You probably know someone who seems so put-together. Someone who is poised, at the top of the career ladder and has an active social life—and maybe that person is you. On the outside, they appear to be grown, flown and healed from childhood wounds—in fact, people may think these adults have no wounds because they had “perfect” parents and grandparents. But that is just not so, says a child psychologist.
“No matter how successful or well-adjusted an adult may seem, people often recall with pain the hurtful, demeaning words said by a parent, another relative, teacher or coach when they were children,” notes Dr. William Cheung Tsang, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist who treats children at Hackensack University Medical Center.
On the flip side, adults will also probably remember the words of praise they heard as kids.
“Words shape the way a child sees themself and the way they learn to communicate with and treat others,” Dr. Tsang tells Parade.
No pressure, right? If you’re someone helping to raise the next generation of humans, your stomach might drop. You obviously want to do what’s best. Often, many of the phrases we say that might trigger worry in kids come from a well-intentioned place.
“The intention behind them is almost always loving,” he says. “What matters is understanding why well-intentioned words, aimed at providing comfort, can… increase a child’s anxiety. Impact doesn’t always match intent.”
But Dr. Tsang says it is possible to have the impact you want on your child or grandchild. To help, he shares seven “helpful” phrases that actually cause anxiety in kids below, along with what to say instead.
Related: 7 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents of ‘Challenging’ Kids To Stop Saying
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3 Types of Phrases That Typically Make Kids Feel Anxious
1. Phrases meant to reassure
Dr. Tsang says that phrases like “You’re OK” or “Come on, be brave!” if a child is hesitant or just face-planted on a playground are meant to reassure. Instead, though, they can minimize or deny a child’s feelings.
“While the intention is often to reassure, these phrases can make a child feel misunderstood, alone or as though their feelings are wrong,” he shares. “When a child’s feelings are dismissed, they don’t learn how to process their anxiety. They get the message that their feelings are not acceptable to the adults around them.”
Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
2. Phrases that introduce fear
Sometimes, Dr. Tsang says, adults ask questions that can actually introduce fear rather than build confidence. Think, “Oh! Are you anxious about that big test?” or “Are you worried about the science fair?” These might have your kid responding, “Well, I wasn’t, until now!”
“These types of questions can plant a seed of doubt and worry in a child’s mind where one may not have existed before,” he states. “By asking a leading question, an adult may unintentionally be communicating that there is something to be afraid of.”
3. Phrases that reinforce a child’s fear
Dr. Tsang says parents can do this through verbal and even non-verbal cues that reflect a parent’s own expressions of fear or worry in situations a child finds scary.
“For example, if a child is afraid of dogs, a parent who tenses up and says, ‘Be careful, that dog might bite,’ is reinforcing the child’s fear,” Dr. Tsang explains. “Children look to their parents and caregivers for cues on how to react to the world around them. If a parent shows fear or anxiety in a particular situation, the child learns that the situation is indeed dangerous and that their fear is warranted.”
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Phrase To Avoid With Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
7 ‘Helpful’ Phrases That Actually Cause Anxiety in Kids, Child Psychologist Warns
1. “Don’t worry”
Dr. Tsang says adults often use this phrase to reassure the child and calm them down, but it can dismiss their fears.
“Telling a child not to worry can invalidate their feelings, sending the message that their emotions are wrong or inappropriate,” he points out. “This can lead to confusion and shame, and it fails to teach the child how to cope with their anxious feelings.”
As a result, he says kids can learn to suppress their emotions rather than manage them, worsening anxiety over time.
2. “You’re fine!”
This one reeks of “Don’t worry.” It’s often said to soothe and get a child to move on from a situation the adult feels is non-threatening.
“The adult’s goal is to project confidence and show the child there is no reason to be upset,” Dr. Tsang states. “But for a child who is genuinely distressed, being told they are ‘fine’ when they feel anything but, can be confusing and isolating. It can make them feel as though their internal experience is not understood or believed by the people they trust the most.”
Sadly, he reports that dismissing emotions can increase a child’s feelings of being alone in their fear.
3. “It’s not a big deal”
Dr. Tsang shares that adults might say this one to put a child’s fear into perspective. The goal is to help the kiddo understand that the situation isn’t catastrophic and encourage them to move on from their anxiety.
“However, this phrase can be dismissive and belittling to a child,” Dr. Tsang explains. “What may seem small to an adult can feel monumental to a child, and telling them it’s ‘not a big deal’ can make them feel like their feelings are being trivialized. This can lead to a child feeling ashamed of their emotions and hesitant to share them in the future.”
4. “Stop crying”
It’s human for people of any age to cry out of fear or anxiety, but adults may use this one on a child to de-escalate a situation. Often, it’s the adult who feels uncomfortable with how the child’s feelings are coming out, and they hope this phrase will stop the waterworks. But it can open the floodgates and also cause long-term strife.
