelph, started an admin club during the same lockdown era. She kept it close to home – to the folks on her own street. One of her neighbours is the mother of her child’s best friend. They agreed that their kids, both being on the shyer side, would benefit from doing summer camps together. This required co-ordination.
“I kept putting it off and she finally just invited me over,” Faghfoury says. “She tricked me and made it about wine.” She was instructed to bring her laptop and when she arrived, they went into planning mode. “She knew me well enough to know I’m competitive and that I would want to win at camp, that I would do the research to find the best things for us.”
That was their first admin night. These days, Faghfoury calls her friend her wife, which is how close they have become (Faghfoury’s actual partner would like you to know that while she handles co-ordination, he handles daily operations). They still meet as needed to organize summer camps and after-school activities. The wine remains a must.
Opinion: Friends are the worst. Thank god for friends
As for Ecclestone in Guelph, she doesn’t do admin nights anymore. When the world opened up after the COVID-19 lockdowns, she couldn’t bear spending precious in-person time doing insurance claims with her friend, especially because they need to travel between cities to see each other, which they do several times a year.
Instead, Ecclestone joined a local women’s running club, running twice a week. “It’s very inclusive. It’s zero barrier, no woman left behind. And the people who show up are just wonderful,” she says.
Kirmayer recommends both paths to having an adult club, whether it’s creating your own with friends or joining a public club.
“Instead of looking outward and saying, ‘Where’s the best place for me to go to meet new people,’ you can actually check in with yourself to ask, ‘Where are the spaces I feel I can be myself? What are my interests and what experiences do I value?’”
Kirmayer herself recently joined a weekly improv class, which she had been talking about for years before finally creating the time to do it. She didn’t know anyone before she arrived.
“And I have made great friends. What’s been interesting is there have been some individual friendships and also that experience of a friend group. It’s been a really meaningful experience both creatively and personally, in terms of relationships.”