“Telling a child to stop crying invalidates their feelings and teaches them that expressing emotions openly is unacceptable,” Dr. Tsang says. “Crying is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed, and suppressing this expression can lead to a buildup of anxiety and stress.”
5. “Let me do it for you”
Dr. Tsang gets it. It’s hard to watch a child’s struggle evolve into anxiety, and you want to help (and, OK, maybe get things done efficiently).
“While this may provide short-term relief, it can have long-term negative consequences,” Dr. Tsang shares. “By taking over, the adult inadvertently sends the message that the child is not capable of handling the situation on their own. This can undermine the child’s confidence and prevent them from developing problem-solving skills and resilience, which are crucial for managing anxiety.”
6. “See? There was nothing to worry about!”
Dr. Tsang says this “helpful” phrase usually gets said after a feared event passes without incident. The aim is to emphasize to the child that those butterflies in their stomach never needed to be there in the first place and build confidence for the future.
“However, this phrase can come across as condescending and can invalidate the very real anxiety the child was feeling beforehand,” Dr. Tsang notes. “It can also create pressure for the child to not feel anxious in the future, and if they do, they may feel like they have failed to live up to the adult’s expectations.”
7. “You’re driving me crazy!”
See also: “I give up.”
Dr. Tsang says these phrases often stem from a parent’s frustration with a child who is not listening or engaging in behaviors that stress out the adult.
“The adult may think that expressing their exasperation will finally get the child to comply,” the neuropsychologist says. “However, this phrase can be a source of anxiety for a child. It signals the adult’s anger and impatience, which can be frightening for a child.”
It can create a sense of shame and inadequacy in a child, who may start to feel like a disappointment, he adds.
“This can lead to a cycle of anxiety and avoidance, where the child becomes too scared to even try, for fear of making a mistake,” he tells Parade.
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What They Wish More Grandparents Prioritized—They All Said the Same Thing
3 Things To Say Instead
Replace those seven phrases above with any of these examples.
1.”I can see that you’re scared, and I’m here to help you”
Dr. Tsang likes that this phrase validates the child’s emotion and offers support. It’s a great alternative to “Don’t worry” because it gives way to communication and problem-solving.
“Acknowledging a child’s fear without judgment tells them that their feelings are legitimate and that they are not alone in their struggle,” he states. “It sends the message, ‘Your feelings make sense, and we are a team.’ This approach helps the child feel understood and strengthens the parent-child bond, which is a key factor in building resilience.”
2. “That sounds really hard—tell me more about it”
Dr. Tsang says that this phrase is an invitation to kids to share their thoughts and feelings without an adult interrupting or entering “fix-it” mode right away.
“Giving a child space to talk can help them process their thoughts and sometimes even arrive at their own solutions,” he notes.
The neuropsychologist shares that this one is an alternative to phrases like “It’s not a big deal,” which shut down communication.
“By showing curiosity and a willingness to listen, an adult communicates that the child’s perspective is valuable,” he says. “This act of listening and validating their experience without judgment can help a child feel respected.”
3. “I know you can handle this, and we can work together to find ways to make it easier”
“This comment expresses confidence in the child’s ability to cope while also offering collaborative support,” Dr. Tsang says.
He points out that a lot of anxiety stems from a child’s fear that they are incapable of managing anxious feelings. This phrase challenges them by reinforcing their abilities.
“It avoids the trap of over-helping, which can suggest the child is incapable. Instead, it focuses on teamwork and practical strategies,” he explains. “This approach helps children develop what experts call ‘stress tolerance’ by showing them that while anxiety is uncomfortable, it is manageable.”
From here, Dr. Tsang says parents (and grandparents) and kids can work together to brainstorm solutions or practice coping strategies, such as deep breathing.
Related: 9 Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make That Child Psychologists Wish They’d Stop
Final Takeaways
The words we say to kids today can affect how they view themselves as adults. Sometimes, well-meaning phrases can cause anxiety. Here’s what to keep in mind when speaking with a child, especially if they are experiencing anxiety:
- Certain types of phrases can trigger or worsen anxiety in kids. For instance, phrases that dismiss feelings or introduce or reinforce a fear can cause distress in children.
- Some “helpful” phrases can actually cause anxiety in kids. “You’re fine!” and “It’s not a big deal” can feel dismissive, even when adults use them to calm a child. Meanwhile, saying, “Let me do that for you,” can undermine confidence.
- Try using phrases that foster confidence and camaraderie instead. Think, “I can see that you’re scared, and I’m here to help you,” and “I know you can handle this, and we can work together to find ways to make it easier.”
Up Next:
Related: Psychologists Say if You Were Told To ‘Toughen Up’ as a Kid, You Likely Have These 7 Traits
Source:
- Dr. William Cheung Tsang, Psy.D., is a neuropsychologist who treats children at Hackensack University Medical Center.
